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Life has had so many changes since my exAF moved away July 16th. I was doing so well. But, last week during the big Hurricane on the East Coast, I started to worry about my exAF. He lives on the Jersey Shore now. We have had only a few texts the entire time he has been gone, no phone or email conversations, and a short IM conversation in Sept. Out of the blue he called me during the storm last Monday night, it was like he knew I was thinking about him. He was very scared and hadn't evacuated like he should have. And he was drunk.. He left here, got sober on July 17th, and had just over 90 days. We had a decent conversation, and in that conversation he started to pull at my heart-strings and told me he screwed up, misses me and wants to come home. I didn't agree, but I did listen. I said something like, I am not stopping you from living in California, you can live here in sober living and we can date. (Ugh...! What is wrong with me?) Anyway, during the storm he lost power and had to go. He said he would call back, but didn't until Sunday, 6 days later. He didn't have cell service until Sunday. He called me on Sunday and then he called me this morning. He is on his way to a 30 day inpatient program right now. Thank God for that. But, when we were talking this morning he told me his "neighbor Yvonne" is going to take him to rehab. I got a sense, that Yvonne is more than a neighbor, apparently she went to get him some underwear and stuff for his bag. So, my jealous self kicks in and I got my feelings hurt. He is telling me he wants me, misses me, and then there is a woman that he is with helping him do exactly what I did so many times! She is taking care of his drunk ass, and going to get him help! So, while we are talking he suddenly has to go, like someone showed up. He said he would call me back, but doesn't. It's been a couple of hours and I wanted to wish him well before he checked in to rehab. So, I just called him to see if he was OK and wish him well in rehab. But, on the phone he is very short and won't really converse, totally different than he was 3 hours ago. I said, "Oh your girlfriend is there?" He said, "I can't talk, I have to go." Which really hurt me evern more! But, it's my fault! I put myself in that situation by calling him. I know that stove is hot and I keep touching it and getting burned. What is wrong with me? He just hung up on me! I sat here crying. I don't know why I started crying. He is not good for me, he is not sober, he only stayed sober 90 days after he left! And I am feeling like the one that got screwed here. Why does him being with another "enabler" bother me so much? Why am I jealous of someone that is doing what I did when I was more miserable than I have ever been in my life? What is wrong with the way my brain works. Why can't I think, "wow, thank you God for giving me the strength to stay away from him and to continue to stay away? Why can't I feel badly for "Yvonne" that she too will have to go through so much hell with his disease. Why am I hurt and jealous by this? What is wrong with me?
I went online to my cell service provider and I blocked his number from calls and texts. His FB is still blocked and I blocked his email. I can't risk having another conversation with him. I start missing him and everything gets all screwed up in my head.
Thanks for listening. I missed you all and obviously need to get back here and back to face 2 face meetings. This just proves to me that my disease is still brewing, and wanting more drama.
Katfshh
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I have touched the hot stove waaay more than I care to remember. But hey, we're not robots, we're human. we "get it" when we do, and that's all there is to it. I don't need to label it bad or weak, it just is. For me, it's not that I'm such a slow learner, but I am a fast forgetter. I had to be screaming in pain before I decided I had to practice something different.
You are in good company, my friend. Glad you're back ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thanks! I like what you said about being a fast forgetter. I think that is exactly it. Thank you. I hate that my mood is back where it was in July. But, it is what it is. I know ultimately, I make the right decisions even if I have to get a few extra bruises. Thank you. xxoo
Katfshh
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I'm pretty sure if you removed our gloves, most of us Al-Anoners would show those scars & blisters from touching that darn stove!!
For me, journalling was a big part of my answer.... writing out my thoughts - good and bad - each and every day, sure helped on the days where the emotions took over from the logical part of my brain, and helped me see things as they really were...
In the immortal words of my wise old sponsor: "it is neither good, nor bad, it simply is"
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
He set the hook, he reeled you in using ms underwear for bait. He's so predictable isn't he? Well, I've been caught that way too as so many of us have at one time or another. Good to see you cut the line and swam away. You're not his hostage anymore, kat. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
He set the hook, he reeled you in using ms underwear for bait. He's so predictable isn't he? Well, I've been caught that way too as so many of us have at one time or another. Good to see you cut the line and swam away. You're not his hostage anymore, kat. Hugs. TT
I let this happen once before in September. He caught me online and IM'd me and started out super sweet and then turned on me. I fell for it then. So, knowing that, I don't understand why I let it happen again? I guess since I was a little vunerable? I was glad he did OK through the storm, etc. Also, glad to hear he was going to rehab. I feel stupid. I know I'll be OK. I'm glad I saw it, and took measures, but honestly I'm sad again and I miss him. I don't want to miss him though,but I miss the sober him! But, that's a pipe dream. I don't want to give up hope on someone, but having that hope is way too risky for me.
Thank you so much for your support. Katfshh
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I'm pretty sure if you removed our gloves, most of us Al-Anoners would show those scars & blisters from touching that darn stove!!
For me, journalling was a big part of my answer.... writing out my thoughts - good and bad - each and every day, sure helped on the days where the emotions took over from the logical part of my brain, and helped me see things as they really were...
In the immortal words of my wise old sponsor: "it is neither good, nor bad, it simply is"
Take care
Tom
Thanks Tom.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Do you think maybe you are mourning the loss of your dreams again? I know I used to cry buckets, but it was that I was getting used to the fact that life had changed and it wasn't going to go back to my fantasy of "what might be". I'm also mourning the fact that I am so much smarter now and it hurts. Not seeing it is so comforting. I know too much now and it hurts me.....but it is better. I now live in reality. It is what it is.
The sober ex-A and the not sober one were the same person for me. I don't miss either. Just cuz he more capable of being nice when sober didn't excuse what he did drunk and eventually the two blended together. It took a long time for me to accept how really busted he was and how busted I was too. Alcohol was a symptom of the problems. Most alcoholics may seem sweet when they are sober, but they are often subconsciously scheming and looking for enablers. That's not something worth missing.
Katfshh