Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> There are only two sins.
Post Info TOPIC: There are only two sins.
WorkingThroughIt


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 579
Date:
There are only two sins.
Permalink  

Getting in the way of another persons' growth and getting in the way of our own growth.

We can't save the alcoholic, folks.  I have to stop getting in the way of their fall, stop giving them someone to blame and look at my own motives. What do I want for myself? Same thing: security. Except i no longer want it because the price I pay is too big and I have not been able to find a way out. Today I will trust God and know I'll be ok.

See, it's not even about alcohol. I'm the drinker in the family and they're not, but I'm the abused, love-starved scapegoat ho's had the finger pointed at her for 35 years so others can be successful.

Case in point: Today I am cutting off all communication with my sick family. They cause me psychological doubt and confusion and tell me and others I'm "mentally ill". They get involved as 3rd parties in my own relationships with landlord,s doctors, and anyone else they can. My mother is especially an excellent manipulator. It tookme years in recovery to see what she does. Their communication to me is absolute insane abuse. The certainly cannot validate me emotionally. This re-creates itself in all my own adult relationships and causes me to be helpless and try to get others to validate me. I am a people-pleaser and the one to blame among all who know me no matter how close or distant the relationship is.

I got very physically sick recently and none of my doctors would help me. They simply refused to lift a finger. Sick, tired and helpless, I demanded harder. They retaliated with silence. I became angry and fired one of them. I reacted just like folks know I will. I give others releif from whatever fears and problems they have. Then I apologized for reacting so I can get relief for how bad I feel for what i do to myself! Now I am the bad one and the doctor is my "victim." *rolls eyes* I often end up gossiped about. I have a jighly successful well-known father so people really get a lot from this.

At least I see what I'm doing. I know my patterns now. And I know where it stems from. I have tried for years to accept and love my parents and stay in contact with them and use alanon tools but I do in fact need to cut contact and and heal.

They pay my rent - that is what I want. I have not been able to earn a living because I'm so sick and angry from what i do to myself that I can't sleep and am always emotionally and physically exhausted. Being exhausted leaves me with no strength or self-esteem to put my relationship skills to use. I have the information - and I'm getting sicker. By not cutting contact with them I am allowing them to take away the God I met in the 12 steps. all my hard work, and they can then "prove" that God and 12-step recovery doesn't work. I will no longer be a poor example of the 12 steps. I know I can do better for God.

I no longer have to ask anyone else what to do. I have accepted everything safely because God was there. All that's left is action. Maybe if I put No Contact into effect I will be able to sleep and get a job and stop being the Adult Child and become an adult, someone who doesn't react to everyone else around her and then get the finger pointed at her.

I have to allow my parents the dignity of making their own choices now. They will have to deal with each other. And frankly, if I stop saving them from doing that and they end up divorced, they'll probably both be happier, who knows? My father is always travelling anyway and my mother has given him a run for his money since the first moneht they were married 50 years ago. She's sick, she knows Alanon is there for her and she won't go. I feel for her - she's an adult child too.

Nevertheless, I am commiting a huge spiritual crime by stopping them from falling and having the choice to seek recovery. I am committing a huge spiritual crime by interrupting my own growth, I am of no use to anyone until i do this. All my writing and work in the 12 steps has pointed to it and I have not wanted to break the family status quo, get a job, work hard, and grow up. I've been afraid because I don't know what the future looks like. I am completely isolated and afraid to move forward.

All I have to do is the First Thing First. God will take care of the rest.

Everyone has to be on their own path. I'm an alcoholic, adult child, and codependent. We all have our own problems. My parents are not drinkers - I am. The dynamic is the same - it's not about alcohol.  What is it you want? Why are you sticking around? Let people fall if they have to.

Yes, I am angry today. No, it has nothing to do with Thanksgiving (which I have no means to get to 2 states away to see my family because of my poverty. Perfect.) Simply, after the events and insanity of last night, I choose today as the day to stop this. If anything, I'm giving my thanks to God for giving me a safe way to look at this and a way out.




-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Thursday 22nd of November 2012 09:12:46 AM

__________________
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:
Permalink  

Hi WorkingThroughIt

I agee and see that you certainly are living up to your log in nameaww

Alanon works and has set me free to be me and you are on your way.

 Please continue to share here and at face to face meetings.   Remember to be gentle with yourself and  know this is a process.

  Keep coming back



-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 22nd of November 2012 03:00:38 PM

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

WTI, I can identify with large portions of what you wrote. I think you have been wrestling with this for a long time. I moved 1000 miles away from my family to stop dysfunctional patterns and it didn't really work til I went to AA and really worked the steps to my best ability. I no longer depend on them and don't have the sick relationships I used to. I know your situation is not exactly the same as what I went through, but it's not altogether different either. I was the alcoholic. I was the mentally ill one. I was the one child my parents "had to worry about." I needed my parents to help me and I resented them for it at the same time.

I never labeled myself as scapegoat. I think that would have happened if I let the situation fester much longer though. My aunt lived that pattern with my grandparents her whole life. She basically has led her whole life funded by my now deceased grandparents while claiming my grandparents abused her. She spends all her time invested in being either medically or mentally sick. Hence, she wears the scapegoat role and it's been one she played her whole life. Her life has been really sad because she only lives in problems (which are bipolar disorder and borderline personality). Her disorders rob her of the insight to make change. Even after making realizations like the one you just made, she will be back to the same patterns within a month or less....begging for help and alternately firing off abusive and accusing letters. She is a perpetual victim. I didn't want to be that and it sounds like you don't want it either. This pattern existed in my family before I was born. It was my aunt in the generation before me. It was my great aunt in the generation before that. For whatever reason, I was the 1 child out of 3 that had the temperament and issues to fall right into that pattern. Nobody's fault. That's just how it played out. I did have the power to change it up though and so do you.

Your instincts are correct about needing distance from your family probably. When you are dependent upon them, it does put you in the role of a child and that will lead to depression, helplessness, fatigue. It's going to be very hard to break some of your patterns. Just move forward and later on when you have your life and freedom back, you can make an empowered choice whether or not to let them back in.

Take care of you and be your own best friend.

__________________
WorkingThroughIt


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 579
Date:
Permalink  

The work is done.
My life will change almost overnight by doing this one thing.
There will be no more chance of going back anymore than I thought I'd drink again after my first AA meeting.
I will stand in the sunlight of the spirit once again.
My capabilities are tremendous too.


__________________
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  

 

Aloha WorkingThroughIt and Mahalo nui (thanks a lot) for the memories.  Your share reminds me when I had reached the same position of self awareness and how it (with the help of my HP, sponsor and the fellowship Al-Anon Family Groups) played out for me.  I did this discovery step as you have and I took it to my sponsor and the metaphor was that I was standing in a dark room knowing there was a window some where and a door that I could open and let the light of what to do or what was coming next.  I was led to see how I would "feel the wall and walk holding on to the wall until I reached a door frame and I did and then I did get fearful because as I told my sponsor I didn't know what was on the otherside and I was afraid because afraid is what I did best...it helped others to get what they wanted and left me farther into the dark about what I wanted.  He told me that my fears could be right or could be wrong and I wouldn't know until I opened the door and so I did and what I got was light...bright light and not the dragons I thought would be there and the light helped me to find the windows to open so that I could let the breeze into the room (my life) and the bird songs and more.  I opened the door and left it open so I could search the room more for things...tools and blessing I could take with me went I went outside into the light and I went back to the door and looked out at what was out there and where I would go and my sponsor asked me what did I find...did I find a dragon...and my reply was no...there were no dragons...just another door. 

Don't stand in the way of your own sunlight.  Move toward the next door and go in.  Hold the door wide or knock it off its hinges so that others will come with you as you show them how it's done.  The program does work when you work it and I'm grateful for this share.  Much of it is my own story including being a "double" myself with the other warts attached.  You are not alone and this is your family.

(((((hugs)))))   Happy Thanksgiving.  smile



__________________
WorkingThroughIt


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 579
Date:
Permalink  

He Jeff, and thank you for that share. It was terrific and helped me very much. It is that type of sharing that gives me the courage to move forward. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too. (HUGS)

__________________
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

I have no experience or anything to share that way.

BUT I am so impressed by your share. So honest, so raw,so real!

You do make some very good points too! Thank you soooo much for expressing here as I know others will benefit from it too.

I care very much, you are loved here! debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
WorkingThroughIt


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 579
Date:
Permalink  

Thanks Debilyn! I was very angry this morning. Thank goodness I didn't hear from my family today. I did not call them either. I believe we basically know it's done. I spent a lot of time cleaning and getting the house in order and doing catch-up with bills and reading my meditation books. A lot of time meditating and talking to God. I'm grateful I was led to recovery.
Happy Thanksgiving.

__________________
WorkingThroughIt


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 579
Date:
Permalink  

Sheesh. I was so angry this morning. I have a lot of morning fear. Any Alanoners know where that comes from? Just basic fear for facing the day?

I did not hear from my family today and I let them be too. I don't think it will be much of a surprise when I make boundaries. It is for them too, I realize that when I type this. I need to give them some peace too. My mother will be upset but...

I forgot that I don't have to do everything all at once in a fit of rage. I can just make very heavy boundaries. I think I will return calls and emails after a 48 hour period, not right away, and i will only email. My emails will be very brief. I will try that first before I do anything drastic. it will be less hurtful to everyone. If it doesn't work and I'm still not healing or they're finding new ways to manipulate me, I'll go to the next level.

My day was fine. Lots of time with God and reading meditation books. I liked Jerry F's post in another thread about changing negative thinking with opposites and positives. This is one of the many things I have learned that I have not put into good practice.

I have been thinking about getting an Alanon sponsor for some time. It feels natural to want an AA sponsor but that hasn't worked out. I believe God wants me to get more serious with Alanon. Nothing happens by mistake.



__________________
Hoot Nanny


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1686
Date:
Permalink  

WTI: We read that of our AA daily reflections last night at our AA meeting this Thanksgiving night! Is that where you go it from?

I agree on both counts. I don't want to get in anyone's way either.

Kathleen



__________________
Hoot Nanny
WorkingThroughIt


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 579
Date:
Permalink  

You got it, Hoot Nanny. This is what meditation is. It's reading books like daily meditation books, then comtemplating them in our own minds and what they mean to us. As Step 11 in the Big Book says, it's about "thinking". THAT is the type of meditation that is suggested in 12-step fellowship.

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> There are only two sins.