The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just joined these forums a moment ago and hoped to share my current scenario to seek insight from others who understand:
I am a "young adult" who lived with an alcoholic father until my parents separation thirteen years ago. Since then, my father has struggled to stay sober. I've been going to AlAnon when I can for the past two years, so I'm familiar with the program. I've tried to distance myself as much as possible from my Dad, but he is getting older, his health isn't the greatest, and I try to keep in touch because I still care about him.
I am currently finishing University, working part-time, and really not making very much money. I've been in a bit of a tough spot for the past year, and last week, my car broke down and is not worth repairing because the car is so old. Last month, my Dad had his license temporarily revoked and has offered me his car for the year, so long as I make the monthly insurance payments. After getting the insurance quote, I set up a time with my Dad to talk on the phone. Well, I called him and he was drunk, so I told him I wasn't interested in having the discussion as a result and we hung up. Needless to say, I am angry and disappointed.
Maybe I'm still just angry, but I feel like I shouldn't even go ahead with this plan. I don't want to have to rely on my Dad and accept this favour from him, because he has never really been there for me. I resent it like hell. I would rather the inconvenience of being without a car than accept his offer of help. On the other hand, I think to myself, "Take what you can get and put all emotions aside." Ughh.
Can anyone offer me some insight here? I don't know what to do.
I am new too...
It is a tough call, it just depends how willing you are to be indebted to your AF...you sound like a hardworking, smart person. he shouldn't be driving anyway...BUT is he doing this just to pull you back in???
You would prob have more self respect if you just keep your distance...
Good luck
You did fine with your first post. I am glad that you are attending alanon and have the support of others who understand the pain and uncertainty of this dreadful disease.
It is hard to know the next right action in your situation. When making a decision alanon has taught me to pray about it, talk it over with my sponsor, listen to the "Still small voice within" examine my motives and then take the action. Remember that it is important to take care of yourself so what is best for you should be worked into the process.
Aloha elizabeth and welcome to MIP. ALATEEN!!!! oh YAY... from a former Alateen sponsor. What a great program...the teeners taught me alot and soooooo.
Your Dad is your Dad and he loves you and your Dad is alcoholic and he loves you. Alcoholism is a disease and not a moral issue. He is sick and generous all at the same time and your car is broken and he has no use for his own. He's made an offer which requires a commitment from you in order to go thru with it...he's still probably gonna drink anyway like he has for a long time...and you will have to pay for the insurance. Can you do that? honestly? Does your commitment to the insurance company also mean you are committed to talk to him when he is drunk or is that another choice? Do you get to use the car so that you must talk to him and pay the insurance or.....? Actually you can make the choice to talk to him when he is not drunk and use the car and pay for the insurance as agreed huh? This might be a cause for a sit down with your Dad and to tell him how you think and how you feel and that you love him and thanks for the use of the car. Alateen has the same slogans as Al-Anon..."Keep it Simple" I'm reminded of. Also one of the best Alateen slogans that was given to me that worked better than snot was "Happiness is and inside job".
In support...keep coming back and take the situation to your sponsor too. ((((hugs))))
If you think accepting nothing from him puts you in a better spot to be able to convey he's good for nothing cuz he's a drunk....That won't get across to him anyhow. You might as well convey your feelings about that in words and then just let it go. Your behavior in terms of accepting help or not from him won't change his drinking.
It may put you in more contact with him than you would like and I understand not wanting to feel beholden. I wouldn't accept help from someone I had really strong dislike for.
I do want to say it's normal for young adults to accept some help from their parents. You are working hard and trying your best. It's not like everything in the world is super easy for someone in their early 20s at their first job. It's not like he's enabling you to do anything wrong...
What a great forum of caring and understanding people!
Jerry F and pinkchip, thanks so much for your responses. You both shared insight that I hadn't really considered before.
I've decided that I'm going to accept the offer of his car because it's the least expensive solution to my problem. I'm going to have a discussion with my Dad today and let him know how the difficult situation I'm in because of the relationship we have, and I'm going to do this for myself so that I can get it all off of my chest, not because I think it will make any difference to him.
I don't want to be a bitter or spiteful person, so I'm going to be respectful and thank him, and I'm going to do my best to leave my emotions out of it. Someone suggested that I pay to have the car detailed and cleaned so that it feels a little less like "Dad's Drunk Mobile".
I feel MUCH better after hearing from you all. Thanks again for taking the time to help me out!
Elizabeth...there is a new piece of CAL (Conference Approved Literature) Intitled "LOVING INTERCHANGE TO RESOLVE CONFLICT" catalouge S-71, you might want to see if your local Al-Anon group has...it's a winner for information and support.
your story sounds so much like mine. My mother and father never helped me and as a result I thought that I could do everything on my own because that's the only way I knew how. I didn't need your help and more importantly I didn't want your help because I am not a failure ! I can stand on my own 2 feet and I can tackle this world by myself. I'll show them !
I hate to break it to you but you are not superman. You are not God. You are not the king of the world. Take the help if it is being offered. Michael Jordan had Scotty Pippen, Lebron James had D-wade and Bosh, Sidney Crosby had Evgeni Malkin a Waybe Gretzky had the Edmonton Oilers.
The point? Even the greats need help to be great, they didn't do it on their own.
I hope your talk with your father went smoothly, I think you are right that it is more important for you to get it off your chest ( in a calm manner) than for him to necessarily accept it! use the car and don't fret over it!
You did fine with your first post. I am glad that you are attending alanon and have the support of others who understand the pain and uncertainty of this dreadful disease.