Sad - Al-Anon Family Group

AZR · Newbie

Sad

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I'm glad you did write here and I hope abyou will keep coming back to share your feelings with us. If you read here, you will see lots of families are experiencing this. Alanon is good support for the family. If you can get to a meeting near where you live, people will welcome you and be there for you. I hope you give it a try.

You're smart to take your time to consider your kids before divorcing your husband. You can learn more about alcoholism and get support at Alanon meetings through listening to other people share. More information always helps a person when they are considering a big life change.

There is always the possibility your husband will quit drinking. He'll know if he is ready.

I hope you will keep taking good care of yourself and your girls. The loving support you'll receive in Alanon will help you to continue to do that. Keep coming back. TT

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know you hurt. It is good you came here, if you keep coming you will feel better.

If you can believe this it may help you to look at your husband differently. Alcoholism is his drug of choice because he is an addict. Being an addict is a disease he did not choose. He does not do this to hurt you. In fact it has zero to do with you. He cannot just stop. That is one symptom of the disease. For them to stop takes so much more than just the decision to do so.

What I am inviting you to think about to do is, forgive him for being so sick. Its in his dna. It is not curable. Most have to have more than wanting to quit to be able to.

So for you to take a breath and realise it is a serious illness that you can accept and learn to live with, and teach your girls to live with too, will help you to leave his disease with him. It is not your problem. He hides it because he is ashamed.

Maybe try to show compassion, love the man, hate the disease. We in al Anon learn to help ourselves, learn skills and truths so we feel better, for afterall that is all we can control not them.

Looking for bottles, asking them if they drank is none of our business.It only makes it worse. We have no control over it anyway.

If you keep coming I promise you will learn to think about all this differently, you can make your girls you and he more comfortable.

Glad you did come here. Hope we see you again! we do care very very much! love,debilyn

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

It's SO hard. I remember getting so upset...feeling SO betrayed..by the lying, the denial, and the screwed up reasoning / thinking.

Then, with alanon, and counseling..I am now at the place where I say "whatever" and really mean it. What he does or doesn't do...well it no longer controls my moods. The only time I get crazy now is if he drinks and drives with the kids. If I suspect he has been drinking, and it's his weekend with the kids (we are divorced), and he comes to pick them up, he knows I won't let them go if he's drunk. I have a home breathalyzer, and if he balks..I will call the police.

Breathe. It WILL be okay. Many of us have walked this path...and we are on it with you...some farther ahead...and some behind you...and the crew here at MIP is a great support.

Keep coming back...sending you strength. Just keep saying to yourself...I GOT THIS...because you will get through it...it may be messy, and intense...but you will be okay.

hdftby100 · Senior Member

I was where you were a few weeks ago... searching for bottles, quizzing my spouse, looking for clues, etc, etc. I realize that it is easier said then done, but that behaivor should stop for YOU. It will drive you crazy. I admit I sometimes do have some relapses (this morning I started to look in the trash can as I took the trash out but stopped myself.) He is an alcoholic. What do alcoholics do, they drink. What are YOU gonna do? The same scenerio plays out for all of us with some small details differing. It goes like this: Alcoholic denies drinking, you search for proof. You find proof and confront the A about lying. You hear one of a few things: that is an old bottle I never threw away from (days, weeks) ago. That isn't mine. Or sometimes you get it up front or when you press hard enough you get the alcoholic to say "ok, fine! It's mine. I was drinking. Happy?" You are mad, they are mad, and everything is in turmoil. Why go through all that? The decision is yours how you want to live YOUR life. Focus on YOU and his problem is his problem. You did not cause this, you cannot control this, you cannot cure this.

One day at a time. You don't have to make any rash decisions on anything right now. Work on getting help for YOU and he can get help with him. It's ok to talk to him about the drinking but do it when he is sober in a non-confrontational way. Don't blame or judge. Look at his like he is sick, because he is. It's HIGHLY unlikely that he WANTS to be this way, but the disease has control. You can say to him when he is sober that you are concerned/worried about his drinking and not get into details. There are a million ways it can go but the basic jist of it is this: He says, "What would you like me to do?" "Tell me what to do" etc, etc. My answer: "That is up to you. I'm working on me and my happiness and life. You decide what is best for you."

Keep coming back. His problem may not get any better but if you follow a program for you things will improve for you. This may or may not involve you leaving.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

AZR...welcome to the board...please consider staying and listening to the Experience Strength and Hope of those who have come before you and found needed help. You'll need to have and keep and open mind because what you can learn here isn't the usual reaction to the disease of alcoholism. What you learn here becomes the new response to it. Al-Anon is as mentioned, for the family because alcoholism is a family disease and alcohol from the manufacturers, distributors and sales groups isn't going to take a sudden new way of looking at the chemical and it's consequences and pull away from supplying it. What's important for me is what I do for my own healing. I was born into this disease and until I got into Al-Anon and other sources of help, like MIP, I didn't know what the cause of my insanity was. Now I know and I know that I know and I have solutions to the problems it has caused in my life.

Go to the white pages of your local telephone book, instead of searching thru his car, an find the hotline number to Al-Anon in your area (Al-Anon is world wide....you are not alone)...call that number and find the places and times we get together in your neighborhood and see if they have Alateen for you children. It is important to come, find your chair and to listen. You will find help, support and solutions.

Aloha and welcome to the board. ((((hugs)))) smile

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

AZR, Welcome,

Its good you are looking into Alanon and before you decide if you should divorce or not.

Give Alanon a try. You will learn the dynamics of this horrendous disease, because its important
to accept that it is a disease. You will learn some tools of coping and finding serenity in the midst
of this chaos that can only be brought on from the continuing drinking.

Alcoholism is a family disease and its important that your children also get help in understanding what the effects of the disease will bring.

Be confident in knowing there is help on the way, all you have to do is attend and listen and learn, it will be a life saving benefit.

Best to you , keep coming back.
Hugs, Bettina

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

please find meetings for yourself , give this prog a few months before making a life altering decission , in our opening it says it is possible for us to find happiness wether the alcoholic is still drinking or not , and like you I didnt want to leave my marriage . Meetings made it possible for me to stay and get my life back on track . there is nothing we can do about them but alot we can do for ourselves . I am sure you have better things to do than check in his trunk to see if he has been drinking , when you already know the answer to the question by his behavior , expecting an honest answer to the question is part of our insanity , but we keep asking . get the focus off your husb and back on your own needs and those of your children they really are all that matters , they deserve one sane parent . Louise

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.