The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, I'm new here. I'm the mother of a 27 year old son. He has been out of a 28 day rehab program solidly based in AA, he's been home for a little over three weeks. Sadly he's relapsed, and back in the hospital going through detox again. We had plans to go to Austin to see my oldest son, leaving on Sunday. My husband and I don't know what to do. Do we cancel our trip (we bought flight insurance)? Do we go and leave him here? Do we take him with us (assuming he's out by Sunday)? This is all so overwhelming. Any advice is appreciated!!
I am glad that your son has returned to detox and is seeking help. The AMA has defined alcoholism as a disease and since this is so we, the families are powerless over this disease. We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it.
Alanon is a fellowship of men and women who live or have lived with the problem of alcoholism. Here we learn how to break the isolation caused by living with the fear, anxiety, anger, and resentment caused by living with this illness. We also learn how to:
To Keep the Focus on ourselves, our lives and following thru with plans. We also stop projecting our worry and fear into the future and Live in the Present One Day at a Time.
I suggest that you look for the alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. The main number can be found in the white pages. We do not give advise here as we believe that the answer for of our lives are within each of us. All we need to do is encourage each other to look within for the answers.
Try to relax, breathe deeply and trust the still small voice within.
I'm glad you have found us, and sorry to hear about your son. I'm afraid that probably there are no easy answers about your son. Perhaps someone who knows the specifics of his situation, such as an addictions counselor who has overseen his detoxing, can say what they usually recommend to families.
I just wanted to say that my experience with trip insurance is that it usually only applies in a certain number of specific events, rather than for anything that might keep you from making the trip. You might look at the small print on the policy and/or talk to someone at the company about this situation. The flight insurance I'm familiar with would not have covered it. That doesn't mean that you should decide one way or the other, just that it helps to know exactly what's what as you go forward.
I hope you'll find some good Al-Anon meetings near you. There's nothing better than local face-to-face support. We're here too whenever you need us.
I'm sorry about your son, that must be so hard. In alanon we learn that we are powerless over the disease of addiction and that there is nothing we can do or say to change someone. The change has to come from themselves. The sooner we get out of the way of our A's the better it is for theirs and our recovery. I don't believe in telling others what to do or advice giving, only you will know what is right for you. However, I can share my experience with this. My younger brother is 23 and is an addict. My mom and I have enabled him for years by running to his side, finding rehabs, taking him to rehabs, paying his rent, letting him live with us, finding sober living facilities for him, all of which told him that he was not capable of doing all that on his own. We were robbing him of the dignity he needed to figure out how to get clean, stay clean, and support himself...he can do it by himself. We canceled trips, we avoided family get togethers, and changed our lives because of his behavior. Our lives became unmanageable. My mom and I stopped enabling him and helping him after we started attending alanon. We didn't give him a place to stay no matter how much he called and begged we didn't help him. I knew he was sleeping on the streets and not helping him was the hardest thing I've ever done. After we got out of his way, he learned to fend for himself. He got government aid, food stamps, and found a room for rent that he could afford with money he got from recycling and government aid. He still continued to use. He kept calling us to see if we would budge on giving him a place to stay or money. We kept saying "no, that doesn't work for me" and going to alanon. Alanon helped us to take care of us, focus on our recovery and what we contribute to addiction in the family, and live our lives. Addiction is a family disease. My other relationships were neglected because I focused so much energy and time on my brother. Alanon helped me to get my relationships back on track and remember that my brother is an adult and can figure out his own life. Months after this, actually a week ago, he decided to go to detox, and then after that he called his sponsor and checked into a 1 year inpatient rehab facility that is free. He chose to do it, he is doing it now, and whether he keeps in recovery is completely up to him. I havent seen him in over 4 months, which has been so hard. He is doing this by himself because only he can make this change. I can't do anything to help him recover except focus on my own recovery in alanon. I believe he is strong and capable of huge change and I have faith my higher power will deliver him from this stronghold of addiction. If I rushed to his side to scoop him up, he would only have more reason to use, cuz he would know I'd be there to fix things and take care of him. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and I know how difficult and scary it is to go on a trip when your loved one is suffering. Only you know what the right choice for you is, I just thought I'd share my story with you. This was just my experience and what has worked for me. Alanon saved my life and I feel it is helping me recover. This message board has helped me through some dark dark times as well. I'm still new at this whole alanon thing, and I struggle everyday. Hope this was helpful. Keep coming back!!
It's painful to watch the ones we love suffer; the pain for me was really in the idea I couldn't save mine from "the effects" of his disease; I felt so powerless and so responsible sometimes. The hardest part is we expect them to make it when they get out and are 'always' surprised if it doesn't last. I realised for me when the person changed his behavior, i thought he was differant everytime as if he had changed (probably into someone with no addiction). There were also days I thought he was such a failure for not being strong enough until I learned alot more about the disease. Today, I kick back and say wow, why am I surprised he relapsed or .. couldn't beat the disease on his own? The rest of us are powerless and need the loving interchange of a 12 step program that includes higher power .. What I've since learned is that when I was with mine, I was sure we both knew there was a problem. I finally get that for him he didn't have a problem, he had a solution. the drugs were giving him his sanity, serenity, freedom, etc .. from whatever it was he was running from which was the inner-link to the problem. I was without knowing it but in truth expecting him to give up a whole lot more than just his current addiction .. at the same time, I wouldn't even try alanon because I had the solution too; not the problem . My solution was just get the addict off the drugs and then everything will be fine .. I've learned for me personally that nothing was happening by mistake even before my program .. I like the addict had to go through all my pain before I would become entirely ready or willing to get through the doors of recovery ..
I heard a member who shared on the pain of addiction when a son/daughter was drinking .. They learned to leave them on the floor when they came home drunk and passed out because it was in their "best" interest .. they then shared they learned their "best" interest isn't always going to be their happiest or their smoothest .. In all Truth .. the alcoholic/addict would learn more him/herself by being left then by caringly placed in bed where they can sleep in comfort and dodge the natural effects of their choices .. I love that because it's given me a relatively new perspective in certain situations for my own personal life.
When it comes to the situation of your son who (maybe not so unfortunately relapsed again) It's painful yes, and I used to wonder well where is God ? If there's so much pain, etc.. does he care ?? I used to think Gods working through others would make the picture look good and make everything ok and if there was chaos no way could God work through it .. Well for me I recognise today, my own higher power (with respect to everyone's) is God and my God has Always worked through joy and happiness but also very much through chaos, pain, and intense suffering ..
So, the question is .. and only You can answer it for you .. What is in the addict's "best" interest .. to stay and try to give comfort ? or to allow him to remain passed out on the floor so to speak to feel the effects of the choices and take the trip .. (not at all saying in this what to do ... merely offering another possible perception) ... detachment with love might be .. call, send a caring card, let them know we love them but follow through with our own self care and best interest as well .. as far as what's in our own best interest, only we can decide that for ourselves .. when it comes to our choice, noonecould make one for another because what would work for us may not work for others, etc..
Two quick questions that come to mind you should ask yourself: If you stay, what are you going to do? (After all, his recovery and program is about HIM, not you. You and your husband need your own program.) and secondly, If you go, what do you fear will happen if you stay home won't happen? If there is fear of property safety of yours and things such as that then it is a different story. You however cannot put your life on hold because he MIGHT relapse. You didn't cause it, you CANNOT control it, and you CANNOT cure it. Best of luck and keep coming back. It is a long and sometimes lifetime process but there is help and support. You are NOT alone by any stretch.
