he says his addiction is none of my business - Al-Anon Family Group

jane99 · Member

he says his addiction is none of my business

Zimmy · Senior Member

Hi Jane....im no expert but what i do no there is no normal attitude with an alcoholic. For me I have to remember that my abf alcoholism be he drinking or not drinking is none of my business. As much as it hurts me and it causes me so much pain, but the fact of it is the disease he has has nothing to do with me. Are you new to this site or al-anon as a whole? Reason why I ask is that we have the 3 C's...we didnt Cause it, we cant Control it and we cant cure it.

Read as much as you can about alcoholism and al-anon and if you can find a face to face meeting in your area I would recommend you get to it. You will get much support here, so keep posting and I'm sure you well get more replies from people here who have lived or are living with the disease. Glad you found us.

Simone x

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jane Welcome to Miracles in Progress

Using the word Normal and Alcoholism in the same sentence brings up many conflicts in my mind. Insanity is described as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Alcoholism is a cunning, powerful disease over which we are powerless. We did not cause it and cannot cure it . So in a manner of speaking your BF is correct , his alcoholism and recovery has nothing to do with you.

We who live with this disease tend to loose ourselves in an effort to force solutions and we then require a recovery program of our own.Alanon is a fellowship of people who have lived with the problem of alcoholism and who have found answers that help them recover from the devastation of alcoholism.

You and your child deserve to experience this recovery. Alanon face to face meetings are found in all communities. Please check out alanon inter group in the white pages of your telephone directory and call. You will receive a list of meetings in your area . Please commit to attending at least 6 different meetings.

You are not alone.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Nothing is normal for an addict. Nothing is as you would expect a "normal" person to react. I'm sure that it's true that his relapses have nothing to do with you. They have everything to do with his being an alcoholic/addict. It's heartbreaking and I know you must be going through hell right now trying to come up with answers that make sense.

The best thing I could tell you is just to know he is sick. When you are confused, sad...angry....Try and just remember....He is SICK. That does not mean you have to feel sorry for him or chase after him. It just means that the answer to most everything is simply that he is sick with alcoholism and you don't need to torture yourself asking "Why?"

jane99 · Member

thanks. i meant to say that he doesn't believe that his addiction has had any impact on me or my kids.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

That's just straight up denial. Also probably him wanting you to "own your part" in whatever problems the kids have. It doesn't really matter because arguing with him is going to go nowhere. An alcoholic's ego is severely messed up and they cannot handle negative feedback until they do some serious work in AA. Trying to get them to accept reality is futile. You know the truth and that is what matters.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

it does have an impact of course - he may have just enough knowledge of Al Anon to use it as a weapon which is sick thinking/talking.

In Al Anon we learn to minimize the impact of their disease as much as possible to live a normal life "whether they drink or not". This is not the same as "it has no impact on you". He is correct however in that his disease is his problem and you would be wise to stay out of it. The only outcome of attempting to "help" or "get involved" is for you to get sick right along with him. You may already be there - our disease is enabling, addiction to a person, codependency, etc.

Welcome to Al Anon, we sure understand what you are going through.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

We cannot make them see what the disease does. Its a waste of time. they usually feel so guilty they cannot face it.

I don't believe their disease is any of my business and I don't want to hear or talk about it. If I love him I will just love him.

But I believe if I choose to live with anyone, I live with them as is.

hugs,debilyn

callmemara · Veteran Member

Define "business"
It's not my business when he comes home tries to get in bed with me smelling like the bar floor?
It's not my business when he wakes me up from a sound slumber for sex or yells instead?
It's not my business when he crashes my car?
It's not my business when he takes my debit card and drains my bank account to buy booze?
It's not my business when he almost sets the house on fire because he forgot he was cooking something on the stove and passed out?
It's not my business when we don't pay the rent on time because of his irresponsibility?

When is it not my business?

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Callmemara, of course if his drinking impacts you, it is your concern. We have to protect ourselves. And if we could do that by changing the alcoholic, we would. But millions of people have tried every way possible to get the alcoholic to change, and if there were a way, we would have found it by now.

Because there is no way to get them to change, protecting ourselves is up to us. Our attitude has to be, "He's gonna do what he's gonna do. I have to regard that as none of my business. But what am I going to do?"

If we choose to keep on living with them, we know what they're like already. They get to choose their lives just as we get to choose ours. And if we're harmed by and hate their choices, we have control over ourselves and whether we expose ourselves to them.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.