The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am 45 and am starting to deal with the fact that I have never ever had a truly healthy relationship. From the time I was 15 I have only chosen men who didn't want me for anything other than sex, who physically abused me, we're drug addicts or alcoholics, who cheated on me and who were emotionally unavailable. The biggest joke is that I ended up marrying a guy that was all those things wrapped up in one guy. Sad part is when he wasn't being awful he really was my soul mate, we were both damaged people who had found one another. I truly thought we could beat the odds and find happiness, problem was my love for him wasn't enough to "fix" him. We never had children and in ways I am glad about that as he was never going to be healthy enough to be a good a father but another part of me is angry because I once again feel deprived of something I can't have and will never have now.
I know I need to address why I have had this pattern my whole life, the fear of not being good enough and living my life out alone is almost unbearable. Not really looking for advice but these are things I have never admitted to anyone, I guess I just felt like putting it down on paper might be the start of letting go of all this baggage I carry with me daily, no wonder I'm tired I am carrying around 30 years of failure on my back. Perhaps it is time to finally set it down. Thanks for letting me share. TS
I can relate to the unhealthy relationships and being with men who objectified me, because this is what I learned when I was young. I now know better and with Al-anon tools I am making the changes I can and that is me and my thinking. Letting go of the baggage or as I call it the old dead carcasses that have been weighing me down for far too long, is so freeing. When I realized my responsibility lies within my hoola hoop, meaning just me, my behavior, my words and actions it was so nice not to have to worry about fixing or being responsible for any other grown person. Working my program has been so helpful to let go of the dreams of old and make new dreams, healthier dreams and hobbies and to have the energy to put into these things. Nothing was holding me back all these years except myself and when I realized that and got out of my way, HP has led the way for me to get back to school. I can no longer blame my A's for all the things I wanted to achieve, because I am still breathing and now getting healthy. I am glad you are aware of the baggage and have the growth to see how freeing it may be to actually let it go. Sending you so much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Aloha Trudy...I loved what Tom said...it echo'ed my own past sponsor who I just love to remember along with the other sponsorship I had. Yesterdays a memory, Tomorrow isn't here yet and all I have is the time I am standing in; let me find something to smile about. Sis you can restart your life and your day about anytime you want. It was best for me to start it with the fellowship around me because they had already done the changes and had the experiences I needed. "You did the best with what you knew then"...that is very very true and it isn't followed by a "but". There are no "buts" only "ands"....I did the best I could with what I knew then "and" I will do better tomorrow.
Celebrate the stuff you did well. You also made good choices...it's impossible for everything you did to be a failure...celebrate the good stuff. There is nothing that is perfect...all we are is about progression.
I really like - it is neither good or bad, it simply is. I love that phrase - it simply is. It is so MATTER OF FACT.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I could have written that myself about 5 years ago. That is exactly how I felt at the time. I never planned on kids since I am gay...but aside from that, I did feel like I wasn't good enough for a healthy person. I was terrified of being alone. The prospect of doing all this work on myself was scary because I didn't want to get comfortable being alone. I thought that would turn me into an old bitter gay loner (which there are plenty of by the way). Of course, it would seem that if you end the relationship, you don't need alanon as bad, but the truth is now is the time to totally pour yourself into recovery so that you will be healthy and so will your future relationships.
I never dreamed I would recover and have a healthy relationship like I do now. I even question being foster parent. I thought those doors were closed. I thought I was too broken to be fixed. Unfortunately, you are going to have to sit with these yucky feelings for a while and just go through them. I know you weren't looking for suggestion and I won't share any except to keep coming back to alanon cuz it will be the light to pull you out of despair.
This too will pass. It seems cliche but it really will. You are never too old to heal, to have better relationships if you choose, and it will be quite some time before you are too old to make a difference in the life of a child if that is what you choose (whether through fostering or adoption).
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 13th of November 2012 09:19:52 AM
Just wanted to send you a big helping of support and love. I can totally relate to your post!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The ESH you have received is amazing!!! Sending you hugs and support.
For me, regarding the children factor, I know that there are and will continue to be children in my life, I just won't be the one giving birth to them.
Oh hugs, Trudy. I can feel your pain through your words and can actually very much relate. I used sex in college to get attention, to prove that I was worthy. What I was really proving was that I was worthy of being used, of being objectified. I didn't know any better. My own father objectified me and made sexual comments to me as a teen. He was VERY inappropriate.
A good friend of mine who is 2 years sober is now pregnant with her first child, she is 43. She never thought she'd marry a 'normie' let alone have children. My cousin who's 37 has never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months and has decided to shower her nephews with presents instead of having children herself. We all walk a different path. I used to get annoyed when people who had 2 children would ask me why I only had 1. I would think there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't meeting society's expectations of me. I mean, didn't everyone who has kids have at least 2, right? I felt I had to defend my reasoning for having just one child. I wasn't about to tell them that my husband was emotionally unstable and that there was no way in hell that I was going to bring a second child into the mess. Anyway, I have learned to find happiness with where God has placed me for today. I can't live in tomorrow and living in the past is helpful, but only to help me see where I am today and reveal what I need to change. I do not live in the past and beat myself up for my mistakes, because there have been too many and it's just plain old depressing. God gave you today, it truly is a gift. May you have a very blessed day today!
I remember one of my sponsors (I needed a few to help with all my baggage) used to say, Its like jumping into the lake with a big rock in your arms. You sink every time. So if you want to keep from drowning, let go of the damn rock. It has been my experience that the process of letting go begins with acknowledgement, talking it over with someone. And you just did that, so it looks like you're on the right path. big hug to you and stay close.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
I think the issue of comparisons is a difficult one. Certainly so many people really look good on the outside and in fact they are not happily married and they are not behaving in a loving manner. What we see is n't necessarily what they are behind closed doors. I do look at happy couples now but rather than think of what I missed out on I think that is what I want to aim for. I don't need the huge signs in the sky from someone that they love me anymore. Love is all action anyway. The ex A and many other men could always toss in the love word and I would melt at the mention of it.
As someone who grew up in violence, chaos, neglect and despair I cannot now say that I failed at anything in my adult life. After all I am still here, still breathing and most definitely committed to recovery on so many levels. The odds were always against me. There is no question I lived far more than any 9 lives, the situations I was in with a drunken driver, violent father, abusive family were enough to destroy anyone. I did not fail under any circumstances in fact I rose entirely above that mire of despair and wanted to recover. In so many ways my peers are dead, in prison or totally out there in acting out. The fact I persisted with therapy, a program (indeed it is very very hard for me to work a program because most of my life I trusted nothing) is commendable not something I should feel badly about. Anyone who can describe their issues, the roots of their issues and the lure of an alcoholic relationship so clearly, concisely and compassionately as you do is not a failure not by any means. Having what is defined as a healthy relationship, as such is no longer the be all and end all of my entire life. I think for me the joy of al anon is becoming undependent, self reliant and compassionate for myself. I am no longer envious of others for what they have and I don't. I no longer consider myself less than, hopeless and destined to be alone for ever. If I am alone that is absolutely fine by me it is far far better than the kind of life I put up with for most of my adult life.
