The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
(((Zimmy))) I'm sad with you and I know how to because of our shared experiences. I recognize the words and the feelings in your letter cause I've said those also and felt that way too. Trying to love the alcoholic more than they loved themselves was so powerfully insane and then I did try to. Your email reminds me of some of the things I also use to do to try to get thru to her and to fix her. In the end I had to take off that blue colored longsleeved shirt with the large red "S" and go sit in the corner and cry until I had a meeting to go to. Like you have written...when I realized it was a disease and that it was cunning powerful and baffling and that I didn't cause it, nor could I control or cure it, I found the justification to turn her over and let go and let God. I wept like a baby because I didn't know what to do next and I was afraid of maybe hearing that she had lost everything including her life and that I had failed while there might have been one remaining "maybe if I could or would or should try this". One of the reasons the disease is soooo cunning powerful and baffling is because I take sooo long to let go when I have every reason to turn it over and that after trying everything and failing I react into thinking maybe there is something else I could try, and like a snake it continues to thwart every manner of resistance I have against it.
When I finally quit trying to fix my alcoholic/addict and family; when I finally turned away from the disease and the impossible mission; I found myself face to face with God...and good for me because I was exhausted and done and unable to resist the program of Al-Anon that God put in front of me.
What can I say other than Happy Thankgiving for the life I have now. My alcoholic/addict finally got into recovery in a manner that I could never have dreamed up in my entire life. She is now the metaphor for humility and probably doesn't know it although I believe that the way she did it was a message to me to do recovery the same way. I'm grateful for the journey and everyone who I have met during it and who have been my teachers including all here at MIP who have loved me while I have been learning to love myself. I'm keeping after that lesson and someday I'll find the balance I know that exists in it.
Go create a "God Box" and put a copy of the email in it...make sure you cannot get back into the box to grab it back. In support (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 21st of November 2012 04:45:42 PM
Im sending this this way as its easier than trying to text it on my phone.
Mick I love you like no other you are my soulmate, but I am so scared that the alcohol is beating you and that you will end up ill and eventually die..untreated alcoholism kills and that is my biggest fear. I am so angry that the disease of alcoholism is winning and you will lose all that means alot to you.
You cannot control the urge to drink, I am so gutted that alcohol wins over me and Beau. We both love you so much and it scares me shitless that Beau will not have a Daddy. You said that it was nice to see me smile, you have not seen the tears and the rage and the utter hoplesness I have that I cannot help you beat the crap that you are going through I know I have tried so hard but this is your battle alone.
I pray to God everyday that you will get help and move into recovery and become the man and father that I know you are. This year the drinking is progressing and we are losing you the pull of a drink, it has become stronger than the love of your family. I know that you love us with all your heart but its not enough the alcohol has a bigger pull than your love but it doesnt take away the love you have for us. I know you have an illness that is robbing you of everything, the people you drink with you cant care for you like we do and wont be there for you when you have nothing left.
For me it has got to the point where although its killing me that we cant be together the pain of being let down time and time again is intolerable to me and I have to protect myself and Beau from more hurt and dissapointment. I think you can understand that.
I hope and pray that you will find the strength to beat it, but it will or would be the biggest fight of your life to not drink and stay strong from the compulsion you have with the evil stuff.
I just wanted to get this of my chest.
godbless you, protect you and keep you safe x
I Hate the disease!!!!! I need to remind myself that I am powerless over alcohol and so is he so bloody sad, thanks for reading x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
