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Hi guys, I typed this up on a word document for myself but changed it so I could address it here. We had our 4th session with MT number 2. Some good things are coming out of it, some bad. Basically, I'm seeing my part and seeing where I am unwilling to accept a lot of his character traits and behaviors that have changed over the years.
It pretty much came out that he doesn't want to hear my stories like when I'm just trying to make basic conversation because he's not interested in them, and I don't want to hear him rail about the government and how he's paying for all the illegals, etc. All he wants to talk about is the state of our government and how awful life is or is going to be for all of us soon, and all I want to talk about is sharing my day and finding out about his. So, I guess we're at an impass, LOL.
As for the drinking, he and the therapist basically agreed that they have differing opinions over whether AH is an alcoholic. AH doesn't think he is(go figure) while the therapist thinks he needs outside help/counseling/etc. So, the therapist changed the subject and decided it was time for us to work on some communication skills. Honestly, I found these helpful. We did some role playing and brought up some things that were important. I saw where I make assumptions, where I set up my defenses, etc. Not sure what AH saw, but I felt good coming out of it. Well, let me rephrase this: I felt good about what I'm learning about me, not necessarily about our marriage. Still not sure what's going on with that. And, it turns out that AH took the money out of checking to buy 2 new tennis racquets. I still don't understand why he took the money out over such an extended period of time and I still don't feel like he's being 100% honest, but there's nothing I can do about it. Also, the counselor didn't want to start working on helping me build trust or what we need to do for that process to happen. He said we'll get to that another week? AH is confused about how to become trustworthy and I made it clear that he needs to be more transparent, but the subject was changed and we never addressed it. I'm still uncomfortable being around AH, he is very unfriendly and uncommunicative with me, giving me one word answers and not making eye contact, etc. He doesn't answer texts, won't respond to my emails, and basically has taken the stance that it's not worth communicating with me because everything he says is wrong or will be judged by me.
Anyway, I really felt that it was eye opening to see where I go wrong in communicating and I feel it gives me a springboard to learning more about myself. I've also been really working hard at getting into Codependent No More and she's brutally honest about what codies are like and the behaviors and attitudes that we have that are part of our downfalls/character flaws, etc. Very eye opening week for me. Can't say that AH is enjoying it.....oh well.
Interesting post, and glad that the counselling is giving you some clarity....
One line you mentioned summed up my beliefs/experiences/fears with respect to the whole idea of marriage counselling while the A is still active...
So, the therapist changed the subject and decided it was time for us to work on some communication skills.
If it works for you - then that's the key..... For me, it was an unmitigated disaster, and typically the experience has more negative results than positive.... I don't know how therapists can "shelve" the drinking issue, in an attempt for a couple to work on other things..... just my two cents.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I know, Tom, that's my concern too. We even explained to the therapist that we don't do much talking to each other at this point anyway, so I'm not sure why we were working on communication issues to begin with. I think the therapist felt he had to start somewhere because AH won't deal with the drinking issue. AH has not been drinking for about 12 days or so that I know of, but I'd hardly call that long term sobriety especially since he won't get help or go to AA.
And, so far, it's not necessarily working for US, but I feel that it's good for me to learn what I can about how I communicate because I can apply it to other relationships and not just my marriage. My stepfather drives me crazy as does my sister, so I can learn how to handle them more gently and learn how to let them keep their sides of the street clean, too. As for AH, he's going to have to do his part. Right now, he just walks around all angry, not talking to me, giving me one word answers to simple questions, and doesn't even bother to respond to my text messages. I think it's part of a power struggle/control thing for him and I'm tired of playing so I just do what feels right, I pray about it, talk to my sponsor, and wait things out.
I was in marriage counselling with an alcoholic as well. The issue of substance abuser never came up. He admitted to alcohol and other drug use. I have to say that although at the time I felt it was not working over time the work I did there did give me clarity. There were many many issues, too numerous to name that helped but of course nothing changed the substance abuse history at all.
I am so glad you are willing to be open and patient around trying something like this. Patience is not my forte as a codependent.
I also have to say that most of the time I have found therapy in any shape or form pretty difficult. I have done the works, individual, group as well as marital, couples counselling. I used to be pretty upset most of the time about all the issues that were not attended to. I now think that pretty much most of the time I did not feel the benefit for any kind of therapy till long long after I had stopped. Now I can see those issues very clearly. I think much of that is from living in chaos, complete dysfunction. When everything is dysfunctional, when there are so many real roadblocks in your life it is pretty hard to see any improvement at all. I went to therapy for a number of years after I left the ex A and I didn't feel much better than either but now I do. I hope you will hold out for the improvement.
I'm glad you are learning something about yourself. I had a good experience in counseling (for myself, not the marriage kind) if only to get some validation that *I* was not crazy, but responding to a crazy situation. Sometimes I think it must be awfully hard for a counselor to deal with the issue of addiction head on when there is denial on the part of the addict. You don't want to alienate your client from the get-go and I reckon some counselors try to establish a bit of a trusting relationship first before they confront. It can feel unfair to us partners who are sitting on the couch wringing with angst...but that is my take. And some counselors are clueless to addiction. I personally agree with Tom. I don't know how you work on a relationship with an addict without FIRST addressing the addiction, which colors and dictates all interactions.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
