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It's been a while since I've posted here (over a year I think) - I'm much more active on various chatrooms, but I really need a space to be brutally honest about what's going on right now, as I haven't felt able to tell ANYONE what's going on with us since my A and I got engaged last week.
Background info - he's sober three years, we've been together for 2, I'm in al anon but not committed enough to my programme at all. We'd been doing great and working together well and I have been falling more and more in love with this wonderful, wonderful man. And then he asked me to marry him, and it all went tits up.
Things have only seemed to go downhill since we got engaged. It's got to the point where we now apparently have different opinions on EVERYTHING and we fight ALL THE TIME. Everything I say is wrong, or inconsiderate, or stupid, and he gets to swear blue murder in my face and call me nasty names (but it's all OK because we both know he doesn't mean it and he'll apologise later....)
It's got to the point that I'm wondering why on earth I've committed to spend the rest of my life with this man when all we seem to do is fight, and nasty fighting, too, not harmless fighting. It's like getting engaged was the trigger to LET EVERYTHING LOOSE and it doesn't matter is we hurt each other because we're stuck now, no-one's leaving, we're engaged!
I think I know what it all comes down to, though, and in a way I started it (getting really honest now). I have issues with sex - as in, in my opinion, for me, it's an unhealthy thing to do before marriage, and I'm not honouring my God, who I always want to put first (and he says he does too). We have slept together, and I've stopped it, and we've slept together, and I've stopped it, and now we're engaged it's hit me that I don't want to go down the aisle thinking that we've only got this far because I've slept with him. I want to know we can be together the way I want, and is better for my mental health, before we get married. So I've said no sex till we get married. He agreed, said he loved me, we could do this, but only after EXPLODING and calling me evil and stupid and spiteful and twisted and just trying to withhold sex to make him marry me sooner (we've also fought over wedding dates).
And now.. he has this pent up sexual energy that comes out in pure abuse of me. And he says it's my fault because I've made my stupid decision to stop sleeping together. I'm beginning to think I can't do this any more, and who is this crazy Jekyll/Hyde man I've found myself attached to? Where has my gentle and kind but often grumpy boyfriend gone?
I would suggest premarital counseling. You described taking some actions and making some choices "because you don't want him thinking....(x, y, z). Um...you really have no control over what he thinks. It would annoy me too if sex was being used as a way to have me "not think this" or "not think that." If it's just about your spiritual beliefs, keep it at that. It sounds like you love each other but have no clue as to how to have disagreements without offending each other and getting in full blown fights. He clearly disagrees with your decision to not have sex. He loves you and has a problem accepting that this is your decision and if he tries to talk you out of it or change your mind, that makes him 1) not as spiritually committed and/or 2) a sleazy desperate sex fiend. Both of those things are upsetting and unacceptable to him. Instead of just saying I disagree with you and going on from there, you are getting "I agree with you" and then actions that really show otherwise.
This will not be the first and only thing you disagree on. The larger issue is how to have disagreements and learn and grow from them. He is 3 years sober. He should be able to learn and grow in this relationship. I will tell you that even recovering alcoholics have very low frustration tolerances and when we (yes I am one) think that we are right...sometimes we go all out and go on attack mode. It's not right and it's not something you need to accept. Watch your boundaries and don't be so quick to say "my fault." It's a communication problem that falls on both of you. You each have a part in it.
I agree it certainly sounds as if it would be good that you are considering alanon face to face meetings. It was at these meetings I learned that I had a serious problem in communication and that I needed to learn how to say what I mean mean what I say and not say it mean.
I also needed to develop discernment and know what I wanted and needed in my life. Screaming and name calling is not something I would want to live with. I needed to learn not to participate in these battles as well.
Walking away, detaching, staying focused on the issues no name calling are all powerful tools I learned in alanon. They helped my communication skills and enabled me to share, listen, talk things over and reason things out with anyone including AA members.
Every relationship has conflict. The question is whether the people in it can negotiate their differences. It sounds as if you two have very different ideas about sex. It's a challenge to hear the other person out and not call the other person "wrong" for having a different view. His response to your decision is not very promising, in my book. From how you've explained it, I'm not sure the decision you made is optimum for healthy progress in your relationship, from what you said about your thoughts behind it. But it could have been the worst, most infuriating, craziest decision in the world, and if he were a healthy person, there would be healthy ways for him to disagree and respond to it. Because never mind about this decision, at some point you will make a bad decision, because everybody does. Everybody gets stuff wrong sometimes. Everybody doesn't see eye to eye sometimes. How does the relationship go when that happens? That's the real test.
In my experience, the period when you're engaged but not yet married is often a great honeymoon-type experience. The marriage itself has all kinds of challenges in a less romantic situation. In other words, it's going to get harder from here. Maybe some more recovery work on your part would help you see the way forward? And a good counselor could help straighten out some of these difficult things. I hope you'll take good care of yourself!
