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I am fairly new to al-anon, I went to about six meetings over the course of the last two years (there are only two meetings a week in my small town). During that time (as I've mentioned on here before), I was an emotional wreck and cried nearly the whole time non-stop. It was really hard on me emotionally and it was hard to function at work when I let out all this emotion in a meeting. I also read the book "Getting them sober," which was enlightening but I think I still need to read it three times a day for it to sink in.
I was still in reactionary mode, still struggling with changing me. The others in Al-anon all seemed at an advanced stage than me and it didn't feel helpful at the time. I know I should try again, but I am still very angry, resentful, wanting out of my relationship, but still very co-dependent. I wanted to hear every last detail of their stories and what they did, but they were just talking about how they "changed." But I guess I wanted to know the details, and being the only newbie, I felt I was in a different place. No one offered to talk to me afterwards, no one offered of being a sponsor, and one guy that lead a lot of the meetings was a recovering alcoholic as well and seemed to "take over" all the meetings and do all the talking, and it was HIM, HIM, HIM. I was really glad when I went to a meeting and he was not there. I found a book that they had and bought it at one of the meetings, but it was not the 12 steps. I don't even know what the 12 steps are in al-anon. Maybe they are the same as the 12 steps in AA, if so, there are 10 pounds of 12 step books in my AH's closet that are collecting dust, lol.
So I come here when I can, because I hear people's stories and they help me, but I realize I need some one on one contact. We did both go to counselors, both together and apart and it never worked. The two counselors to me did not see the real problem (which I felt was addiction and how it was ensnaring the whole family), and instead both female counselors seemed to focus on his manipulative talk (he was and is still drinking) and to me, the counseling didn't do a darn bit of good. In fact, after his sessions with her (of which is is a very skilled and manipultive, charming liar), it seemed that she would confront me on things that he said in a session alone with her. I felt like I was the one being attacked. Even if I did need to change to deal with his alcoholism, that was not what the counselor was bringing up. It seemed that she didn't even notice that alcoholism was the major player in our family issues. We live in a small town and the only person who is an addict counselor was a woman who was so proud of him (he got a DUI 4 years ago and had to go to her for treatment) that she stood up for him at court and spoke highly of him and she had never done that before for anyone else.
So, I made the mistake over the last several years of burdening a few of my friends with my struggle with my AH alcoholism and our young children that are involved, and one just said she couldn't help me and could not be my friend anymore. That really, really hurt, especially since she has been to al-anon and has been to treatment for alcoholism in her family. So I don't know what it is I'm looking for. Just one person to care, I guess, to just listen. I feel like I sort things out when I can just talk to someone that cares. I am struggling with the fear of going back to al-anon and being rejected like I felt the first time, but I know I have to force myself. The trouble is, I'm tired. I want to give up. I'm not sure I love my AH anymore. I am thinking of myself and not him, that's why I want to leave. I want to be happy again.
So what triggered all this is that for the last five years, I've tried different things. At first I didn't have a clue; I would get mad, threaten for him to stop, count beer cans, etc, etc. Back in 2008, He finally got an excessive DUI and that changed the game for a while, he started going to AA, but never really stopped drinking for more than two months, even though he got a one year chip, etc; he was cheating and even leading meetings for over a year. It was such a seesaw, having him do well for a few weeks and then crappy the next.
So from what I learned in al-anon and books I read and on here, I did try the detachment. I stopped calling him when he didn't come home, I stopped counting beers. I even had a glass or two of wine when I wanted to. I stopped making him hide his alcohol. I didn't bug him about anything, even though he would start arguments when he was drunk, and when I engaged, it was a hurtful fight, often in front of the kids, but when I resisted and ignored him, he would still be angry and say that I was giving him the silent treatment. But I have to say, THIS DOES NOT WORK FOR ME. I don't know how others do it. We have two young children (under 6 yrs old). I have a good job, year round. We have a huge age difference (I'm the older one). He is from another country, and although he thinks he is American, he grew up with a totally different culture from Mexico. He works a physical job in the summer and gets laid off in the winter. The unemployment is such that it is better for him to stay on unemployment and watch our two kids and not pay for daycare. He CAN be a good dad, but most of the time I think he is a lazy, angry one who is detached and doesn't engage his kids. I resent sometimes that I can't be the one that stays home and gets to spend what I consider quality time with them. But my job is what holds it all together.
One child is now in school, so he only has to watch one while he is home, and it is also the mellower child. During this last winter when he was home with both kids, he broke his kneecap from a fall and had to have surgery. Luckily we have good insurance, and he was also lucky that he had a nice boss who ignored what happened off of work time and kept him on unemployment, otherwise we would have been SOL (cheating of course). Anyway, things were looking up again because having this injury made him immobile and he stopped drinking again for about a month. Then he started seeing a female therapist (he is a very attractive and charming person) who worked on his leg and she was married to someone much older and was having marital issues like we were. Needless to say, in a past post, I wrote that I found out they were emailing, texting, seeing each other in the bar, and went on a hike together of which he lied about and said he went alone. I even found out he told someone he was having an affair with her.
I kicked him out for a day and he weaseled his way back and assured me he did not have an affair and only went on a hike. But the lies are so thick that I know this is not true. He said he realized all our issues were the result of his drinking and vowed to go back to AA and stop. But it didn't. Meanwhile, I struggled with having him stay, since I told myself once I would not tolerate cheating. Sure, I didn't catch them in the act, but there was plenty of evidence. If the trust wasn't already destroyed in our family, then this was the home run that hit it out of the park. I told him that he should take her off his phone and off facebook, but that didn't happen. Instead he smashed his old phone in an angry drunken rage one night so that he could get a new phone that he could access with a password (I had his passwords because I had set up all his accounts for him orginially). So now he slept with his phone, had it protected, etc...but nothing changed.
He got a job with a different company this summer and it turned out the boss was a drug addict. What luck. A couple of times, the guy's addiction was so bad that he didn't get paid in time, twice. This didn't help since he is an "on edge" kind of person anyway and we have a lot of financial trouble. And at my work, I was trying to avoid the hiring of a known alcoholic from another location at my company, the other place was downsizing and they sent him to work for me. He is a functioning alcoholic who occasionally has binges and performance/attendance issues and now I'm his supervisor for the next ten years (when he is able to retire). This is a person who is in deep and will not stop drinking ever. His spouse is an alcoholic too, and now has cancer. He will need all sorts of time off work to attend to her, and I will be left holding the bag. I feel like such a doormat in every facet of my life. I need some positive thoughts sent my way.
AH and I have no family nearby and my family is 3,000 miles away with borderline alcoholics who don't understand and enable him when they are visiting. The friends that I do have are not close enough to watch my kids when I need a break, so he watches them, but I pay the price for it dearly. Our financial situation is in shambles because of the drinking and we will probably lose everything eventually (20K in CC debt), and I take away his cards all the time, but eventually he needs them back to put gas in his car, etc, and then $600 will be spent in one month. It is crazy.
The other day was supposed to be "my day" to have a day out with friends and I didn't come back until 9 pm. The kids were screaming and crying, he was drunk and had a loaded gun in the house from the neighbor (I made him sell all his guns--more issues there), and was showing me how to load it, etc; because he was going hunting the next day and I told him to get the gun away from me. He accused me of cheating and that I was not where I said I was (which I was and eventually he ran into a friend who told him so), and later his phone was unprotected again so I found out that he was still texting this woman, and although the message I saw was not very revealing, it was signed, "I will text you later xoxoxo." He had also been leaving for hours at a time with no explanation, and once said he went to a movie and I believed him, but it turned out he was either with this woman or at the bar. So I told him I knew all this and told him he needed to move out--for good, it was over. He came back apologizing of course and saying he will go to AA again and that if he is not sober in 2 weeks, I can kick him out. He still kept lying about the woman and saying that nothing has ever happened with her and that she has a signature on her texts that says "xoxoxox" to everybody. I am just shocked by the lies and overwhelmed by his sickness and its making me so sick. But I've allowed him another chance to come back, even though if he said tomorrow, "I'm in love with this other person" I would say, "fine, see you later, have a nice life."
I don't know if it's the way I grew up (surrounded by alcoholics and catholics) and the guilt I learned in church, but I have definite desire instilled in me to be the caretaker or co-dependent. I am not religious anymore and do not go to church and quite frankly don't even know if I believe in God anymore, so the religious part of Al-anon kind of bugs me sometimes, but deep down I do believe in some higher power, I just don't know what it is. I do believe that things happen for a reason, but this part of my life I am having a hard time wrapping my head around. He said if I kicked him out he would not be able to do it alone and he would drink more. And he is a powerful manipulator...he said that I did marry him "in sickness and in health" and what he has is a disease. It's not my problem, but because of our young children (who are starting to show signs of being affected by the active drinking in the house), it will be just as much of a struggle without him, but perhaps a more freeing and happy one. I don't know what direction to turn.
Minaret, I am so glad you are here with us. It sounds as if you're nearing hitting bottom. That feels terrible but the great thing is that it's only when we're desperate for change that we really begin to make it happen.
Alcoholism is isolating and being isolated with this craziness is just the worst. It sounds to me as if trying every form of support might be your next step. I'd guess a whole lot of us on these boards have had the experience of going to Al-Anon meetings and not relating. And then we stop going, and we only go back when things get a lot worse, and we go enough to get to know the people and the program, and then we really kick ourselves for not having gotten involved earlier. That's certainly my story.
I know it's extra frustrating when you're at your wit's end, and you want people just to say what to do. That's what I wanted -- what do I do if X happens, what do I do it if Y happens, how do I handle it. Where Al-Anon meetings are more about kind of absorbing the program rather than laying out a blueprint. Actually, being on these boards can help a lot to get a sense of the specifics of how people handle things. But I think the programs are right not to get into specifics, because everyone's situation is different, and there's no set of blueprints that could apply to people's individual situations.
You're under a special challenge because your A is so manipulative and persuasive. Mine was too, and the counselors all ended up being charmed by him. I think we went to see five over the years. My finding was that none of them understood about alcoholism. It is really kind of shocking in retrospect. One of the counselors was really good in other ways. But she just didn't understand how alcoholism works, so she believed his claims, she believed that I was making a big deal over nothing, etc. etc. It was worse than no counseling at all. So I am sad but not wholly surprised that you encountered the same ignorance. But a good counselor I saw later told me that most good counselors will refuse to take alcoholics unless they are maintaining a formal program of recovery at the same time. I think that's the experience of other people here too -- counseling goes nowhere unless the alcoholic has stopped drinking.
All of our counselors said that it was a conflict of interest to see one person alone sometimes, and then both people together. They said it was too tricky. Maybe some counselors pull it off well, but it doesn't sound like yours has.
I hope you will give meetings another try. There is nothing like a local face-to-face support system. It is easy to see what we don't have in common with people, but when we look deeper, we may find many more important things in common. In my experience, normally people don't offer to sponsor -- it's supposed to be your role to see who "has what you want" and ask that person. That way you don't feel pressured by someone who's not right for you. So please don't be offended if no one offers -- they're trying to help by letting you choose.
I also look on my reluctance to go to Al-Anon as like the A's reluctance to go to AA. He had every reason in the book not to go. "I don't really need it, I can do it alone." "It's not that bad anyway." "Those people are not like me, I can't relate." "They're too religious." "They're too atheist, the guys in that meeting." "I don't have the time." "I just don't like it." I mentioned these excuses to a friend in AA. He said, "You have someone you hate. But if you're lost in the wilderness and you're going to die, and that person appears with a rescue squad, you'll follow them out of the wilderness and be overjoyed at the chance to survive." He said AA was like that person you used to hate. Maybe starting Al-Anon is like that to many of us. But I think many of us end up overjoyed that our lives have been saved.
Mattie, Wow. Your post was everything I wanted to hear. Thanks so much. I've been reading and printing a few posts on here today that are helpful to me (I'm at work and I should be working, but the heck with it, I need help today).
I realize I have a sickness too and my reluctance to go to Al-anon is the result of rejection and pain from the alcoholic family I grew up in and now my marriage. I just want to deny it all like the alcoholic, go and hide until it gets better, and then come out until the next crisis comes again--and nothing gets resolved. I keep repeating the same patterns. Why is it so hard to change? I don't want it to be too late for my kids. It's up to me. I really want it for them more than for myself, but I realize that I have to be well for them to be well. It's like I want to avoid the initial emotional pain to get well. I'm sure the alcoholic feels the same way, that is why they numb themselves with a drink.
My AH has so much anger and I used to be such a positive person. Now I am a ball of negativity, resentment and anger. I can't even make friends without mentioning all the crap I am going through, and then I turn friends away, ones that I so desperately need to experience the good parts of life with. I've found that most of the friends I've had, do not want to experience the negative aspects of my life, and this is hard for me too, as I am a loyal person and I am very often there for a friend when they are going through a difficult time in their life.
The hardest part is not to react to my AH's insanity, his crap. And his anger at the children is what hurts the most, as I often play the role of Mama Bear, there to protect them whenever he raises a voice or a hand at them, and then he feels that he is not respected by his children when I try to fix the situation or scold him for the way he is disciplining the kids, of which I often don't agree with. This is really my biggest challenge, when the $%^& is hitting the fan as soon as I walk in the door. I know in my heart how I should be doing the program and how I should focus on me and my recovery, but as soon as I walk in the door, the game changes when it is affecting my kids, I jump in to save them, to try to be their security. This is what I stress over more than my own health, but I need to invest in Al-anon for them. When I go to a meeting and I have to leave the kids with him, I feel like I have turned my back on them. During the day seems fine, it is during the night when he drinks. I have no one that I can consistently rely on to babysit for free (financially we are headed for disaster, it just hasn't peaked yet). Besides, he gets angry when I don't feel safe leaving the kids with him when I go to a meeting for an hour or so. The solution fo me would be to go during the day while at work, but that's not always possible. So I rely on this board for a lot of support.
To be honest, we do not have many close "couple" friends except for alcoholics on his side, and a few friends on my side who I connect with but who's husbands don't connect with mine (for obvious reasons), so it is one sided, and they often don't understand what is going on. My neighbor's are a good example. Yesterday I asked the neighbor to make sure her husband does not come over and offer my AH a beer during his first two weeks of sobriety, because he sometimes is too weak to say no, especially with a friend or neighbor. She said ok, but I could tell she thought I was crazy and making it out like her husband was to blame, which I was not. I just didn't want him to have any temptations the first few days and I know the neighbors on both sides do not think he has a problem. In fact, I'm quite sure they think I'm too hard on him and I am the crazy wife. Perhaps I shouldn't have done it, let him have the opportunity to be strong and say "no" to a beer, but it has not worked in the past. I am going to try and go to a meeting at least once a week. Unfortunately the other meeting times are during the day while I am working, but if I can arrange a late lunch, I might do so. Thanks for the support. I am feeling better.
Something else to really think about as good as the idea sounds that as soon as someone leaves the A everything is "normal", guess what .. it's not. Even though the A in my life is not living with me on a daily basis I still have to deal with him because of the kids. I still have to deal with the ingrained behavior that actually if I'm honest about it started WAY WAY WAY before this relationship. So I have to go to alanon not because of the A in my life I have to go for my own sanity and mental health.
I hope you will keep coming back here and try a face to face meeting again. As much as I want to say him him him him .. I have to start saying my part in this is and go from there.
You are right where you need to be in your own healing and no one else can dictate or tell you where you need to be, some people it takes longer to come to conclusions that others reach earlier. The reality is while our emotional stories are similar circumstances are different. So be gentle with yourself with where you are at, it's not easy to say (especially when it's so hard to say) I need help and I don't even know where to begin.
I had to start by going to private counseling and working my way up to alanon. So please keep coming back.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It sounds like you aren't trusting your gut yet. I hope you keep trying Al-anon and keep coming back! It works when you work it. Keep reading and attending meetings. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
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