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Im really needing some advice, I have been with my A for nearly 5 years now, we parted for 7 months when he became a dry drunk and I (didnt realize at the time, I was a sick as a dog too) but we are back together and both working our own program's and getting on better than we ever have, needless to say getting back with him means having to put up with his daughter every other weekend and I am trying so hard here, shes 12 years old, and very bossy, manipulative, rude, a right little madam, and everyone who comes into contact with her try and stay away, I dont know what to do, I have corrected hr when she butts in on adult conversations, I have asked her a thousand times to respect my home and my furniture, (she leaps onto my sofas like shes in a playground), she takes no notice of myself of her dad, and I have tried to speak with my partner countless times about her attidute and his back goes up straight away and makes excuses for her, Im trying my hardest not to dislike her, I have tried to ask her if things are ok, but shes just so rude, to everyone, I have prayed for her, asked my HP to take this resentment away, I do well untill i come into contact with her and she just grates on me, my partners family have even said they cant be around her, and they dont know how i put up with her, but they wont tell my parnter this, and I feel so terrible that I even feel like this, she has been like this ever since i first met her, she was nearly 8 years old and had a terrible attitude, and straight away I knew I was going to have nothing but trouble with her, I just dont know how to deal with my resentment towards her, I know I cannot change her, I know she is her own person in her own right, but I am pulling my hair out with her, she will be here this weekend coming and im dreading it, she caused massive arguments before between my self and my partner and I feel its all going to happen again,
as I said I feel awful about the way I feel and im sure some of you will be ashamed of me, I struggle hard every day just to live, and she makes things that bit harder,
does anyone have any step children stories that might be similar??
Poor kid is probably pretty miserable--hasn't had any boundaries and sounds pretty resentful herownself.
I have a couple of questions. Is this your house and your furniture and things? Since her father isn't interested in requiring any better behavior from her, have you considered inviting him to rent a hotel room or suite in which to entertain his daughter on his weekends?
Good luck. I am not ashamed of you.
Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
thank you for your reply, yes it is my home and my things as he moved in with me years ago, we spent the weekend at my partners sisters a few weekends ago and she has no respect for her house either, and my sis in law even had to pull her up when I asked her not to throw around the pillows from the sofa with her little brother, she totally ignored my request to calm things down and she continued jumping around on the sofas there too, her little brother stopped as soon as i asked, if this weekend coming goes as I expect it to I will have to say for my partner to have his kids elsewhere, it will hurt him i know but shes making me ill, she will walk into a room and butt in on our conversations asking us what we are talking about and I have to say ''sorry sweetie, this is grow up talk' if i don't get the chance to say that my partner tells her what we are talking about!!, as I say I feel awful for this anger towards this little girl, after all, she is only 12, but really testing my patience, I have 3 children (16, 4 and 2) and I break my back to make sure they have manners, to say please and thank you, to not be rude or ignorant to elders and to respect peoples homes when we visit, and she comes and totally disrupts everything, her dad, my partners says he doesn't see them often and doesn't want to be seen telling her off all the time, I just dont know how to approach my partner now as every time I have tried I get my words wrong and sound like im digging her out and being nasty about her, I understand she is his baby girl and will take offence to anyone saying a bad word against her, I will pray again tonight and every moment I can to try and seek a solution,
If your partner doesn't have the value system you do about how others should act in your home and is leaving the situation up to you I'd start making other arrangements. I use to reprimand and punish my step children just like I would my own under the same conditions and if my ex-wife went against my values and beliefs she would have to work her own magic somewhere else. Usually she would send the children off to their grandparents and then take off herself to get drunk, loaded and lost. In the end because there was little to no security and direction the children suffered horrors beyond my wildest dreams also which I was powerless over. 12 years old is just before the trauma and drama of the 13 year old when body chemicals all come crashing together to create some of the worst personality defects around. I know cause that happened to me and I was crazier than a coot because of it. When the testosteron and adrenalin plus the alcohol hit my brain I was a candidate for the firing squad only no one with a gun wanted to get that close to me. God chemical altering at its worse.
Does the child still have a mother she can be sent to and is that part of the problem?
thanks for your reply, been awake all night thinking about this, again!, its getting closer to Friday and the two step children will be here, (dread!!) they live with their mother, whom only speaks to me when it suits her, she talks to my partner like dirt, he was an active A when they were together and when he went into 'The Priory' (rehab) she threw him out, and ever since has treated him like an idiot, so I can see where the 'no respect' bit comes from, and now the mother is having trouble at home with her son, smashing his room up and being angry with her, now she wants to call my partner every day and night asking for advice, doesnt take the advice then crys down the phone because she cant cope with him, hes not like it at school, hes not like it here, I very rarely have to ask him to stop being naughty, in fact hes very helpful and loves his two baby sisters (my youngest 2) he cant get a word in edge ways here when his sister is here, and on his own hes a sweet little boy, helps me with housework and is a very loving little boy, I got a feeling at home his big sister is getting her own way all the time and bullying him and this is why he is lashing out at home, I have seen with my own eyes when he has tried to speak when he's here she will say 'shut up Jack, no one's interested!' and laugh at him, its breaking my heart and this is why my resentment is so strong towards her, I cant stand bullys!!! so I will keep praying my bottom off for help with this, and as I said this will be the last weekend I will put up with this child, something needs to be done. hope you are well Jerry, Take care sweetie xxxx
I see it as an additional branch of your program. Bottom line is this: you have boundaries and do not want them crossed. This is the same when dealing with the A and the step-child. Decide what your boundaries are with the child and before the weekend sit down in a non-confrontational way and talk to the A about his child. The difference is the A has to deal with the child issues. As cold as this might sound (and not intended to be this way at all) the child is HIS problem, just like alcohol is HIS problem. The question is, what are YOU gonna do? If he chooses not to deal with his problem (alcohol and/or child) then YOU need to decide what you will do for YOU.
I am a father of 2 step children myself. Both are grown now but we married when the daughter was 8 and son was 6. No biological father contact at all, but still had stepchild issues so I speak with somewhat of an understanding of stepchildren without the visitation aspect. I was also raised by my mother and stepfather. Good luck!
do you know what, you are so right, that is what i need to do, and i shall, it just has to be dealt with before I end up exploding, this is one thing i tend to do, put up with so much crap, because i dont want to upset or hurt anyone then go like a mad woman! thank you hunnie xxxx
I couldn't agree more with hdftby but would like to add that the boundaries are for YOU not your SO. You can't enforce his boundaries for him so if daughter is misbehaving to him and it's not affecting you, you have to detach. If she's breaking your boundaries, enforce with the consequences.
Also would be good to take step parenting classes because your role is not as clear cut and if you haven't had a child yourself (that's unclear to me) then you may mistake childish behavior (which needs teaching and encouraging) from misbehavior (needs boundaries/consequences).
I do have three children myself, 3 girls, one is 16 and very well behaved, always has been with a lot of work during her toddler years, lol, I am always getting complements on how pleasant she is, shes at college at present starting her training to be a vet, im am super proud of her, shes a very loving person and gets on with everyone she meets, apart from this step child, she tends to just try and stay away from her, then I have my 4 year old, she was a little monkey as a toddler and with the use of praising when good and consequences when not so good she has turned into a very sweet little girl, her school teacher says she is a joy, shes very kind and helpful to other pupils and adores all of her siblings, and I have now noticed when the step child has been around my daughter demands things instead of asking nicely and I only have to 'look' at my daughter and she stops, she is totally copying the step sisters behavior, but I remind my little girl to say things in a nice manner and 'please and thank you' comes back. then I have my toddler who is in the puppy stage lol, shes a little monkey and I am using the same parenting skills as i used with my first two daughters and we are slowly but surely getting there, I have tried to treat my step daughter as I would my own, and I get answers back, stropping off to another room and sulking, then when she knows im not very happy with her she will come and sit next to me and cuddle me, but doesn't take a bit of notice when i ask her not to do the things she did before she went off and sulked, then off she will go again and sulk, I ask her constantly if shes ok and that she can talk to me about anything and that I love her and her brother very much, her brother is very well behaved and I have never really had to correct his behavior, only on the odd occasion, and I expect that, and he always says sorry if he has been naughty, im far from the perfect parent, I make mistakes all the time, but i try my hardest to do my best, everyday is a struggle for me, but with the al anon tools I am picking up, things are getting easier day by day, I pray everyday and do quite well, then this little girl comes into my life every other weekend, and school holidays and i revert to a complete mess, I am going to speak to my partner today, hes working away in London till Friday and coming home with his two kids for the weekend, and im a wreck at the thought of her being here, so many emotions are running through me right now about her and the thought of talking to my partner about his daughter makes me want to hide under my duvet till the weekend is over, Its scaring me how she makes me feel, she intimidates everyone, her little brother is seeing a child therapist today because he is being really naughty for his mum, but hes an angel here and his school reports are fantastic, he is top in his class at most things, and when hes on his own he is funny, loving and a great kid, I feel his sister is the cause, as i said she is horrible to him and I dont think the mother takes any notice of this, she is all for the daughter, I have seen it with my own eyes, the boy gets left out, I can see when they are together here he's scared to open his mouth, I have to go and pray now cause im feeling like crap, all this is so negative, just need to have a quick chat with my HP, xxxxxx
