I know this topic has come up many, many times here, but I'm hoping to re-visit it with your ESH, as I try to examine my own motives.

 

My AH has three DUIs.  Because now, he does most of his drinking at home after work (and he works until 11 p.m.), he is not in the environment he used to be in before we were together (going to bars after work every night, driving home intoxicated every night).  However, last Spring he had a bowling tournament on a Saturday.  I took our son to the bowling alley to cheer him on and meet some of his co-workers.  My AH was drinking, but did not seem drunk or impaired.  I left the bowling alley with our son with two frames left to play in the last game, agreeing to meet my AH at a nearby restaurant for dinner in a few minutes.  One hour later, he finally showed up, totally wasted.  When I called him on it, he totally freaked out on me right there in the restaurant, calling me names, all the usual BS, and then he stormed out to his truck and drove away.  

 

After that happened, I set a boundary for myself that if I ever again knew definitively that he was driving under the influence (and in our state, if you have 3 or more DUIs, the legal limit is 0.02 NOT 0.08--two beers would put him over the legal limit), that I would notify the police.  Since that day, it has not come up again.

 

I have put a few different "Plan B"s in place for dealing with him and his drinking.  One of them is that should he get another DUI, I would be in a much better position to file for divorce and get full custody of our son with minimal drama (whereas, if I just leave and file for full custody, I'm sure I would get it in the long run, but my AH would be a total nightmare and the process would be filled with all kinds of drama).  There are days/times when I actually want this man to get another DUI, so I will have an easier exit route.

 

Here is my issue.  My AH bowls after work every Wednesday with some of his co-workers.  Because they work til 11:00, they are usually bowling until sometime between 1:00 and 1:30 in the morning.  They bowl at a bar, and based on what I have seen at bowling tournaments and what I know of everybody involved, OF COURSE there is plenty of drinking going on.  The bowling alley is about a mile and a half from our home.  I know that is part of how my AH justifies driving home after bowling...because it's so close.

 

I have wondered recently if I should notify the police that there is a herd of drunk steelworkers leaving that bowling alley every Wednesday around 1:15 a.m., all drunk as skunks.  I don't *know* that anyone is driving drunk, though.  And the boundary I set for myself has always been very clear--notify the police when I know for a fact he is out there driving under the influence.  If I were to notify the police about the weekly bowling issue, well...I'm struggling with how much is me doing this is to protect other people on the roads, versus me trying to manipulate the situation?  And our community, while it's a suburb of a good-sized city, our town itself is pretty insular, and it's not very large.  I seriously doubt the cops are clueless about late night bowling leagues at bars.  Then again...ugh.

 

I know everyone's ESH on this issue is different, because there are so many different factors involved (for example, part of me wanted to set that boundary in a different place--that I would just give our police department a blanket notice that my AH is out there drinking and driving with 3 DUIs--but it is also hard to keep that kind of thing a secret in a smaller community, and I am trying hard to balance public safety versus my own safety/serenity, should my AH ever find out that I "ratted him out."  But I would really love to hear, again, how different people handle this issue, and your reasons for the boundaries that you've established.

Hi steph, your last post and your first are a lil' different. In your last post you mention the children being with him in the car... in that case, I personally would do whatever it takes to protect my kids, absolutely, because they are powerless to to it for themselves. God gave me the maternal instinct for a reason, I believe. I would have no problem whatsoever threatening an alcoholic, if they jeopardize the safety of my children, I will do whatever it takes to keep them safe.............

That wasn't really what I read in your first post though.

the first post looked more about revenge I believe, and I relate to feeling vengeful too. it is a sure sign that we are not in alignment with God's will but while I am in that state, it sure seems right to me, I have cooked up some delicious plans of revenge myself!

but you didn't act on it, that's the important thing, you brought it to the fellowship and I am applauding you for that!!! God gave us the steps, the tools, and this fellowship for this purpose, to help us get with His will.  we are powerless over our dis-eased and distorted thinking because we have been affected by alcoholism. but we are responsible for our behavior, so we examine our motives, and you did that, Yeaaaa for YOU! 

-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 9th of November 2012 12:19:48 PM

Oh, I could totally relate to this, wanting to force his bottom or force something(anything) to happen to him so that maybe he'll wake up and realize what the heck he's doing to us.

I do have to agree with everyone here, though, and ask what your motives are. I have always told my AH that I would report him for another DUI, IF(only, IF) I know he's drinking and driving for sure. I know it's the right thing to do because there are innocent people out there driving on the roads with him. But, the plotting and planning and as Pushka said, the dark fantasy stuff, I don't think I'd go that far. But, man, there are times that I wish I could, LOL!

I have had a fantasy of calling the rental car companies that AH rents from while on work travel and telling them that AH is renting illegally and that he drinks while traveling, as well. He puts us, as a family, at risk every time he does that and it really steams me. But, I do what Betty said above, I let go and let God. And, I check my motivation for that thought. Am I retaliating, where is my heart, can I really be at peace if I did something subversive like that? Probably not. Hugs, girl, you've had a tough few weeks. Keep coming back, do some Al Anon reading, call a sponsor or friend, get to a meeting. I know I need one badly this week, LOL!

Thanks so much, as always, for the ESH everyone. One thing I am learning as I progress in my recovery is that more and more, when I have to really sit back and examine my motives very carefully, it almost always means my motives aren't in line with my recovery. Early in my recovery, there were plenty of times when deep introspection about my motives validated the action I was considering. Now...when I'm unsure, or questioning...it usually means I'm off track. One gift recovery has given me is that my instincts and gut feelings are much more reliable. The fact that I was so conflicted about this should have been my first sign that I was engaging in toxic thinking and unhealthy obsessing.

The thing about the legal system is less that I am worried about my AH actually prevailing in a divorce regarding custody. It's more that in our country, anybody can pretty much sue anyone for anything, and make whatever claim they want. It doesn't make the claims true, or warranted, and we have to hope that eventually the system will resolve everything the way it is supposed to be resolved. But you still have to go through the gut-wrenching process of the fight itself. And when you're talking about money, or stuff, it's not such a big deal. But when you're talking about children...I think my anxiety about that (the process, not the outcome), is very legitimate. I absolutely understand and agree that it is unhealthy to sit around and obsess about what may or may not happen in the future when I DO file for divorce. But it is also important for me to be aware of the kinds of behavior I can likely expect, because it doesn't just affect me, but my three children. I am trying very hard to turn all of this over to my HP, but it is hard, and I am struggling with it. It has gotten easier for me to turn my AH over to his HP, and to turn my own life over to my HP, but it is much harder for me to do that with respect to my children.