Hello Smiles,

Congratulations on speaking out. I am really impressed with how clearly you sum up your feelings  

In case it helps, I will try to explain some of my own experiences...

My AH and I have been married for thirty years, he has been drinking for twelve.  We do not have children, a decision that I sometimes regret although I certainly would not want to put any child through the madness of an alchoholic household.  Like you, I've taken up the majority of chores and workload.  I was happy to do so at the time but with hindsight I ended up being tired and irritable - not great in any marriage, let alone one fueled by alcohol!  I tried, fairly successfully, to get on with my own life, but with hindsight that is not what I needed and when AH's benhaviour went too far at a time when I was vulnerable I was seriously angry and resentful about it.

The very best advice for me was when someone suggested that I take care of myself first.  

It took me an age to figure out what that meant, during which time I painted my nails a different colour every day!  However I started to do things that I enjoyed (gifting myself quiet time, calling friends, signing up for courses, which meant that I came home happy).  Initially AH seemed pretty miffed about my jolliness and he pushed a few boundaries. When I did not react change started to happen in our relationship, including AH making genuine efforts to stop drinking.  It also meant that I was in a much stronger place to set out on my own if I wanted to.

When AH's tantrums and abuse became too damaging I had to leave.  It was not easy and it was unplanned but I did not like the way I was responding.  (BTW, after the protests died down I received more respect from AH for leaving than I ever did for a well cooked meal!) 

One of the most surprising aspects of all this is that I completely underestimated how my view of my husband would be undermined by so many bad memories and this is now getting in the way as we are coming out of the badlands and trying to reconcile. With hindsight I think that if I had not tried to be so 'strong' and had, instead, looked for a more equal balance in our relationship we would have (a) avoided a lot of hurt and (b) it would be a lot easier to forgive and forget now.

So my personal coping mechanisms over the years have been (and still are):

I value and protect my self respect.  

Meditation.  If something is troubling me I ask myself 'how am I with this?'  I find that my negative feelings receed quite a bit just by asking myself the question.

I give myself treats so that I don't fall into the trap of feeling angry or resentful - behaviour that does me no good at all.

At the end of each day I reflect on something positive by asking myself 'what are the three best things of the day?'  

Good luck with it all Smiles (what a beautiful name btw) and take wonderful care of yourself.  Do get in touch if you would like to.  BTW, I still get mighty pissed off sometimes so it does me good to scream and shout (but sadly not with AH in earshot yet!).  

PS  I have been to a couple of al-anon meetings in the past and there was so much love and support in the room, it really sustained me for a long time, wish I could do it more often.