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So here it is, another evening of him drinking. Not a ranging drunk, just the usual buzz on. We had a nice day together today, but it seems the evenings are always the same - he needs to drink. Part of me wants to talk about this with him, when he's sober. But I know, in reality, it probably wouldn't make any difference. I'm trying to be detached, to not nag or pester him about his drinking, but I feel like its not fair that I don't get to say how angry and hurt I am. How can we have a meaningful relationship if I have to keep my true feelings under wrap? Then again, I guess we'll never have a truly meaningful relationship as long as he's drinking, so what's the point. I get that I'm supposed to be making myself happy and making my own life meaningful, but what am I to expect from my marriage? Nothing?
I really don't know what to say, except I am sorry that this is so difficult. Looking back on my own marriage that is now over, I'm currently divorcing, I wish I had been able to use more of the THINK acronym in dealing with my STBAX.
It's not to say that the end result wouldn't have been the same .. just how much pressure I would have taken off of myself in having these expectations that he even came close to thinking the way I do.
There was no way I could talk about how angry I felt about something especially the drinking and the costs of the drinking (Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, Kind) without there being a blow up of some kind. Usually it would be me ranting and all communication was out the window at that point.
I think you have a right to state something one time .. after that one time it then becomes controlling. Sure you can say it 50x however it doesn't mean it's going to change his reaction or non reaction to it.
I have had to ask myself many times .. is this the time that I want to bring this topic up because once I do I have to let it go and give it over to God? Can I state this without the expectation that he's going to have a light bulb moment of what the cost to the family has been and will continue to be?
Is it fair? No it doesn't seem like it. In what way is a relationship with an addict fair? What do I get out of choosing not to nag about the same thing over and over? Peace of mind and the ability to realize that no matter what I do I'm not going to make him see the light. For me I decided this is not the kind of relationship that I want to have in my own marriage and there were a ton of other factors in it. I will have to accept my part and only my part in the demise of my own marriage.
Sending you lots of love and support during this difficult time. Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The whole concept of detachment and focussing on yourself is not one of "should" - it is just simple, honest, and experience-related feedback that focussing one's attention on the A - what they are doing or not doing, etc - tends to be an exercise in futility, frustration, and keeps YOU sick....
My wise old sponsor used to remind me: "it is neither right nor wrong, it simply is" - and I think that is very applicable to your circumstances... the FACTS are that your A drinks, he is unavailable (at least at times), and he is not willing and/or unable to fulfill your needs at this time....
Soooo... the bottom line question, is "what are you going to do about it?" - Our program tends to encourage us that you can, indeed do something about the YOU part of this equation.... and that's where our focus is best placed....
I always smiled at the funny line - even in my darkest moments:
People who think that life should treat them fairly because they are a nice person, probably think that the tiger won't eat them, because they are a vegetarian.
Keep taking care of you....
Getting yourself healthy, through all of this - will help you find the right answers - for you - regardless of whether or not he ever chooses to find recovery...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
There is a difference between not nagging and not saying anything. You can keep your opinion and state it when necessary and helpful to you. It's not nagging to talk about the obvious. For example, if you choose to go to another room to not be around him drinking, you can say "You know I don't like to be around you when you are drinking." That is not nagging. That is your boundary and your truth. Saying things and harping on things over and over again expecting it will change him is nagging. Stating what you feel periodically in a way that is true to yourself is not. That is your truth and I feel it's okay to express. If you don't express it at all, you will build a resentment and feel like you are condoning something you really dislike. You don't have to state you dislike his drinking all the time, but you don't need to expect yourself to be okay with it. That's not realistic.
This might be a great time to practice saying what you mean, mean what you say without saying it mean when he is sober. Take care of yourself and maybe while he is drinking you can do a healthy hobby for yourself or make extra meetings. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Your feelings are so similar to what I experienced with my AW. I lived with this pain and anxiety for years and years. Over time the detachment necessary for me to keep any semblance of peace and sanity eroded our intimacy and slowly killed our relationship. We have been married 18 years with two teenage children and now we are separated. I so often wished for a "normal" relationship and home life. I did all the wrong things to try to achieve this in the beginning that just made me "sick" with the disease. Now that I have finally acted upon what I needed to do long ago to take care of me, which was leave the relationship, I feel much better overall. Yes it is hard in the beginning to let go.......telling your children, family, coworkers, friends.......but these difficulties are nothing compared to what you have already endured emotionally. You will find much love and support when you start to take care of yourself.
I would recommend that you read the book "Getting Them Sober". It will definitely help you sort through your feelings and give you peace and comfort. It sounds like you are traveling on the same exact road I did. You have to somehow find peace in the fact that there there is nothing you can do to change your AH, and if you try they will make you feel even more miserable and will likely want to drink even more. This is your reality. You must take are of you and be true to yourself. I rationalized staying in the marriage for so long for all of the wrong reasons..........you must focus on your own health and well-being. I know it is scary......you probably see the end of your marriage in the horizon and feel powerless to stop it.................you will find the the strength to make the right decision for you, whatever that is, and ultimately you will feel peace, love, respect, and safety. It is there for you. Do not feel guilty about seeking it...you are valuable and deserve all of these things.
