The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'd be hurt too. I'm so sorry this happened. I know for me, it's hard enough to trust our fellows...
but I have the perspective this is all for the best, sometimes God does for me what I can't do for myself. I suggest showing up with an attitude of faith that this is best for you both. Thank her and wish her well.
I began al-anon with a double-winner (or twice-blessed) sponsor. After I moved to another state, I briefly had a temporary sponsor who only attended the one fellowship. During our time together, she had become unavailable, not for the same reasons as yours, but unavailable nonetheless. I was feeling abandoned and they told me to pray for a new sponsor. it took months but since the universe is always in full support, I did find someone and we connect sooo well. (she is also twice-blessed!) I was fearful of phoning the temporary sponsor to tell her I found someone new. My new sponsor gave me the best advice, she told me to write down all the GOOD stuff temp sponsor did for me. Seeing it on paper, I had a whole new perspective, and I was able to contact her and say THANK YOU and there are no hard feelings between us, we still see each other and its very nice. There's something magical about focusing on the good stuff (even though there was plenty of bad. but she did her best as we all do, and I still got some benefit.)
Take what you like ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 9th of November 2012 07:01:05 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I too had problems with a sposor years ago. Never heard from her.
I still don't know what I did that made her so cold to me.
My new sponsor (current one) says that she was dealing with some stuff not related to me.
She was stating alanon, and she when she was sponsoring me, she was sponsoring me, actually, in another program we were both in. When she started alanon, she completely quit the other program (the one we were both in), saying it was "toxic" (the group) and stopped returning my calls/calling me. At the last meeting she attended, I had noticed she was holding back tears and evaded me when I asked her if she was okay.
For many years, I was very very hurt, told myself I had really blown it with her (even though I did not know what I had done) and until my best friend offered to sponsor me in 2009, I had no sponsor cause I felt "unsponsorable". I felt like one of those "toxic" ppl in the group she had quit. Until my current sponsor (who sponsors me in alanon and in my other program) told me that was not true and that I could still be helped. My current also told me that her behavior at our last meeting should have given me a clue that it was *not* about me, it was about what *she* was going thru in her recovery.
I still miss her. But I gave her to the HP now.
Don't ever give up.
Sorry about this,
Allie
-- Edited by AllieinAlanon on Friday 9th of November 2012 08:15:27 PM
-- Edited by AllieinAlanon on Friday 9th of November 2012 08:17:08 PM
__________________
Alanon is about self-care, not caring for the alcoholic.
Well, I had posted on here last week that my sponsor got really upset with me after she referred me to attend some AA meetings to explore some of my own drinking patterns. I haven't heard back from her since that conversation in which she told me she was busy and didn't know what to do with me. I haven't reacted, haven't called her, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt. She has been with me, a friend and guide, for the last five months and now nothing. I have a committment at our meeting tomorrow and if she shows up it will be the first time I've seen her or spoken to her since her phone went click. I'm scared. If it weren't for my committment I'd avoid her and the meeting all together. I like this meeting, though. It's a small one-sometimes less than 10 ppl. I haven't shared with any of my alanon sisters because I do not wish to gossip, but I also need to find someone new to sponsor me who won't mind if I'm also attending AA. I think what I am looking for here are others' experiences with sponsor/sponsee relationships gone south and how you've dealt with it.
Love,
Chaya
Sooo sorry this happened and in a perfect world it sure wouldn't ever, it did and of course it hurts. It brings up all the old fears and so on. It's all ok. I have found just like Glad Lee says .. people come into my life for a very specific reason and whatever is going on with her is not personal against you. It's just where she is at and that's ok. Maybe you need to start a new leg of your journey with a different sponsor who can support you through the AA stuff.
So glad you are continuing to move forward instead of hiding in guilt, shame, fear or anger. This is such big growth!!
Big Hugs,
P :)
PS - If you listen to some of the old timers you will find those with open arms for people who are double winners or exploring that side of themselves. Keep an open mind because you never know who you will find with those open arms :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
(((HUGS)))) Chaya - sorry to hear about this. I'm sure it's scary and it hurts. God always loves you completely, and has you exactly where you are suppose to be. Loved some of the words and replies in this thread already... so nothing more I can really ad but support and prayers.... Tasha
She didn't attend the meeting this morning. I sent along a text to say hello and that I hope she is well and was missed at the meeting. I had the intention of reaching out with love to replace the fear and hurt. Her response to me showed that whatever occurred for her in the process of me sharing about my drinking is still impacting what little relationship is there. I would like to simply write a card to send to her in gratitude of how she was there for me and to thank her for her guidance. I don't want to be passive and feel like I'm being avoidant by sending a card, but it looks like there is an obstacle to our communication at this point and I would like some closure and to move forward.
I wanted to share Chaya that there was a LOT of eyeball rolling when I decided to start attending open AA meetings for many various reasons some of which I am truly unaware of and I am grateful for that .. lol. It would have colored my involvement and because it's a small town these things happened a LONG time ago, grudges are still held. Progress not perfection. I'm very fortunate that God saw fit to use my involvement to open a new line of communication between AA and Alanon groups in this area.
The legitimate concern was that I would be taken advantage of .. I am still kind of vunerable to simple kindness and not big kindness we're talking about statements hey I like your hair down it looks really nice. So I have had to be very aware of being preyed (there are men who seek out vunerable women .. it happens and I'm sure the vise versa is true as well) upon, allowing myself to get sucked into something that really isn't very ok based upon simple kindess that we are all as basic human beings entitled too.
Whatever is going on ... I would encourage you to just let things lay after sending the card. She is communicating not well granted that she's not comfortable with what is going on and really this is soooo about her and her stuff and she needs to sort through it. Give it to the God of your understanding and give her to the God of her understanding and move on. It may take time and it may even take a lot of eyeball rolling .. lol .. God will find a way. I also recognize it's confusing, hurtful and maddening to feel that whatever part I played I didn't deserve the treatment I received and I tend to want to know from the other person what I did and how I can make it better. The comes a point and time a dead horse is a dead horse and beating it isn't going to bring it back to life.
i do not consider myself an alcoholic, those open meetings for me have been a very giantic gift and become a very special time for me. It's part of how I work my own program and take care of me.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
P, thank you for the feedback. Yes, I'd like to express my gratitude to her and then leave it be. I'd like to at least feel comfortable when we are at the same meetings. It's so weird right now...I know I belong in both programs but I feel like I belong in neither. It's so strange. What felt like home in alanon just a couple weeks ago seems a little different now. I love what both of these amazing programs have to offer as well as these boards. I am a bit list right now and i need all the support and guidance i can get. Love, Chaya
(((((Chaya)))))...your courage is growing...can you feel it? Can you feel the lessening of fear? The ODAAT daily reader has a bit of wisdom in one of its pages that says "Courage is fear that has said its prayers". When I was a youngster in the program I came to understand that if I didn't learn how to ask "Can you help me please?" and never back down from that I would get help and the program never failed me. Even when I asked those for help that seemed contentious I got help. Ex-sponsors are still program people and in the program for a reason...they all come from where we come from...we have those similarities and we all know that. I've had to detach and move off from sponsors at times for various reason and it rarely bothered me when I reminded myself where we all came from. I've never worshiped a sponsor and I've thanked God for evereyone I've had. Sponsoring me wasn't easy or a glowing task...I've had sponsors refuse me and I've had members turn me down and it wasn't as bad as living with the alcoholic/addict in the disease. Getting "no" from a member wasn't the same as a rejection by the alcoholic/addict or my alcoholic family. There always was hope because the membership is soooo wide. Keep on keeping on is an old slogan. In support ((((hugs))))
