telling the landlord???? - Al-Anon Family Group

HoofnIt · Veteran Member

telling the landlord????

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
what to tell..... what to tell....

The other night I had to talk with my 32 yr. old daughter who was staying with us for a couple of weeks with her 2 children. (getting away from Sandy). She was questioning why her dad was doing what he was doing and saying what he was saying. I explained to her that there are 3 drugs that he has that I don't know when he takes them but they keep getting refilled, so I know they are being used. Those 3 drugs all have the warning on them "do not operate heavy machinery, etc......" I know they alter his mind. That is why he takes them. So I told her not to pay him any attention when he is stupid and don't clean up after him either.

So for you...... you really don't have to say a word unless she asks you. Then you can tell her whatever you want. But don't come home and start to clean up so she won't find out either. Let him face his own consequences. Now, the bushhog scares me. He could get seriously hurt, but again, I know the guys who operate them really know their stuff and if he has been using it for many years he knows how to handle it....even when drunk. But it is HER equipment so she could be sued by him if he got hurt using it. She may want to take that away from him to protect herself financially.

Don't clean up the porch. Don't move his drunk body. Let him make crazy talk to her. Let him have the consequences of his actions. If she wants to talk to you after that, you can say whatever you want.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs HNI,

I share very little with my landlords only because they live next door and honestly I don't trust them. I would let go and let God about it. I chose to wait until I had to tell them because it really was none of their business and I didn't know how they would react to us getting divorced. Ironically 8 months later she got served with papers, so she is very sympathetic to my current situation and her sort of ex wants me out. She does not and at some point I'm sure I will have to move .. I don't have to worry about that today. So really it was in my own best interests not to share information until necessary. When I do I still temper what I share because I do not want things getting back to my STBAX.

Hugs P :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Usually Al-Anon advises not to cause crises and not to stand in their way. It sounds as if, if you stopped hiding the evidence and just left your BF as he is -- drinking or lying on the porch or lawn or whatever -- your landlord would get the picture pretty quickly.

If he started yelling at her or insulting her because he was drunk, my guess is that it's not what he said specifically that she would object to. I think what she'd object to is that there's a guy renting her property who gets drunk enough to yell or insult her. Whether he means what he says is small change compared to the fact that he goes out of control. And what he does may be disrepectful -- it probably is. What would you expect her to be doing about it? My guess is that she might just keep out of his way, or she might (especially if multiple bad things happened) kick him out of her property. Which might well be the appropriate consequences.

Generally Al-Anon advises is to keep from getting between an alcoholic and his consequences. Trying to stop the consequences would be what we call "enabling."

Do you have a face-to-face meeting? Those can be very useful for helping us figure out how to deal with questions like these.

HoofnIt · Veteran Member

I guess i feel that telling her would be protecting myself. I dont want her to think that i approve of his behavior or that i participate in it. I have already told him my thoughts and feeling about him and the tractor and he still decided to drink while using it yesterday. I left for an hour and she had went out there to talk to him and gave him money for the diesel but i havent spoken to her so i dont know what she thought about it or if she even noticed.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with the ESH you have received and telling her will probably result in a very unsatisfying result of "so what do you want me to do with this information" from her. If I were a landlord and my renter just showed up to announce this out of the blue, I'd stand there blinking wondering what I'm supposed to do? I can't toss someone without good cause - and just being a drunk isn't enough. Now if he's causing damage or threatening people now I have cause.

And it won't protect you from anything. She either already knows (because as good as we might think we are at hiding something, people generally get suspicious of that hyper-vigilant behavior) or she will find out anyway.

But for now, the stress you are causing yourself running around ragged trying to stop the inevitable is crazy making. My suspicion if you dig beneath the "protect myself" thought is probably the relief of not having to be involved in crazy making. So just stop. It really is that simple, just stop and the inevitable will happen eventually and you can work on a more sane life. I hope you can attend Al Anon meetings and keep coming back, we all understand that life.

crazycatlady · Member

I appreciate the posts thus far on this topic which are filled with wisdom and juicy AlAnon goodness. I will say that when my AH was in the throes of his addiction, I invested tons of energy trying to hide it, make excuses, subtlety let others know that "I know" his behavior is not acceptable -- so I wouldnt look foolish. I was successful for a while, but finally the progression of his disease reached a point that I could not clean up his messes...they were so widespread! When I left him and immersed myself in my Al Anon, he was left sitting in his mess and as a result, he hit bottom (temporarily) and got sober in his own AA program. With that detachment from him I was able to see that my chasing and cleaning up his social messes actually prolonged his disease process and likely kept him from getting sober. It's so ironic that my attempts to fix, actually worsened the problem. Detachment was what helped him to feel his consequences....and make changes. We are back together now and he recently relapsed with a one night binge, but so far he seems to be using this slip as a way to regroup with his program. I catch myself doing the same forcing of solutions this time, but I thank you for your post as it reminds me to resume my deliberate attempts at detachment. Hugs to you! --crazycatlady

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe in the it is not my business. When did it ever help to get into their disease?

LLady may already know, we do not know how he will act with her, maybe he won't. What ifs could go on forever and not mean anything.

I learned one day at a time. Put it in Gods hands. Let go, let God.

There is nothing saying even if you told her she would care one way or the other. Many farmers drink all day long. Not everyone knows about it all as much as we do or cares.

I hope maybe you can take care of it if it is ever an issue. Learn to watch you more, make you happy, let that disease go.

love,debilyn

HoofnIt · Veteran Member

im thinking that i need to do something. I have let him have his beer and i have been leaving him alone. He come home from work today at 4pm already drinking. I was at the barn loading horses. I left him and took the horses where they had to go. come back he was walking down the road. I decided i didn't have to deal with him so i left and went to get my nails done seen a movie and got something to eat with a girlfriend. I come home at 10pm and he was passed out on the couch with an unloaded shot gun. went out side and found 4 shot gun shells on the porch in the direction of the other house. no matter what direction he points that gun he is shooting into open pasture that my horses are in or into a house. Now i'm just pissed!!! I can not deal with some one just idiotically playing with a gun while drinking!!!!!! I feel that i need to tell someone that might have some pull with him like maybe his sister or something. I just cant have that!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think it's necessary to tell a family member .. however .. are those shotguns registered and do you have to have them? I absolutely will tell you that no matter where I live after living with someone who collected guns and was abusive .. there is no way there would be guns in the house with someone who in any kind of addiction mode. Seriously .. they go or he would have to and yes that is a choice I would make. After the last incident my ex (first ex husband) wound up in jail and I left. His dad came in and took the guns for fear of what he would do.

I don't mean to should on you about this situation, ... what in the world is a family member going to do? No one else can control his addiction and what he choses to do. He can't even control himself when he's under the influence (that is not an excuse that is just a fact) .. where I have my own power is what is a deal breaker for me. That IS a deal breaker for me because everyones safety is at risk.

My STBAX mentioned to me he wanted to get a gun shortly before we split and it was a resounding NO .. for many reasons .. I don't know if he could have gotten a card or not in order to buy one. It doesn't matter .. no unregistered guns in the house.

Hugs P :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.