I have been doing a LOT of thinking about where I was at a year ago especially this week.  It was my birthday on Wednesday and then yesterday being thanksgiving I really just had some time to get inside my own head.  Which it was a good thing I didn't have to go there alone and I was grateful so very much for this.

Yesterday the morning meeting of AA (I attend usually Tuesdays and Saturdays for the open meeting) is a closed meeting the rest of the week.  I really love these folks.  Most of them don't have a clue how just going to those two meetings each week for almost the past year has about saved my life on more than one occassion.  Combined with the alanon program and working the steps.  I have gained so much insight about myself and learned about alcoholism in ways that boggle my mind.  I will never really "get it" however this helps me a great deal.  AA is my compassion fuel .. I actually can feel a healthy compassion for others who struggle with the disease of addiction.  Alanon is my detachment fuel, reminding me don't have to be part of the insanity as it whirls by.  In this particular group I hear the struggles and I can share the other side to this dance we all do when it comes to the affect of alcoholism.  They are sooo patient with me .. lol .. we have the normal preamble however the way the "visitors" share is not what many other AA meetings would tolerate which is another reason I value this meeting.  We do talk about how not the alcohol affects us .. the disease affects us and the other people in the family.  These are very moving meetings and very open meetings.  I have been blessed in ways that boggle the mind during these intimate conversations of 15 - 30 people each week.  It's a beautiful way to start the day.   

Anyway, .. lol .. there I go again .. my point .. my point was I had been invited to attend the Thanksgiving closed meeting and I literally drug a very good friend along with me and I had warned them I would so it had all been approved.  What an amazing meeting and it was humbling to be a part of something like this when it didn't have to be that way.  Walking in that door and the first words out of two or three people thank you for coming today .. we are all so glad you are here.  I am so grateful that these wonderful people opened their arms and allowed me to be a part of something that really isn't a daily ritual for me.  I didn't realize how much I would need that love, support and acceptance yesterday until today. 

It was a rough day today .. the kids being at their dad's and then them coming back to their (other) grandma's house.  I got to hear a bunch of stuff I would rather not know.  It hurts and it's hard.  I'm still sorting it out.  I was thinking when I picked up the phone and called a very good friend about what I had to be grateful about and I started thinking about that meeting.  I'm not a big crier however I did start crying while speaking with them about what being a part of that meeting meant to me.  In relief, in gratitude, probably a little sadness and fear mixed in there too from todays garbage.  She was a little shocked and even said WOW!  You usually aren't as emotional as this.  I think some of where I was coming from is that whole relief I mentioned in just having the support of both alanon and aa.  The friends and family I have in both groups and how much I have come to rely on these meetings.  This time last year my STBAX was already sleeping with another woman during the holiday and I was clueless.  This time last year there were big changes that I was unaware of coming to pass soon.  This time last year I was getting ready to go and visit my mom who I hadn't seen in 3 years.  This time last year I hadn't found the full support of both programs.  This time last year I had only scratched suface a very little of the person I am meant to be.  I still have a long ways to go on that one now I am further down the path.  It's not to say that things aren't hard on some days like today.  It's not to say it's all hard either, because I have had wonderful weeks and even months.  I had a wonderful birthday, a great thanksgiving, and tonight got to take the kids to the movies.  I did get to do a little shopping for the holidays and that felt really good too.  I treated myself to new shoes, new sweats (seriously sounds not like a big deal .. lol .. the sweat pants I have need to be retired by being burnt!).  The kids have some new clothes which they will get before Christmas.  Nothing like their father NOT following through on things .. absolutely nothing new there.  I really didn't have the expectation he would do it however it just is what it is at this point.  It would have been nice and of course it would have helped them a great deal.  I am starting to get that he just can't, won't .. I don't know and it is starting to matter less why he does or doesn't do something. 

The best part is I don't have to worry or concern myself with anything that is not happening today.  Today I can do first thing first and know it is the next right thing.  I have felt a new sense of peace in looking at that part of the program and trusting that God really has my back.  Although my inner squirrel tends to come out from time to time when I get frustrated, it's only for a moment not a lifestyle.  I have some big things coming down the pipe some of which will workout well and some not so much.  That is so ok and I really believe that everything is going to workout the way it needs to.  It's a complete hurry up and wait kind of deal. 

Thanks for letting me share, hugs P :)