The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Alcoholism is a disease that is cunning and powerful . Some of the many symptoms of this disease are: Manipulation, lying, anger, resentment, self pity, fear, grandiose behavior, drinking, and DENIAL to name a few.
Living with this disease causes many of us to deveolp secondary symptoms that are very much like the alcoholic. Since we are powerless over this disease in others we need to find a recovery program for ourselves.
You ask what should someone due to deal with the manipulation? I would suggest checking out the alanon face to face meetings in your community and attending You will find the main number in the white pages.
Breaking the isolation and learning new tools to live by really helps us to know how to respond in these situations
Walk away, tell them to stop then walk away, leave the area, ignore - regarding the remarks. They like getting a rise. A simple "I'm not going to listen to that" and leaving and ignoring will get the point across pretty quickly.
It is the same reason the mean bully kid acts the way they do at school. It is because they are broken on the inside and rather than focus on that, they numb it with alcohol and turn the anger at themselves onto you. There are multiple choices you can make in response to this alcoholic behavior. You can walk away, ignore, confront at a later time, or you can end relationships over it. Personally, I have reached a point in life where I won't make excuses for being treated poorly. I don't care if someone is drunk or an alcoholic. If they mistreat me, I'm not having dealings with them in the future. If it was my spouse it would be more complicated. I like to think that will never happen to me again (and with my current partner it does seem unlikely), but I know I would walk away from that situation too because I've done it before. I've started over lot's of times after break ups. The only good thing to come out of me having so many screwy relationships is that I know I will eventually be okay after the relationships end.
There are probably a thousand answers to your (somewhat rhetorical) question, of why active A's are manipulative.....
My best guess is that they manipulate and cause chaos, so that they can keep us stuck in their disease with them, and it allows them to remain there..... Many recovering A's will tell you that - during the depth of their using - they feared sobriety even more than they feared staying drunk......
My wise old sponsor used to encourage me to focus on the whats, and not the whys (as the whys will drive us crazy). The best way to test this is to ask yourself the question - "if I knew the answer to my question, would it really change anything?"
The "what" in your situation, is that your A is manipulative.
We have a great old saying around these parts - "your A is either gonna drink (or use, or manipulate, etc) or he's not... what are YOU gonna do?"
Choose recovery for YOU, regardless of what/why your A is choosing to do
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think the A's manipulate because they thrive on control and power~they want to put us down so they feel lifted up. They don't want to look at themselves so they belittle us. Archie Bunker put everyone down but he felt like a nothing underneath it all-no self, no confidence, no pride. It's very sick to control others-it's not a healthy way to live your life. Lyne
