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i have been taking care of my mother for 12 years, I am 46, she is 69 there is nothing "wrong" with her except she is finacially incapable. She is a drug addict, weather she is currently using or not is unknown, but she does have the behavior. During the past 15 years, she blew her inheritance, mortgaged her house (i bought out of foreclosure) and i have taken care of her since (2000). She did go to the hospital and get off crystal meth when I called the police in 2001 and I was grateful to have her back. Since then I took care of her as I was so happy she was clean, but the behavior never changed. She always makes me think she is going to die, or something bad is going to happen to her. Fast forward 12 years...she is living with my husband, daughter and me and has for over a year. Prior to that, I was paying the rent and all expenses at another house, I became unemployed in 2010 and went thru my savings housing her @ 2,000 per mo I couldn't do it anymore, so I moved her in with us. She is ungrateful, makes me feel bad, she takes no financial responsibility, she gets disability and always is out of money within 5 days. Most of all she steals from my husband and I...i really think shes a klepto, i have covered for her so many times, but now it's a matter of her or my family, my husband talked to her and told her we love you, but this is not working, you are dishonest, and it's ruining my family. You have another place to live, but you have to be responsible and pay rent...I feel sick about her having to move (that's sick), but what is really bad is she was egging me on with guilt and how I never did anything for her ( i went thru my savings, and almost sacrificed my family for her) I lost it....I got physical with her (not bad) just shaking her and saying I'm your daughter...bla bla bla...since then I am sick with depression. I am sobbing at work, I feel so scared for her, and just sick that it had to be this way. I couldn't handle it any more, my husband wouldn't let her do this to us. I need thoughts, prayers and courage. Thanks.
Good for your husband because this disease does not care who it takes down.
I am sure you are feeling totally scared right now. Alanon will help you with this as will MIP. Try to find some distractions now....keep busy and keep praying to your HP to get you through this. Picture your HP with his arms around your mom keeping her safe. Every time you get a fearful thought say "take her HP...she is yours". Who knows....this might just be the thing that will help your mom to see the damage she is doing to your family and want to get some help.
I hope you find peace around this and I pray you will get the courage to keep on keeping on no matter what mom is doing.
Thank you Gail, that's very helpful...i go thru phases of extreme guilt, then anger...i feel like i'm going crazy...and i'm grieving....so much stuff to process...always drama....i do hold onto god taking care of her. I feel badly that this sickness went on so long. I felt I needed to take care of it all, and I think I made it worse. I should have had her have consequences, i'm the real sick one!
I can recommend "Getting them Sober", excellent book. It's even harder when it is either a parent or a child - the lines are blurred that much more. You love your mom but you aren't responsible for doing everything for her. The guilt isn't valid in this case. We often mix the guilt, the one who is hurting us has no guilt for hurting us and we have guilt for not taking it!
I came from a family full of manipulation and more. I learned how to accomodate it. No matter what happened no one in my family acknowledged anything other than what my elder sister did. Nothing else mattered no matter what it was. I used to rail and rage about it. I think I had to go through a long period of grieving and being angry in order to see all this as separate from me. If you have been under the cloud of your mother's illness and inability to get better for so long its pretty likely that you would feel overwhelmed by any change. Al anon is all about learning new tools to deal with impossible situations.
I could most of my life be very easily manipulated. I had to go through a long period of learning boundaries. Indeed today I am still learning boundaries and how to keep them, honor them and adjust them. Having boundaries arouind an alcoholic/addict is like waving a red flag at a bull. They absolutely hate any kind of limit setting and go about trying to deconstruct them with a passion that is breathtaking. Holding onto something you don't have that much experience with is pretty hard under that kind of pressures. Having boundaries around an alcoholic is like lifting a 300 lb weight when you have not yet lifted a 5 lb weight. Your expectations of dealing with her have to be reasonable. Of course she is going to be able to manipulate you easily for a while but over time ou can catch yourself being sucked in. There is no need to beat yourself up for this situation it is not of your making.
I am glad you are reaching out to al anon for support and care and understanding. I hope you will continue to carve out time and energy for youself through the transition.
Excuse me, can you be my mom? Gosh I would love to give me a second chance like that, let alone someone to care so deeply. My mother is the same way. Very incapable of taking care of herself. We went to five or six different churches and she told them the sad sorry about my dad, how he left, I was a sick child and we need money for food, hydro etc. It was always that way.
She is always very self absorted. Needless to say no one ever caught onto her game. It is so dyfunctional. I mean I have broken away from my own mother, those ppl are still friends with her. She is constantly asking them for money. She can't pay back.
When I was a single mother she would come to me constantly about money issues. I would have her over for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I would give her food to take home! I had two kids to take care of!
I think it's because we care so deeply. Not a bad thing but we need to channel it. When the well runs draw, it's hard to keep up.
Hugs, this is a wonderful place to share. Don't feel bad. You are a real sweetheart for what you did and all that you are doing.
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"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
I am so glad your found our Miracles in Progress Board and Welcome. I do understand the dreadful pain, anger and fear that you describe Having lived with e problem of alcoholism I too felt these same feelings and have lost it and "shaken" the addict in an effort to be heard. . You are not alone.
Alanon is a fellowship of people who understand as few others can. We too were lonely and frustrated and reached out to the alanon program for help I am so glad I did. Here I learned how to break the isolation caused by this illness and I was given healthy tools to live my life . I learned how to take care of myself and family first and then to have compassion for the alcoholic. Living with trust in a higher power, I can now face the day with courage. serenity and wisdom.
We have on line meetings here daily and I do suggest that you check out the alanon meetings in your community The main number can be found it the white pages.
