Add me to this list. My family does not acknowledge the abuse I grew up with either. However, I was not shunned but rather sought after, as if I was some sort of elixir to their dysfunction. I think it is natural to feel some sort of bond (?) or innate connection to one's family, even if they are abusive. I have tried to deal with the guilt I've felt as the one doing the shunning. As I type, there is a 6-day old email from my mother (Hi, how are you doing) that I don't know how to respond to, if I even should. It is a problem and sometimes I wish they were the ones doing the shunning.

Maybe it would help to remind yourself that unhealthy people do unhealthy things. Their response at the funeral was no doubt hurtful to you and took your attention away from what should have been mourning this special person in your life. They made it an opportunity to emotionally punish you and that was not right.

Keep reaching for your own peace and serenity. It is worth it. Maybe in time you can see it is not quite a bad thing to be shunned by a group of abusive, hurtful people?

I would not put it as shunned. In an enmeshed family if you are not enmeshed with them they cannot really understand why you could leave, or why you would leave.  Few people get to grips with their family of origin.  Many many people stay enmeshed.  I think it is very hard to let go of the family you never had.  I know for years and years I kept hoping that my family of origin would see their roles in the cycle of abuse and dysfunction. They did not.  I did not see of speak to my family of origin for a long time. When my mother died (unexpectedly) my family of origin closed ranks still further.  If anything they became more sentimental and in more denial than ever about our childhood.  For me one of the most shocking aspects is the whole extended family that is cousins and people who have very little if any contact are all enmeshed. They really do embrace those dysfunctional family roles. For me as the scapegoat what was good is that I didn't have to lie about that our family was absolutel dysfunctional. What hurt was being abandoned.  On the surface it looked like I was being abandoned on a regular basis but the core issue for me was that I never really had anyone who protected me. 

I am so sorry you had such a bad experience at a funeral.  I am sure that complicated your grief still further.  I have had to come to terms with that not only did I not have a core functional family as a child that that extended into adulthood.  I once found the holiday season very very painful because it reminded me of my loss. I am on the other side of that now.  I am no longer submerged in grief but I did have to walk through the grief to get there. I also have to say I made a point most of my life of finding other people similar to my family of origin in so many ways to bring into my life.  Most of that was unconscious but on another level I had so much to work out about what growing up in my family meant for me.  I continue to do that to this day.

There is no question being alone, an orphan, is very hard at this time of year.  I would hope you will keep this group close to you at this time.  I know, from experience, many therapists take off for the holidays and that seems like another abandonment (or did to me).  This is one place that never closes. There is a chat room here 24 hours a day. There are meetings here twice a day.  You can also contact individual members to talk to them if you feel very lonely.  Welcome to this group.

Maresie.