No really, I'm asking that question of myself far too much. So...I'm home alone...going over and over this breakup and that date...and wondering why no guys are interested in a relationship with me...

it HAS to be something wrong with ME, right? Honestly, I don't know what it is...I am smart, funny, reasonably successful, reasonably attractive, independent minded, honest, dependable, etc.

so why am I alone? the guys I have dated want to be friends with benefits...and I want more...to be loved and cherished. Too much to expect? 

My ex A taught me well, that if things weren't going according to plan, it was all my fault somehow. How can i get out of this headspace, and just be happy without a relationship right now? why do I always think I am deficient, instead of focussing on the positives? 

Please,  I don't want to hear all the platitudes "it will happen, be patient" etc.. I am really down, and wonder if I will ever have someone to share my life with in a healthy way...any ESH you have to offer is appreciated. I am scared of this single life...it's tough. Especially at nearly 50. 

And, mr. Nigerian guy cyber-stalker person...don't bother private messaging me...I'm onto your scams :) 

A lot of observation and thinking has led me to this conclusion.  I think, first, that when we're older, we apply the "social success" of our younger days and blame ourselves if we don't measure up. When we're in college or in our 20s, we socialize within our age group and pretty much everybody is single and available and interested in a relationship.  By the time you're in your 40s, much of the population is either in a longterm relationship, or single but recovering from a bad experience and not available, or so dysfunctional that you'd want to steer clear even if they were available.  It's not that the available people aren't out there.  There are actually thousands of them.  But they're a much smaller percentage of the people we meet every day, and so it seems as if the well has dried up.

And then I at least used to buy into that belief that if you're open and sociable, the right one will drift by.  But here's what I've seen from observing two friends who took the whole thing very seriously.  (And both of them eventually did end up with great partners.)  It's a numbers game.  Especially because we're choosier now.  It used to be that anyone who half-expressed any interest had me won over.  I didn't start thinking, "Is this person actually good for me?" until well into the relationship.  But now I think the healthier way to do it is actually to meet that ton of people, and to accept that the vast majority of them will not be a good match.  Some are dynsfunctional, some are addicts, some are liars, some are incompatible, some are nice enough but just not a good fit, some are great but actually unavailable -- that's just the way of it.  But the ones who are a good match for us have to sort through just as many people to find us as we do to find them.  One friend told me that one out of every 30 people she went on a date with (not just met, but actually went out with) was a serious possibility.  So instead of thinking, "Why are these 29 men so unsuitable??" we could be thinking, "Every one I cross off expands my world, helps me get to know human nature better, and gets me closer to my first prospect." 

That's the way I see it.  Having the energy is another thing.  But I think most people in our situation have the same situation.  There's nothing wrong with us except that we're framing the problem in a discouraging way.

My first suggestion is - learn how to be single. Big help eh? But really, I have married friends who envy me my being able to live alone, do what I want when I want to, enjoy the freedom of not being tied to one person. And I am finding myself more and more not wanting to "go there" with anyone because I don't want anyone messing up my peaceful life - which suits me just fine right now because I need as much time as it takes to heal from the wounds and NOT make any man who comes along pay for the sins of my ex.

About the guys looking for "friends with benefits" - yeah, I see it too and it isn't that there is something wrong with us for not wanting that kind of relationship, but something wrong with them for wanting it and something wrong with all the women out there who are willing to settle for it - maybe hoping that by agreeing to that type of relationship, the guy would eventually come round to love them, eh?

I am over 50 and I try not to let myself get into thinking - what if I never find someone, what if I'm alone forever? I go back and re-read emails, listen to his hurtful words and remember what it was like when I need to re-affirm just why I will never again settle for someone who is not absolutely right for me, remember why I would rather be alone than on that merry-go-round again.

My ex made everything sound like it was all my fault because there is SO much wrong with me when the truth is, there is nothing wrong with me; I am a nice person, I pay my bills, love my jobs, give to people in need, hold the doors open for the guy behind me, etc.

I really like the way Mattie put it.

 

I never had much of a problem with relationships after divorces or before them...what I did end up having was lots of affairs.  I had many of them and those are not meaningful relationships.  That is dysfunction short term over and over and over.  I wasn't taking the time to work the steps especially the 4th step so that I could learn about myself...who and what I was.  No matter how I thought about myself I was missing stuff...important stuff.  Those affairs I thought might turn into something turned into one more mess after the one before it.  One of the things I learned was that I was compulsed (subconscious) toward having relationships with fantasy and not reality and therefore the failures.  Additionally I forgot or didn't know that the partners I chose within the program were there for the same reason as I...because they needed to fix themselves rather that to find a fixer for themselves.  I'm married again and tho this marriage has lasted longer than the two before it altogehter and longer than the affairs I've had I still have to work in it with my program.  It doesn't work by perpetual motion.  Both my wife and I share the bitter with the better and continue to add 1+1+1 = our relationship... HP+she+me is the equation.  If my present spouse didn't have a relationship with her Higher Power when we met I don't think this would still be going.

Sometimes what's wrong with me needs patience without disturbance from others.   ((((hugs)))

My experience (post break up of a long relationship) has been that I had a few relationships that lasted a few months and many hook-ups (those are all too common in the gay community). I thought those relationships were going places (even the hook ups which is really sad). I even thought my 1 night stands were attempts at starting relationships. In retrospect, none of those relationships worked or got off the ground because the other person did not have what I was looking for. I thought it was me at the time but it wasn't. Like other's stated, it was in how I was looking at it. I wanted to find someone that didn't drink, or rarely drank, someone hardworking with a job, someone educated, honest, smart, spiritual, sensitive, romantic, and affectionate. Those were some of the main things missing in my past relationships. Hence, I had 1 relationship of a few months end because the person wasn't affectionate and another because the person wasn't honest. It was not me after all. I always thought the problem was that I couldn't make people what I wanted them to be. I am glad this time I followed my gut and didn't settle for what I didn't want.

So perhaps your standards are rightly higher now. That is not a bad thing. Perhaps your HP is steering you away from people not meant for you now because he doesn't want you to suffer down the same road as in past relationships. Perhaps your HP wants you to be in a certain frame of mind or to have enough of those "not for me" type dating experiences this time to know when the right one comes along.

My current partner has all the qualities I wanted. He's not perfect but this is the most compatible relationship I have ever had. I coincides with me feeling better about myself and being more grounded as an individual than I ever have been.

When single, I never stopped wanting to be in a relationship. Some can call that codependent or afraid to be alone. I think when taken to a bad extreme it was those things. On a positive note, I define it as relationship oriented and romantic....I didn't want to give up those traits so that I could get permanently used to being single. I wanted a relationship so I just kept trying. The rooms are full of scared people that justify their going to a bazillion meetings and still being alone for a number of reasons. Whatever. Many of them are wounded and have issues with trust. I didn't want to change so much that I fooled myself into thinking that it was better to be single. Being single is fine. Being single is great for some people (and necessary). Being single for certain periods of time was necessary for me.

Anyhow, my main point was that you should be rejecting a lot of men now as you are learning red flags and heeding them. You will just wade through a bunch more and do a better search this time. It's not what is wrong with you in all likelihood....it's what is wrong with them and then you feeling discouraged that you met another one that wasn't right for you.

"Trust yourself, rehprof. You might be getting too healthy for some of the people you are meeting lately. Take that as a compliment to your personal growth."

I love this statement because it's oh so true. Finding out what is ok and what is not ok is a HUGE step.

Thanks for this share Rehprof because so much of this I needed to read for my own selfish reasons. I really appreciate it when someone puts themself out there to find out what is going on inside them.

Hugs P :)

I don't know how long you have been alone. I know for me, I always want to get to where i don't need anyone. Where i am ok single.

Then whatever I am into I do it. Fishing, parks and rec. have things to do, classes at a community college. So you sound like you are being asked out, so keep going out!

Hey no one is touching me unless we are married. If he does not like it then bye. You have morals and you have very good smarts. jumping into a physical thing becomes that  a physical thing. boring.

I used to take groups of singles from our food co op and we took off to the beach and mountains, where ever. Groups are fun too. Plus we never know who might say hey I have a very cool brother I want you to meet. Then just do a groupthing with them and feel it out.

Tell others you are dating, they may come up with someone.  I will meet a neat guy and ask hey do you have kids? no hmm oh are you married? Then say ok there is this sweet gal.....I am talking like a checker you have known forever or the plumber...

Put yourself out there.

I had NO plan of ever dating I hate dating. I met guys by walking my dog! HEY there ya go! borrow a dog if you know of one. go volunteer at the shelter or where ever! If I wanted to meet someone I would get out and volunteer, seriously walk my dog, etc.

I know the benefit bolony. I used to call it part time. NO thank you. if they can get it they will. Especially married guys. yuck.

Wow I just realized I met both my husbands playing frizzbee....lol

Now out of nowhere my best friend wants to meet me face to face and says he loves me. He knows EVERYTHING about me, blush. Who'da thunk it?

So you are fifty, so go out with forty year olds. Nothing says at this age we cannot go out with younger men.

Sure i had lonely times but maybe i woulda been lonely where ever I was.  In a way I think it is a matter of us getting out there and doing what we love, take ourselves to amovie or with a friend, I have gone to the beach over night with my dogs, to dinner alone. camping alone. oh that is a perfect way to meet guys, You just ask them to come sit by the fire.

Creativity is a good way.

I know you hurt, I just let it hurt. then it slowly turns into something else. Be true to you! love,debilyn

I love this post and all the ESH from our awesome family here! I am far from perfect, but so far I have met the most compatible man and I found him on pof online. I really think it was more about how I screened men I was wanting to meet and how slowly I went about it. I screened out serial daters and players by taking things so slowly. I emailed for awhile then talked on the phone for a few months with each one and got a really good feel if their words met what they wrote. I was direct on my profile and put out there exactly what kind of man I was looking for and what kind of woman I was, let those men know if they were looking for someone for a one nighter to move along,. I took my time and made it almost painful for the few guys that went through my screening process, not on purpose, but had to protect myself from being used and acting on my impulsive neediness, out of the 3 men I talked with over several month that made it to a date, I am dating one for the last almost 5 months and the other is a great friend, the third guy was a great pretender. Al-anon has helped me to know what I want and to go for it. Same thing with going back to school and making friends in a new town, I am very serious minded, but a fun and funny person. I am over weight, but I did not let that hold me back. I was divorced and ready for a relationship, although I talked with them while going through the divorce process I felt I kept it all on the up and up. I was not in a rush, I did not let my codependent nature take over me. The guy I am dating doesn't seem to have a drinking/drug issue at all and I don't seem to be addicted to him, so good so far. He teases me about my being on a dating site, but really not wanting to meet anyone in real life all the time. So rather than wait for one to cross my path I went to a site that was free and had lots of men in one spot. It wasn't easy sifting out all the frogs, I can be naive, but there really were a few princes to choose from. Sending you love and support on your journey!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Monday 26th of November 2012 03:01:58 PM