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I'm new to this. I'm looking for some assistance on how to help my 9 year old daughter. Her father has been in recovery for approx 2 years (although I believe he is using marjiuana). He is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. He frequently over-reacts which results in our daughter suffering. We have been divorced for 7 years and have joint custody. How do I explain her father's bad behavior?
Hi Niki, and welcome to MIP... that's always a tough one, with someone so young, but my wise old sponsor taught me to NOT try to define/defend/rationalize my A's relationship with my children, and taught me, over and over again - to keep it to my own relationship with them.... So my kids heard, about a million and one times "I'm sorry, and I don't really know why your Mom is doing 'x', but what I DO know, is that you are loved, and you are safe". Within reason, you can give your daughter enough information that she can process - ie. explaining that her Daddy is 'sick', but beyond that - I don't think it's really up to you....
Al-Anon used to publish a great book for kids entitled "What's Drunk, Mama?", and it is no longer in production, but you can still find old copies on e-bay, Amazon, etc...
Hope that helps
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aloha Niki...welcome to the board keep coming back and reading. Kids need to know what behaviors are acceptable and what one aren't. They get to build good, viable value systems that way. Stay with helping her define acceptable/non-acceptable behaviors and let her also know that sometimes...not all the time...people we love do absolutely unacceptable things and that we learn to have choices as to what we do with it...forgive, have compassion, don't judge the person, judge the behavior, speak up for ourselves and talk to our own thoughts and feelings about it, create a safe self environment if the words become harmful actions, don't do the hateful behaviors ourselves for the same reasons we don't want to be treated that way.
A nine year old will learn fast...and also let her express her thoughts and feelings with you..encourage her with it.
Keep coming back here for ESH.
(((((HUGS)))))
from a former therapist who use to work with kids too.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 7th of November 2012 05:35:53 PM
Thank you for the helpful words. I will continue to talk with my daughter about acceptable behaviors. She seems to understand. She doesn't discuss her feelings much though but I'm working on it.
Body language is the larger part of communications...Watch her body and let it tell you how shes feeling and doing. You can identify...similarities of what she is going thru with what you've gone thru. The only difference twix you and her after all is age...time. Listen to her body, congradulate her understanding and affirm it and permit her to teach you by listening. Humility is about being teachable and I have found that children know more about what I have long forgotten and need to remember. ((((Niki))))
