"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Intro

AlAnonDave · Veteran Member

Hi, Im Dave, Im an alcoholic who grew up in a active dysfunctional alcoholic home. After 22 years sober, Ive been struggling (I think needlessly) with the spiritual side of the program and recently started reading some ACA books seeking the answer, and it appears Ive got it, somewhat. At least, I can roughly put my finger on the problem. Now the solution- Im going to start attending AL-Anon meetings because I need them and theres no ACA or ACOA meetings near here. Ive read the "laundry list" in the ACA book and it appears I have all but one of the traits, the most glaring is fear of authority figures. The long and short of it, is every time about this time of year, I get melancholy (I wouldnt say depressed because Ive had that before and Im nowhere near that) because my father is still as selfish as he always was. Its just morphed into a different kind. He drank and emotionally abused and neglected us kids so its really hard to be close to him. I dont hate him, but I do understand why he is the way he is, because it runs in families. I get angry every Thanksgiving and CHristmas time because its just been an empty time because Ive taken all his bait in the past and made trips from Maryland to California to visit only for it to turn into another regret. The last time I got a birthday or CHristmas card from him was when I was 15 or 16. Im almost 50 now. My mother drove herself insane trying to control her alcoholism and Ive lost a Uncle, a Cousin and a Grandfather to alcoholism and I think Ive yet to deal with loss. Im looking for support and advice. Perhaps some counselling could help, preferably from a recovering alcoholic or Al-Anon person?

My question- is where do I go from here?

AlAnonDave · Veteran Member

Thanks, HotRod- I have found plenty of meetings locally and plan to add to the AA mix, I dont understand why its been such a struggle, except for maybe I havent allowed myself to experience loss. And also, working steps 4 & 5 and 8 & 9 in AA holds a whole different meaning than it does in AlAnon. I guess Ive got a long way to go. Im glad I found folks who can understand how perplexing this can be.

Is ACA still an active program? When I first came to AA, they were very active and I went to a few but not enough to get the jist of it. Now I need it and theres none around my area, but theres a lot of AlAnon.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Again Great picture

I live in NYC and ACOA is very active here. I imagine you could check in the white pages and call the inter group number in our community .

We also have an ACOA message Board here http://acoa.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42759n Naturally I am prejudiced and believe the alanon meetings and Board are more active and offer more support.

In alanon I found it was very important to not only acknowledge my feelings in the present but to also go into my past, Glance and not stare,I needed to own my unexplored and expressed fear, sadness, anger and fear. Once I unearthed them and worked the steps on them I was free to be me in the present.

Good Luck.

AlAnonDave · Veteran Member

Thanks again. I certainly appreciate it.

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Dave,

My name is David, a proud member of Alanon.

Welcome to the club. Betty has given you the tour. This is a really strong supportive place. ACA was big 20 years ago. Maybe it is re-grouping now. I am a member of both. ACA, or ACoA broke away from Alanon over the use of The Laundry List. Alanon has a strong code about the use of Conference approved literature. It has strong guidelines. Alanon and AA recognise each other. ACA recognises AA and Alanon but not the other way round. This may change over time. It depends whether ACA can gain a foothold in recovery, I suppose. Certainly a lot of AA, Alanon and other 12 Steppers are looking at ACA as well. Under traditions 6 and 10 Alanon is neutral. But I guess I might mention these facts about ACA and Alanon as an individual.

Alanon has some groups which have a bias towards the adult child. I live in a region where there is only one group. Alanon has an adult child manual "From Survival to Recovery", which is a really good read. Beside that there is an excellent One Day At A Time daily reading book which I warmly recommend. "Hope for Today" At out local meeting we read from this book as well as the regular Alanon yellow book, or even the older blue book.

I was always taught to look for the similarities and not the differences. As you can see for my name I am a man. I went through Alanon at a time when I was the only man in the group. This proved to be a source of strength for me. I wish you well on our journey, my friend. Take care,

Arohanui smile smile smile smile smile smile

( love unconditional)

DavidG

New Zealand.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Dave... you will find plenty of "double winners" on here, that can help you fill in some of the blanks....

Our programs are somewhat similar - but I just wanted to welcome you, and hope you find a lot of value out of this site, and Al-Anon in general.

Take care

Tom

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Dave and welcome to the board...I am also a "double" and I have attended ACOA and CoDA in the past. I always remained with Al-Anon and still do due to work with my sponsors and the fellowships. I got into AA 9 years after being in Al-Anon and chemical free because of my awareness of relapse and my respect for the disease. Alcoholism is one disease where "Better late than never" for me isn't a workable philosophy. I was born and raised in the disease of alcoholism and other addictions and don't point the finger in the direction of anyone of my would be qualifiers. It is what it is and I have the choice to make it something else by my choice rather than to sit and blame and just commiserate about how bad it was back then. Yes it did affect me deeply and then I tried to live my life the best I could with what I had including all the dysfunctions I carried around with me then. It's good to be "different" now than what I was like back then. It's good to have the positive progression that the programs bring when you practice them.

Welcome to MIP...keep coming back and lucky for you that there are Al-Anon meetings close by. (((hugs))) smile

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and welcome,

I'm not a double winner so to speak I do attend open AA meetings as well as Alanon. I get my compassion from AA and my detachment from Alanon and while there are many similarities to the program I find that both groups compliment my healing and offer something completely different. I know regardless I always feel better after attending both meetings. Ironically in the open groups I am often approached for information about Alanon, other women. So good for you in exploring that side of things and get active about going to alanon. I like what Betty said about looking back without staring kind of is like the whole AA promises which I can't quote however it's something like we won't shut the door on the past, we no longer have to live in the past.

I have no experience for ACA or CODA, there are some great books out there to read regarding this that are not Alanon Lit .. Medoly Beattie is a fantastic read any of her books Co Dependent No More, Beyond Co Dependency, Co Dependents Guide to the 12 steps. I encourage anyone who reads those books to have pen and paper next to them and do the work. It has opened big doors for me.

Sometimes things have to get different before they can get better, so different is way ok. Keep coming back :)

Hugs P :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"