The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am here because reading these posts help me see that I am not alone. I really don't even know where to start.
I will start with where I am at today. I am lost. I have made so many decisions based on fear, fear of making my situation worse, fear of what the A might do if I cut off contact, fear of what he will say or do if he does drink again. I have lived in a cycle of reacting to the A's actions, instead of taking my own actions. I have given chances too many to count. I have been the supportive wife and kept the family intact to provide my AH with support. All this has done is made me feel worse. My pain is so deep I see no light. I have become a shell of what I used to be. I remember when I was able to see the positive in every situation no matter how small it may have been. I see no positive any more. I have no hope of ever being able to repair my family. I have given my AH so many chances and have believed all of the promises now broken that I am broken myself. The resentment and anger that I have towards my AH is at times unbearable. I catch myself treating him like a drunk when he is on his sober days. I have caught myself wanting to show him the pain he has caused me from his bad choices. I don't want to be like this. I want to be able to forgive and be a loving person again. My AH claims he has been sober (without a drink at all) for about 30-days. However, there have been a few times the past 30-days that his words and actions are the same as when he would drink. I have proven to myself over and over again, that my intuition has always been right. I spent the past two years believing that I must be crazy only to find out that my intuition was spot on. I would believe that he needed me to stay sober, that I was only adding to the battle he was fighting. To be honest, I can see my own wrongs. I feel horrible for some of the things I have said to my AH. The past couple months I have berated him to no end for what he has put our family through. He claims that he is human and humans make mistakes, but how many mistakes does one make, when it's those you care most about that you are hurting when you make mistakes. When he claims all he needs is his family (myself and our daughter) to beat his battle of addiction I have believed him and spend more time with him only to come home to him drinking again, and then the cycle repeats itself again. I am sooooo tired of my life being stuck in a circle pattern, tired of my life being on hold waiting for him to be sober long enough for us to start repairing our family and our marriage, tired of having the same argument over and over, tired of the past repeating itself. I worry every day that I'm going to get a call that he has hurt himself because the pain and guilt he feels is more than he can handle. I have held off filing for divorce because deep down I know he cares about me and our daughter more than he has ever cared or loved anything in his life, but at what price? Each time divorce is brought up, I am threatened with him committing suicide or he will drink himself to death. The thought of it stops me in my tracks, and he knows it.
Reading others posts on here gives me hope that I will be able to pull myself together again. I'm amazed the similarities in each situation....people are all different and situations are different, yet so similar.
You MUST get to an AlAnon meeting. Your situation demands that you are in control, not your alcoholic. AlAnon will be of great help to you in this difficult journey. One basic AlAnon thought that helped me tremendously in my own transformation...The 3 C's..you didn't cause it, you can't ocntrol it, you can't cure it...the most liberating words I ever heard. He is holding you hostage with his threats and the only way out of that vicious cycle is to empower yourself with the principles of AlAnon. The members that have gone before you on this path will be of iinvaluable help to you.
Trust yourself, trust your gut instincts...if you think he is drinking he most probably is.
You.... what you say or what you don't say, what you do or what you don't do..have absolutely NOTHING to do with his drinking.Every alcoholic everywhere plays the blame game....it's always, always somebody else's fault.
Hang in there..yes, it's a tough road, but others who have been in your same circumstances have walked through the fire and prevailed
I wish for you the power to reclaim your happy self, your own life to live....
I'm glad you have found us. I imagine we have all been in that place of chaos. Have you found a good face-to-face meeting? They say to try 6 because they're all different. I know so well that sense of being sucked into the chaos and insanity that is alcoholism. Desperately trying to control it all. But the great news is that we can make a big difference in the situation, by concentrating on our own recovery. It sounds as if you have a lot of awareness already. That's a painful position in the beginning -- when you start to see how very wrong things are, but you haven't yet got much momentum in the new life of serenity. But it gets better inch by inch. It is already better because you are here with us! And there is a way out. I hope you'll continue reading the threads here, find good meetings, get the literature, look out for a sponsor, start the steps. I look back now and can't believe how much strength I had just to endure what I was enduring. You have that strength too. And it's leading you to safety. I hope you'll keep coming back.
Thank you sooooo much for the positive feedback. It is greatly appreciated. I have attended a few al-anon meetings two years ago when I realized that I had a serious problem on my hands and I needed help to cope with what I was going through and protect my daughter from further damage. I find it easier to find a online forum as this way I am able to log on day or night to read others stories and gain hope that i'm not the only one dealing with this and i'm truly not alone in my battle. I will start looking for and attend some local al-anon meetings as well. In the meantime, I'm glad to be here. Thank you all again. :)
I'm glad you're here and I hope it inspires you to find an in person Alanon meeting and a loving sponsor in this program. You're right, the situation is definitely not unique. Many of us have experienced that push/pull relationship with active alcoholics. I began here but felt much stronger after attending meetings. I started to make friends in the program, phone calls and met my sponsor for coffee and to work the steps. Suddenly, I had backing in great numbers from people who really understood what I was going through and sanity started to return and even serenity. I hope you keep coming back to share recovery with us. Things can get better one day at a time. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Aloha Shadow and welcome to the board from Hawaii. You are qualified for MIP and For Al-Anon to while I have been a member for quite awhile...not only was I born into the disease on both sides of my family I also married addicted women. I was raised the "fixer" in my family the person to whom problems were handed which eventually I learned had no workable solutions from me for the others. There are many many things to learn in and from the face to face meetings of Al-Anon and one of them is that we are so like the alcoholic in thoughts, feelings and behaviors that it is scarey. We may not drink and we do obsess and are addicted to the alcoholic. They are addicted to the chemicals just as we are to them. That is our disease.
A major thing I learned in Al-Anon was to recognize that my wife was a fine woman and human being without the alcohol and with the alcohol was my alcoholic a completely different person and personality. I had to learn which one I was with at anyone time and then I had to learn how to fix myself regardless of what she was doing, when, where, how or why. She drank and used drugs and that is what alcoholic/addicts do...it isn't a moral issue; it is a life threatening disease. I learned as much about alcoholism so that I could come to understand where and how I could be helpful and then not. Being helpful in many cases were confusing to me. Learning such things as detaching from her and allowing her to "hit her bottom" had never been a thought or alternative behavior for me and then learning the 3c's made all the sense in the world why I would learn new alternatives to my alcoholic. I learned about the sick enabling behaviors and attitudes I had which made the disease become worse when I was trying my best to make things better and I came to understand that I didn't know about alcoholism and didn't even know that I didn't know. I got into the Al-Anon Family Groups and stayed because that is the only place where I could find sanity and understanding from others who knew exactly what I was going thru and why and how to rescue myself.
I can suggest what I did and what worked to you. I will not suggest anything I haven't done or some spontaneous thought about something I can only guess about. Alcoholism is a fatal disease and that fatal nature doesn't only mean it will happen to the alcoholic. I have heard and seen the disease work its fatal consequence on victims that didn't even drink with or without the alcoholic...men, woman and children. I am also a former alcoholism and substance abuse behavioral therapist. Been there and done that.
Welcome to the board...stay and visit often and find the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and get to the first face to face meeting you can...find your chair, sit down, listen with and open mind, get the literature, read, take the suggestions and practice, practice, practice. If he makes excuses about how he's gonna do it and they don't work...we also do the very same thing.
How many chances should we give? I don't know the right amount. When is enough, enough? I am facing these questions right now. She promised again tonight~she will change, she knows I'm right, she knows she is destroying herself and our marriage. I guess I'm making progress because I don't believe what she says anymore. I told her that her words and her behavior are completely different. I told her I'm tired of being treated with disrespect. And I really am. Lyne
I know it is so hard and so painful to see a loved one in addiction. You are doing the best you can, don't beat yourself up. It is natural to love your AH and hope things will get better. Al anon is so helpful in seeing what you can do to take care of you in the midst of the chaos that surrounds you. The thing that helps me the most is to see that nothing I do or say will help my A. It is their battle, it is their choice, it is their life. My A has even said to me, "there is nothing that you can say, I'm going to do what I want." Only my A can change himself, I cannot do anything but work on my recovery and learn what I do that not only enables my A, but continues to make my life unmanageable. I totally get how hard it is and how much pain there is witnessing addiction. I struggle everyday to remain positive and hopeful. I have hard days all the time, today is one of them. I do know that the only thing that gets me through is an Al anon meeting and my HP. It is hard to get to a meeting sometimes, but as hard as it is, it is always helpful. The members on here also help. Remember that loving and doing what is best for yourself is okay. It does not mean you are selfish. You matter.
