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I haven't written on here in a very long time but have found myself in a curious spot so I thought I'd write to see if I could get some feedback.
I was married to a pill addict. Long story short there were many years of lies, theft, sickness...everything that comes with addiction.
In July of 2011 my husband finally stuck out a rehab program. During that time I moved out of our house for a couple reasons. 1) I had been the only one working for over a year and could not afford it any longer. 2) I wanted us to live separately so that we could both spend some times working on fixing ourselves.
Unfortunately, after 3 months in rehab he came home and went right back at it. He found himself without a place to stay so would occasionally crash on my couch, each time taking something valuable with him to pawn for more drugs. The straw broke when I let him in and he pawned my wedding ring. Although I was not wearing it at the time it sat next to my bed as a reminder for me to look at every night and every morning.
I ended up pressing charges and filing for divorce, which I dragged out hoping he would be scared straight. His addiction continued to grow and finally in May of this year our divorce was final.
Due to the charges I pressed against him he is on probation and color codes which involves random drug testing. If he fails one he spends minimum 12 months in jail. He is in his third month of this and is doing great staying clean. He has even started working again and is living at his parents house. We see each other now and then just to catch up and let the dogs play (we each took one).
I've recently started dating again but he is often in my head. I cry myself to sleep here and there over the sadness my heart is still feeling. Sometimes I call him just to say hello because I need to hear his voice.
When I first left him, I thought my pain and heartache came from the addiction I had to the whirlwind we were living in. But after physically separating myself from that 15 months ago the heartache is still continuing. This makes me think that maybe this isn't my addiction to him or the fact that I am having a hard time letting the dream of growing old together die, but that I truly still love him. Then I start to question if I've made some terrible mistake. I think to myself that I gave up too early. And then I get down on myself wishing I could have been stronger.
Has anyone been in this situation before? Is it supposed to be this hard to move on? He asks me why if I still love him we don't try it again. Although my heart loves him with every ounce my brain is wiser than that and does not want history to repeat itself. Not to mention, my whole family would disown me if I put myself back in that situation just for it to turn out the same way.
I guess I just don't know what to expect at this point and wanted to see if anyone could tell me how their situation went for them.
Thanks for listening and in advance for any responses. :)
I have no experience or advice to give you on this, but I wanted to just come on and give you a virtual (((HUG)))! I'm sorry you're struggling but it sounds like there is progress for YOU to be made here. I know many people who divorced and got back together YEARS later, so it's never too late to give up home. The most important thing is that you BOTH get healthy for yourselves first and this is the perfect time for you to spend time on you.
Boy do I relate to your post - I've been away from the chaos for over two years and divorced just a bit over a year and still find myself with no desire to date because I know my heart hurts too much. I have to look at it realistically - I love him, I miss him, it is like he died but I still get to see him sometimes. I mourn the marriage I thought I was going to have, I mourn the man that first attracted me to himself. I mourn the dream. I'd say 5 months is hardly enough time to heal the deep wounds left by it all. My marriage, the divorce and its aftermath was devastating to me and I suspect it will be a long time before I am ready to even consider dating. An opinion I read once said to give yourself 5 years between any major relationships - 5 years! But I think thats solid advice because I know I am still too damaged to date and I don't want to make every guy in the world pay for the ex's sins. Plus, I understand a few things differently now, that I have to be a whole person, find the rest of myself and be comfortable in my skin and really KNOW what I want and don't want in a mate. And, I am sort of fond of the idea of just letting him come into my life - not really looking, just living and someday maybe there will be someone whose friendship runneth over into something more.
I didn't make a mistake divorcing him, and as someone said to me, you can always remarry him. You had the strength to change what you could.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
You say, "When I first left him, I thought my pain and heartache came from the addiction I had to the whirlwind we were living in. But after physically separating myself from that 15 months ago the heartache is still continuing. This makes me think that maybe this isn't my addiction to him or the fact that I am having a hard time letting the dream of growing old together die, but that I truly still love him."
I mistook my addiction to someone for love many, many times. The fact is that I think we can have both love and an addiction. Just like an alcoholic can truly appreciate the taste of alcohol and be addicted to it. But the important question I've finally arrived at is: Where has my love (or whatever it is) gotten me? Is it a love that has provided me with a calm, healthy and secure haven, or has it been that I've always been hoping for those things, which always seemed just around the corner? I did have some wonderful times, usually in the very early days, with the men I've been addicted to. (Alcoholics have had wonderful times with alcohol, too.) Those wonderful times kept me hanging in there hoping for more of them, despite the increasing pain and chaos. Because no one would be in a relationship if there weren't something good about it. The memory of the good times is what keeps us hanging on waiting for it to return full-time. Increasingly I had to deny what was really going on to feel that security and hopefulness. The good relationship was mostly in my mind.
I've had two kinds of experiences. With one of my addict exes, I was able to let go (after way too long, it must be said). Now my desire to get back together with him is zero. The good times just weren't ever that good. But with another one, I'm just like an alcoholic. One exposure and it's like the addiction never stopped. The craving is overwhelming. If I turn my attention to other things, I get along pretty well. My life is unquestionably saner and happier without him. I would never want to go through that prolonged misery again. But if I have even a small bit of contact, whoosh, I am back at square one. Craving, craving, craving. Telling myself I could make it work this time. Feeling like my life is empty without him. Forgetting all the misery. Hoping against hope. I think it's like an alcoholic going back into a bar. That feeling of "I bet I could handle it this time and make it work." I tried that more times than I can count. It ended just the way you'd predict, every single time. And I'll be honest, if he called up and said, "Come back" today, I'd have to get my friends together to talk me down, because otherwise I'd be over there in a flash. There's a reason addicts have to be careful not to expose themselves to their drug.
For me that craving is a bad sign. Real healthy love is not full of craving and drama and yearning. It's secure and peaceful. The craving means I'm heading toward a relapse. I start to believe what my addiction is telling me. But if I want a genuine healthy relationship (and I do! so much!), the worst bet in the world is someone whom I already know to be unstable, volatile, and addiction-prone, plus he has a strong history of triggering my own addiction. That's more a recipe for more of the same disaster than a blueprint for healthy love.
Wow Mattie, that was an awesome post, i can't think of anything to add, how similar all our experiences are and your description of our addiction to them is spot on. Great share.
He's doing well for 3 months now. That is a very short time considering he had a pretty low bottom. His doing well is also contingent upon you no longer enabling him and pressing those charges that you did. To consider him on any kind of solid footing, I would say he needs to be clean and sober for at least a couple of years. I can understand it's like he's so much closer to the person you married, but the recovery program is not solid...it can't be after just 3 months. There's no rush. Sounds like both of you are growing in positive ways even if you miss things about him and the way things were. If it's your HP's will, you will know later on. More will be revealed...as they say.
I so relate to Mattie's share with my exAH just one phone call and all his promises of getting sober and trying to keep me open to the idea of us in the future. Truth is I have to keep myself from getting caught up in it. We have kids so I can't just never talk to him again, it would be far easier. I will always love him after 17 years, but I hope to not always have this addiction to him and all that could have been if only........ blah blah blah. I am so glad for Al-anon and all the information and tools that come with this program so I can take care of myself and stop living in the fantasies although I do glance back from time to time, I am more in the now than ever before. Sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
thanks for sharing that. I know in Al-anon we find ways to be happy and content whether the alcoholic is drinking or not (or using as the case may be). But sometimes it doesn't always work out and obviously its not just the using, its all the unmanageability that goes along with it. I don't have this specific situation in my life but I have similar ones with family and friends in different 12 step programs. my heart breaks when I read shares like this. I wish I had something witty or magical to say but the others pretty much covered it. and you can have a hug from me too
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
I am five years out from leaving a relationship with an alcoholic/addict. I think it takes a long time to recover. I do not think it is an indication that I made the wrong decision. Traumatic bonding can seem like a kind of romantic love. Indeed there are lots of romantic stories about rescuing and finding solace after an alcoholic has crashed. For so many of us, me included it is very hard to let go and allow a recovering alcoholic to recover for some time before thinking of reuniting with them. I am so grateful that I was active on this board when I finally left the alcoholic. I had people around me who challenged my mixed feelings, my need to rescue and my overwhelming sense of responsibility around the alcoholic. After five years I am still uncovering all the signs that were so clear at the beginning of my relationship with the alcoholic that I could not see. I can see so clearly now that the alcoholic was indeed very very adept at seducing, hiding and minimizing his problems. I saw only what I wanted to see and really went out of my way not to look at the reality of what our relationship was. I know that dating some people since I left the ex A has not been easy. At the same time I certainly have my eyes open. When I do see signs that someone is incompatible I don't gloss over it, minimize it and I certainly know my limits.
As long as I was absolutely committed to the alcoholic I had no sense of self presevation. I also had no idea where I ended and he began. I felt his needs were far far more important than my own.
Great thread and I just love the responses including Maresie's which is soooo rational to me. I wasn't rational regarding the disease and my part in it for a long time. I also give huge gratitude to the program and it's commitment to hang with me and allow me to hang with it...sitting, listening, asking for help and watching me practice and offering corrective feedback.
One of the most important things I learned was to put the responsibility for my situation squarely on my own shoulders. The responsiblility was mine, good, bad or indifferent...it's not about blame in any way and about responsible inventory and change. When I leaned that my situation was a consequence due to how I thought or didn't think and how I arrived at choices with or without aims or goals I was mortified and defiant and defensive and in denial and willing to do what ever it took to change.
One year later I was just a smidgen furthur on and kept making some of the same mistakes with my old thinking and habits of behavior and I stay with and in the program. It gets better and I feel more certain that I can pause and inventory my new situations along with my thoughts, feelings, spirit and behaviors before making old choices that never worked.
