The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Steps One, Two and Three taught us about the disease of alcoholism, that we were powerless over the disease and that a Power greater than ourselves can return us to Sanity if we so desire. A short phrase for this is: I cant, God can, and Im going to Let Him.
There are several different ways to approach the fourth step, it matters not which form you chose, only that you start. Most recommend a sponsor before starting the fourth step, this is because some that have started the fourth step without a sponsor or trusted program friend have abandoned it out of fear. Some members say that fear is False Evidence Appearing Real.
In fact, listing our fears is one way to begin an inventory according to Al-Anons Step Four in Paths of Recovery. Another method is writing about events and people we resent or distrust. Writing is an essential part of the fourth step process. Other methods of doing a fourth step include using Blue Print for Progress 4th Step Inventory or Paths of Recovery Al-Anons Steps, Traditions and Concepts. In this latter book there is another method listed that I hadn't seen before: the 4 M's: Martyrdom, Managing, Manipulating and Mothering. It was suggested that you could take a situation, person, or place and put it on a piece of paper and put a plus or a minus next to it, as it has effected you. Then you take the situation, person, place or thing and write a paragraph on how you would like to handle it in the future and how you would use the Al-Anon tools to do so. I liked this idea and applied it to a situation that I had recently.
I had a situation at my church where an anonymous person offered to help pay a care-giver to come and help me with my mom who has moderate Alzheimer's until mom's VA Aid & Attendence got reinstated in a couple of months. It came to my attention this week that this person was getting paid $25/hour to watch my mom. I am also starting a home care business and I knew that this was $10-15/hr. more than the going wage in my area for a personal care assistant. I wrote an email to the pastor of my church telling him this. He wrote me back and told me it was "none of my concern."
"What? None of my concern!" I said. "Of course it's my concern! (hehe) This is my MOM we're talking about! This person isn't DOING $25/hr. worth of work!" I said.
There are so many people in need of jobs in this area, I know; because I'm trying to start this home care business in my hometown to help the unemployed in this neighborhood. I just couldn't understand why ANYONE would pay such a ridiculous amount! And furthermore (I reasoned) the woman didn't WASH mom's dishes she just put them in the dishwasher (travesty! lol) and didn't fold the laundry the way I wanted (is my perfectionism showing yet?), and didn't even vacuum the living room floor... even though I had left the vacuum cleaner out for her to use (never mind I didn't tell her I wanted her to do this... I guess she was supposed to read my mind?) Anyway... I went OFF!
Told the preacher that I was THROUGH with the church. Nevermind that I had attended all my life and my father before me and his father before him... etc,etc. back about 5 generations to the beginning of the church which was started on our family farm and one of the founding members was my great, great grandmother! Why, they would be rollling over in their graves I reasoned if they knew how "THEIR" church was treating ME! (Are you starting to see the arrogance? I am.) Well, you'd think I'd of stopped there, but I didn't. I had to write an email to the Women's group too stating my grievances (don't know WHAT they had to do with it). Anyway I've created quite a mess and right up until I had this Fourth Step meeting today, was feeling quite "put upon" by everything! So here's how I applied the 4 M's to my situation:
Martyrdom: I am not going to have a "pity party" for myself in the future and lick my wounds and say "woe is me" when I feel like the world isn't acting the way I want it to act. I am going to look at what I CAN do and not at what I CAN'T do in any given situation.
Managing: I am going to try not to manage what is clearly other people's business. (paying for mom's help) It was truly "none of my concern" like the preacher said. I was getting the help, so ENJOY! He said. I should have listened to him.
Manipulating: I will try not to tell others how to handle their business (what to pay the help) and how "I" want it done, if it doesn't concern me. The only place where I should have any say is in how they are "treating" mom, not in their pay.
Mothering: I over-protect mom (much like I used to over-protect the alcoholic). Yes, she has moderate Alzheimer's, but she deserves to be treated with respect. I do not need to follow her around like a child (even though she does act child-like sometimes) and dictate her every move. Would I like to be treated this way? No. I will treat her as I would want to be treated if this should ever be me in the future (which it likely could since it runs in our family).
Thanks to courage for asking me to chair the Thursday night Step/Tradition meetings or I never would have figured this out! Ok, now it's time to make some amends to the pastor! LOL
Love in Recovery,
Overcome
-- Edited by Overcome on Thursday 25th of October 2012 10:02:03 PM
-- Edited by Overcome on Thursday 25th of October 2012 10:06:01 PM
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Thank you for sharing this. I am getting ready to start step 4 and this was very helpful to me. I chaired my home meeting tonight and I shared how I am finally applying all the first 3 steps daily, but that I recognized the need to apply them daily. It's not a one shot deal with them. I walk around daily professing that I am powerless and that God and that I will let him. I think those first 3 steps are so important to grasp before moving on and I love what you shared here regarding the 4 m's. Really gives me something to think about!
Paths to Recovery is an amazing book. So amazing that it's what my home F2F group uses exclusively for weekly study. Took 9 years to get through it the last time, and about a month after I found this group a couple of years ago they had reached the end and started over at the beginning! (HP at work in my life, or what?) If this isn't part of your recovery library, I enthusiastically recommend it.
What an excellent example. I know I can become overinvolved in a minute. I also know there are significant triggers for me that are very very difficult to manage. I guess one of them would be jealousy. Since I'm poor hearing someone else is paid a lot of money for something I do for nothing would be a huge issues for me.
For me the issue of boundary making is such a minefield. I put up walls, take them down and then discover I've allowed people to tread on the boundary. I think its a huge experiment for me in dealing with others. There is no more treacherous place for boundaries for me than my home. Having someone come into my home woud be extremely difficult for me. Indeed I find it hard to share common spaces with roommates and don't get me started on the neighbors. I can also get pretty antsy about anyone presuming, not asking and treading on my personal space. For me the issue of having someone come into care would be a big one not something I could create such clear cut lines around. Asking for what I want is not something I do easily. These days I do monitor my activity, my exhaustion and my ability to negotiate. I can't say I am always that successful. There are sometimes when I have to put walls back in with certain people. Since I didn't have any walls before that for me is progresss. I don't think I expect to be wholly successful any more at such places as work, dealing with the neighbors (I have a particularly nosy neighbor who I have had to set huge limits with)., even the people I work with. I can and do walk the line of boundary setting, expectations and having an awareness but I do now expect certain things to be pretty difficult for me to deal with. I think expecting myself to breeze through things is what got me into codependence for example at various work activities I never said no. I never examined how I felt, I just pushed my way through them. Now I do look at where I am going, how I am interacting and what limits I have. Sometimes I have had to come down really hard on the boundaries (that isn't exactly popular). Sometimes I have had to let up and let myself have issues rather than expect perfection.
