thinking about a non a who is addicted to his a ? huh? - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

thinking about a non a who is addicted to his a ? huh?

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Remember that kids game where someone either hid something when the other person had their eyes covered? Then the person who hid their eyes went looking for what was hid. As they got closer or further away from where the thing was hid; you were told you were getting warmer or colder. To me, this is what reasoning things out with higher power's guidance is about. It sounds like you're reasoning things out with the help of your hp. Keep sharing. Hugs. TT

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Relationships where one or both partner has alcoholism/addiction is a breeding ground for codependency. What you are describing sounds like codependency to me and it's not uncommon for both alcoholics and alanoners. We get used to relationship drama, living in crisis, and it take as very long time to find serenity again. Some never do. Whenever you meet anyone in a self-help group there's a substantial chance they have issues.

You are human though. Try not to obsess and worry. If this relationship is going to work out, it either will or wont. He will do what is needed to be with you or not. I've tried to get people to do things they were not ready to do for a very long time in past relationships. That wound up being more painful than if they just flat out rejected me in the first place.

It is also inevitable that there is some rebounding going on and some fear of being alone for him. That doesn't mean his feelings for you aren't valid, but it's just the way it is. Nonetheless, some marriages have started off the rebound and lasted years and years. It's up to your HP.

avid · Member

I understand compleley.
My daughter is married to an A.
She supports him and buys into his "plan" for the future.
She is in as much denial as he is.
It makes me crazy.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

Now I am wondering, am I enabling him? Do I give him a soft place to land? Does it make the progress slower cuz he has me to listen, support him, remind him of slogans etc?

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Hmmmm - could that be some Devine Guidance sneaking in there? Remember hon, we never walk alone.

(((((HUG)))))

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to laugh, because can always relate. I have a non A bf to a non A me addicted to her exAH, hmm. Sending you love and support!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

This post got me thinking that I would lay this out in front of my sponsor and ask...What do you see here and how would you proceed?...Seriously...I didn't have the tools or moxie to fix anyone and the record shows I wasn't doing very good at fixing myself. Ask your sponsor Deb and see what the feedback is that you get. (((hugs))) smile

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I am around lots of people where I feel like often I need to step in and try to confront them on some issue. I know the days of wanting to "fix" anyone is something I can not indulge in on any level. I also know that when certain people absolutely want to be fixed that the fact I don't dive in there as I used to really annoys them.

Detaching around people we care about is an ongoing task and not something an active codependent is capable of. My usual methodology as a codependent is to be acutely aware of what others are rather than be acutely aware of what I am. When anyone has been around an alcoholic there is bound to be a reservoir of resentment, anger and sometimes a deep depression. I certainly think for anyone being around you with your open processing and willingness to go to the bottom of issues would be inspiring and maybe that alone will help them move to another place. Letting someone else have their process is pretty difficult because of course I would like to make it my process rather than their process. The issue for me is always about what I need and how I have set someone else up to be the person to fix those needs. When I am around people who are afraid, angry (but not expressing it) lonely and who have poor boundaries,my immediate reference is to step in and try to fix them. I have had to overcome that because of course I am in no position to fix anyone until I have fixed myself and holding back and not fixing is not something I am that familiar with.

Speaking as someone who was absolutely suicidal with codependence when I got here I was absolutely aware that the way I interacted was not exactly healthy. No one had to confront me with that but few if any people could accept me right where I was at that time. Some counselors actually fired me because I was too depressed and others just got exasperated around my paralysis or action. I had friends dump me because they couldn't hear it anymore. When I encountered people who were triggered by my absolute passivity and inability to take care of myself and who got angry at me I felt devastated. I can't stay it was anything like therapeutic although it may have been for them. What was healthy was for me to be around people who didn't judge, didn't prod and didn't assume they knew what I needed to do even though I begged them to tell me. Patience, acceptance, detachment are not easy to practice when we want someone to transform overnight because we need them to be something else. I have had to let go daily of my need for anyone to be something other than they are. The only person I can change is myself and that is a real uphill task most of the time. Letting to doesn't come naturally to someone who has been absolutely ensnared with an alcoholic and takes time, practice and most of all patience.

Maresie.

blueyz · Newbie

Deb,
I am new here. I have been in AlAnon for a few years and separated from my AH for a year and a half. I filed for divorce a few months ago and, as you can imagine, the AH has bogged everything down and is dragging it out trying to control every step.

I met someone very special and he was also married to an A. Reading your post, I think I might be the one addicted to the A. I think I must talk about the drama and chaos all the time. It never occurred to me that I was doing this until I read your post.

Thank you so much for putting into words what I couldn't see. Time to move forward and leave the A and all the craziness behind.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.