Thanks for your prayers, condolences and esh.  I am so glad to be home again and back to my daily life. I am going back to work tomorrow. It'll be good to see everyone and return to somewhat of a routine.  I have a very understanding boss who called today to ask how I was and told me I could take more time off if I come in and it doesn't feel right. She's already approved my time off for next week.  I think I'll be ok for the next three days.

My brother did a good job with funeral arrangements but it had been a long time since I'd seen him and he's definitely struggling with his own life. It was painful to see him and hear him as he is now.  I know I need to apply the 3 Cs.  I have said some prayers, am working on acceptance of what is and trying to stay away from if only. It feels so raw - losing my mother and watching the disease of alcoholism overtake my brother.  I hope my brother finds recovery.  It was good to see my sponsor waiting to take me home from the airport. She asked me to share on the trip home. I found a sympathy card from her waiting for me in the mailbox after dropping my carry on bag in the house.

I attended an open AA meeting this morning. My recovering abf was going and I decided to tag along.  The topic was prayer. There was a daily reading about judging others. My higher power had me where I needed to be.  Everyone shared their favorite prayer in the program or a prayer in their own words to their higher power.  My favorite prayer is the third step prayer. I felt welcomed at the meeting, grateful and not alone - my hp was with me and cares for me.

I've got a bit of a tough road ahead and the holidays are coming, holidays without my mom.  I have lots of support and love surrounding me.  This program taught me how. It helped me to work on honesty, openness and willingness.  There is a hole in the world where my mom use to be but thankfully there isn't a god sized hole within me any longer. My life is unfolding as my higher power intends.  God's will not thy will be done.  I'm accepting the loss of my mother.  I don't like it but I accept it.  I'm also trying to turn my focus from my brother back to myself and love him as best I can from a distance since those are his terms. I'm trusting that God won't give either of us more than we can handle for today.

Oh by the way, some of you may remember that miserable situation about a bill that I went to court over.  I had done a good job of representing myself but their had been no change in the decision. My recovering abf encouraged me to try one more time since I had one more opportunity to do so.  Today I got a letter from a higher judge who questioned the decision made and wants it further investigated.  I may have a new outcome next month.  If not, it still feels great that the judge is questioning exactly what I questioned.  I feel I was really heard.  We'll see.  

Thank you for reading my long post and for being here.  I've been reading a lot here since I got home last night and your experience, strength and hope is really helping me.  Hugs.  TT