The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I used to think I was a really empathic person. I could identify with people who had problems so well and could almost feel what they were feeling.
I also would spiral into a whole circle of emotions about how unfair life was and how I felt I had been given a bad deal. I certainly (even though I have a practice of gratitude) do not feel I have the best end of the stick right now. At the same time I no longer feel absolutely consumed with envy over other people's lives. I know that what appears on the surface is not what might be happening and the need to know what might be happened (well actually an obession) has gone! This weekend I learned that someone I know had had a very tragic situation (her new husband died on their honeymoon). Normally I would be on this whole comparison theme of what was the comparison to my life (and I have to admit sometimes I do think that having an alcoholic boyfriend/husband is akin to being a widow!). Normally I would be very aware of what every one elses reaction was and how I had to make up for all those under reactions. This woman's entire family is completely lost over the sudden death and the holidays will be very different for them. For once my desire to rush in and offer all kinds of suggestions were not there. I didn't even think to offer a support group (wow!) and I didn't even think that I knew what this woman needed to do and how I, and only I, knew what that was.
I always viewed myself as a very compassionate loving person now I think I was actually very very controlling. I thought that giving was natural for me and in fact it was a means to try to control people and it always seems to have backfired. Walking the line of boundaries is so good for me because I am used to being around people who have none! Now I think I am a fundamentally different person. The whole issue of being incredibly dependent in a relationship (rescuing being with someone 24/7) is no longer attrative to me. I viewed those kinds of relaitonships as romantic before now I really want my own life..... and having that is absolutely sacred to me. I did not have enough self esteem to believe I was worth that before.
What a great and powerful share, Maresie! One I really needed to read right now. It reminds me a little of something I saw discussing a few weeks ago with a very good friend whose husband is an opiate addict. I used to think that the idea that I knew someone else better then I knew myself was some sort of badge of honor--that it somehow "proved" how "in touch" I was with other people. Never mind that I had no clue what I needed to be happy, what I wanted in my own life. I want to know myself better than anyone else. Period.
Years ago someone said to me: 'its a selfish programme.' I did not agree with that completely; I decided to set my sights on this: not to be self-centred but centred on self. I had first to find that self. And then to develop a sense of self. I want to be friendly, kind, and compassionate. But most of all these must also apply to me!
Thank you Maresie for a very thought provoking share. I am glad we both discovered that we do not have to justify our existance and are worthy just because we are alive.
I must agree that since I have been in alanon I have changed my definition of many words. I too thought that I was extremely kind, compassionate and loving person filled with empathy . Working this program taught me to examine my motives and to truly redefine what I thought was compassion, love and empathy
The bottom line of my issues was that. I had shut down my own feelings and refused to permit myself to acknowledge my feelings. I really did "Feel" what others were feeling. and in doing this it was all important that I fix the situation so that I could feel better.
Alanon taught me to focus on myself, identify my feelings, express what I thought and permit others to do the same. I was not all powerful and could understand and have compassion on others without having to fix it or engage.
Since I learned to stay inside my own life I also learned to keep connected to HP who resides deep within with serenity and peace. I can now love, have compassion and empathy with others and know that with the alanon tools they will keep on keeping on
Thanks again
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 20th of November 2012 04:24:02 PM
Hotrod: I had not imagined that being shut down was part of the process. I do know that being around the ex a I was of course on overwhelm all the time. I also know that at times my interventions seems to plateau things out but inevitably the crises continued and they escalated. With support from al anon I could learn that I did not have to step in anymore and did not have to be roped in to doing things I was not meant to participate in anymore.
I am a grateful member of al anon these days and I am grateful I can have empathy rather than full on identification with others that I didn't know where I began or ended.
