The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Your share reminds me the very reason why we do not give advise or cross talk at meetings. I am also reminded that any advise we give should be based on an al anon Tool, Reflection, Slogan or Step,
Before recovery I would do as your alanon friend did and plant fear, confusion and doubt in my friends. Alanon tools permitted me to Listen to a situation with an open mind and then offer a positive tool to help the member find the solution that works for her.
Just remember we are all here because we are not all there.
You did fine and thanks for being here and sharing the journey with honesty and clarity
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 12th of November 2012 04:10:34 PM
Truth be known I can be just as dysfunctional and with crazy behavior as I was at the very first alanon meeting I attended. I was reminded of this last night when all this garbage with the stbax started coming down.
The thing that always shocks me is that other women who are older than I am feeling as if I am entitled to something I shouldn't ask for, such as .. I'm having car trouble my stbax lives 6 miles from my house works 1 1/2 miles (less than that from the kids school) and yet he shouldn't have to take the kids to school one time out of over 60 days enrolled in school. I'm being told well .. it is a lot to ask. Seriously? WOW .. it's a lot to ask that the father of my children be available not to me .. to them. I wasn't asking for a ride to the local salon for a mani and a pedicure. Because i had the nerve to ask .. I was threatened with verbal vomit. It's ok for him to say those things. I know that part doesn't matter because it's the addict talking.
I'm focused on my own unacceptable behavior and remembering I don't have to accept other people's unacceptable behavior either. I was informed last night that I should be concerned if he's drinking when he has the kids.
Politely reminded my alanon friend that I cannot fix, manage and control someone else and that the God of my understanding will present this information when I need to know. Do I suspect he is drinking? Yes, can I do anything to control it? No. Can I give my children the tools to know what to do if they think he's been drinking? Yes. That's all I can do. How miserable would I be if I sat at home everytime my children were with their dad worrying if he was drinking or not? How unfair of a program person to suggest that is what I should be doing or suggest that I can even control it. I did in a kind thoughtful way point that out as well. It IS my weekend without the kids they know what to do if anything along that lines happens and they know they can always reach me .. outside of that .. I can't spin my wheels worrying about what the addict is or is not doing.
In my own failings as a human being I can remember that I'm sure I've spouted something similar in a different situation and that I'm not always 100% ok .. I'm usually only running at about 30% and that's a good day .. LOl .. because i"m not perfect. That's soooo ok .. I shouldn't be perfect I should be the best person I can be on any given day.
I can only do two things in my daily life which is ask the God of my understanding to help me be the best person I can be for that given day, and to ask to be of service to someone in need however small or big that may be. Most days it's something as simple as a smile and hello. If that's what God calls me to do then that's my job for that day.
Anyway, I feel a lot better today thank you all so much for the support and reminding me that I don't have to accept anyone else's unacceptable behavior including my own. Yes, .. LOL .. I managed to get through the morning without being the top story on CNN!! At least I'd be more interesting than politics .. LOL!
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have often heard comments at meetings that were totally off the steps, slogans and tools of our ALANON program. Especially on the control issue. I heard one lady keep saying she can't control the alcoholic and didn't cause him to drink (and we would all nod our heads and agree) and then she would go on to say "but I sure can make him thirsty." Huh? Isn't that saying that you think you have some control?
Pushka, you did a great job turning it back to step one and reminding her that you were immersed in the program. You don't want to go back to the fear and confusion you had in your head before you gave it all up to your HP.
My sponsor had to remind me who I was sitting in the rooms with and where they came from before I took anything personal. How true without exception; then he taught me the slogan "Don't React"!!. ((((hugs))))
I think its pretty common for a active alcoholic to make a song and dance about any request. I know I hit my head against the wall all the time with the now ex A for basically very very small things. He would balk at any of them. In fact he had plenty of people around him who would always back him up that I was being demanding and over reactive. Whatever I did was over reactive. Whatever he did was perfectly normal. When one of his friends came into the house, shook me awake when I was sleeping and I objected I was over reacting. After all how dare I sleep when he needed something!
I think it is pretty normal to be in the mode of justifying your request. I also think its pretty normal to be upset and angry at the alcoholics total lack of responsibility and those people around him who absolutely support the notion of irresponsibility.
When I am at the point of seeing an alcoholic for what they are it is the the place where I have no expectations of them. My expectations are where I get absolutely tied in knots and then of course my over reaction to whatever need they have for chaos does not help either. Every time I trip up I have to remind myself that plenty more of trod those paths ahead of me and no one is perfect. I think its like crossing a minefield. Do I set boundaries, yes, do I tolerate bad behavior nope. Do I expect them to be responsible nope. Someone who is hell bent on self destruction (which any alcoholic/addict is) is not going to welcome requests for totally reasonable assistance. In fact anything remotely normal is going to upset them because of course they could be normal, responsible and caring people if they wanted recovery on some level.
Engaging with any alcoholic/dysfunctional person is very difficult. I think it can be a battle to get needs heard. At the same time when you see the objection coming you can shoot it down rather than be floored by their persistence. At work and in other situations I know keep my needs very close to my self I don't put those needs out there to be shot down anymore. At the same time I absolutely expect certain people to object, try to divert and diminish my needs and requests. I see this issue as expectations, what are they, what can I do to make them realistic and how can I deal with my disappointment and resentment if they are not met. An alcoholic is going to be an alcoholic, they thrive on chaos, diversion and irresponsibility. I have to work pretty hard to not let their chaos, minimization and diversions throw me off track. I do know it is possible to negotiate with someone like that but above all I absolutely expect them to be absolutely livid that I feel I have the right to any needs in the first place. After all a true codependent doesn't feel worthy of having any around an alcoholic.
