The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello my friend, I could have written your post a few years ago when I had hit my bottom. Although I was screaming in pain, there was only one direction left to go - up.
As I read your post, I noticed one word, "I.... I.... I.... I.... I....."
and I noticed that I am just like you, "I" can't. But Higher power can. and so I let Him. Higher power is waaay bigger than me, way more powerful and so I work the solution, the solution is cultivating that relationship to Higher power, I eventually surrendered and fired myself as manager of my life and let HP manage it instead. I didn't know how to do that, of course, so I crawled into al-anon for help. I had to get my butt to lots of meetings to express my willingness to change. that was the key - willingness. If I hadn't been willing to do that, I am quite sure I would've gotten what I had always gotten. and for me, that was pure hell, I'm not even sure I'd be here today, because I sure didn't want to be.
You are an exquisite human being, worthy of a beautiful life. You've been severely affected by this disease but it's not hopeless, my friend. If it can work for me, it can work for anybody, believe me.
You are okay. totally okay ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 25th of October 2012 12:15:41 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thanks, guys but I've been working Al-anon for a year.
I've turned it over, asked my higher power to help. I'm trying so hard that I've been on step 3 for almost a year until I really know that I've gotten it. Still..... here we are....
It does help just to hear that you understand, can relate, or have been here too. Thanks.
-- Edited by mehere80 on Thursday 25th of October 2012 02:14:37 PM
Why do I say that I'm ok when people ask how I am? I don't feel ok. I feel depressed, damaged, injured, desperate. My husband is finally trying at our marriage and I can't for the life of me accept it. I can't let him in. I have this pain in my chest, and my heart beats so hard. I feel some deep, agonizing pain inside but I don't know where it is or how to make it go away. I want to want this marriage, I want to want to fix my life. I don't though. I want to run. I want to curl up in a ball and cry all day long. I want to hate my husband for everything he's done and hasn't done, who he's been and hasn't been and blame him for ruining my life. I want to stop hating myself for ruining my own life. I want to stop feeling that my life is ruined, because it doesn't have to be. I can see myself destroying things, but I don't know how to stop. I feel myself pushing everyone away, then suffering from the lonleyness. I wish I could just decide to feel all of the things that are good and healthy and then just be that way. It's not working out this way. I want to trust (not even again, but for the first time), and let go, and forgive and stop being so sad and angry all the time. I'm trying to work my program, I think I'm doing the best I can right now. I just feel so pathetic. I don't even think I'd be capable of being in a healthy marriage even if I could make myself try. There's so much damage, so much destruction. I don't know where to start, I can't face the pain, and I can't seem to just stand up and start living.
I am so sorry that this disease has caused so much pain in your life. You are definitely not alone and there is hope!! I know that you area attending meetings and that is a great step Owning those painful feelings, discussing them, with a sponsor and with alanon friends and meetings is a huge step in moving through the pain. Working the Steps finally helped me to let go of the past and be willing to face the day and the future one day at a time
Serenity, Wisdom and courage are true gifts of this program Please do not give up before the miracle You are worth it and remember it is progress not perfection
That is basically where I was at when I started going to meetings. I had an attitude of "I am too broken to be fixed." I heard others say that same thing. I think that is where many people start in 12 step programs. Through meetings and reaching out bit by bit, I got better. Solutions are not supposed to all be evident right now. Commit to the process of alanon and that is something positive you can do to invest in your own emotional health.
Early in my first year, my disease told me the same thing, "this crap doesn't work." I'd go to my "weekly" meeting and cry my eyes out week after week. well, that wears people out eventually, especially the people who know better. and I got noooooo sympathy when they asked me how many meetings I was making and I told them, "one." I tried to convince them I couldn't do more because I was going through a divorce... then it was because I was an introvert, hahaha! Eventually I got a sponsor and she told me, "You're special all right, sweetie. special like the rest of us." and every time we talked, she asked if I was making a meeting that day. it was soooo annoying sometimes. Today I know, my disease doesn't want me to get well so I have to ignore the voice that says, don't bother doing more, you're fine. then I end up not feeling fine and not okay.
When I was making 3 meetings a week and continued dragging from my depression and fear, they told me to "step up my meetings" and make 7 a week. (If you haven't tried that yet, you are in for a treat, you will NOT be the same person afterwards. I'd love to hear your experience with that) I do know this, I get out of al-anon EXACTLY what I put into it. When I slack off, I feel it.
I will add, there was a time when I really needed some extra help, I felt completely overwhelmed. and so I agreed to a script for anti-depressants and also went for acupuncture, which worked very well.
Take care of yourself, whatever that looks like, my friend.
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Glad- I really appreciated your response and something rang true with me.
I just called and talked to my sponsor for an hour, and I also realized that for the first time in months I'll be able to attend the f2f that I like because my husband isn't working tonight and can stay with our son. So, that's where I'll be. My sponsor and I talked about me starting my 4th step. And I feel better, for now--- this program is exactly what I need. Without it I'd be feeling worse, and worse. I know to do the next right thing. Eat dinner, get to tonight's meeting, go to bed, wake up, work, and go from there.
i don't think trust is an easy thing to repair. When I finally left the ex A he came back into my life with all kinds of promises, dreams and platitudes. I felt all kinds of feelings, most of all I missed being around him as we had lived together for so long. I was willing to give him some time and over time I saw that nothing had changed. So I think my reluctance was indeed a good gut reaction. I could learn to trust myself rather than feel that I had to make all the effort to repair something. The ex A made many many gestures to the fact he wanted it to work between us. Indeed he can still call and seem like he is the person that I imagned him to be. I have learned to trust my gut and not go into self doubt. I did indeed feel like the ex a ruined my life for a long long time. He certainly damaged it and I am still on so many levels picking up the pieces.
I know reaching out to others and really being open about my pain, my hurt and my fear was really helpful for me. When I was calibrating the ex a's actions after I left him I bounced the reality off many people who were in al anon. There were pretty clear about that he wasn't remotely in recovery. Letting go didn't happen overnight. i felt like I was some hollow tree for a long long time but gradually I did find a strength I didn't know I had. I would tread carefully get books like Getting them Sober. Keep your expectations really really clear. Most of all reach out to other people in the program who understand where you are. You don't owe everyone in your life the full encylopedia of where you are and not being able to articulate it isn't something that is a crime.
Aloha mehere...I learned I had gotten addicted to feeling bad about everything and that is where I got stuck...I had the same compulsion of the mind that my alcoholic/addict had toward her next drink or drug. Al-Anon gave me permission to just STOP!! and to compulsively practice letting it go, turning it over, surrendering it to...program, group, Al-Anon, Sponsor, Higher Power everything and anything other than me and with practice it becomes better, easier more valueable. I came to understand that I was stuck...just stuck in fear and panic and terror. Imagine being stuck in that big swamp hole, out in the nowhere and instead of just reving the engine higher and higher and spinning the big swamp wheels...turning the engine off and breathing and looking at the trees and flowers and birds and stuff.
I'm not ok isn't the same thing as I will never be okay. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
I love that, about the truck Jerry. I always love what you have to say.
I'm ok today. I went to my meeting last night and of COURSE was able to make some sense of stuff and share, really share about how low I was feeling and then listen, really listen to others.
I think that I'm terrified. I was so used to having excuses for not really committing to my marriage, and not really trying. I've always had 1 foot out the door. Because he drank, because he lied, because he did things to hurt me, and our marriage is bad. That make it ok for me to keep him at arm's length and never really let him in. (or so I thought). As long as I had crisis after crisis to deal with, I knew my purpose. It was to be strong, to take care of everything and not crumble because there's no time and no one else to pick up the pieces.
Now, things are starting to happen that I've so long wished for. My husband is trying at our marriage. He's being responsible, and trying to earn my trust. He's compassionate about how I'm hurting. He's asking me to allow him to love me the way I deserve to be loved. His drinking, although not completely stopped is not causing a problem at this time and I can live with that. I do feel that he's significantly repaired the spiritual malady which lead him to behave as an alcoholic, whether I can call him one or not- who knows. The kids are pretty good, money is fine. Things are pretty calm, and everyone is pretty ok but I'm here FREAKING OUT. Because now I have to make a decision. I need to make a change. I've never really let anyone in, how do I know that I can? I'm too emotionally damaged, right? All I know is protecting myself, I learned this being raised by alcoholics. It's never safe, right? But, what if it could be. Crap. Did I ever really think it would be? Now what do I do?!
But now, I'm either in this or I'm not. It's time for me to figure out what MY path is. This scares the crap out of me. I can't make sense of what's going on. I don't know how to perceive anything or what to make of it or how to feel or if I'm sick, or justified or healing or WHAT I AM. Perfect time to dive into step 4, I think. Learn who I am. Learn what I want, and what I need. Challenge what I've not been capable of so far. I'm asking HP for help. Please, please help me because I'm so scared sometimes I can barely breathe. Why, oh why can't I just accept the good things that I thought I wanted for so long...that I deserve??
You describe for me that moment I came to where I had to trust a sponsor and a home group...Trust for me was word only found on money and something I didn't know how to do...Another thing that helped me a ton was learning how not to take the disease personally...she wasn't doing it to me she was just doing it "and" it hurt me also. She was addicted to alcohol and to drugs and one of the consequences was that "it" hurt myself and the children and the families. When I accepted that she was really alcoholic and not "bad" (bad is the behavior and all alcoholics/addicts and often times me too have it) I was able to she her and our situation differently.
You have gotten more clear headed in a short period of time...that's a miracle!! Do the next right thing for mehere...you already know how to focus on everything/one else so that part's taken care of.
((HUGS)) to you. My experience has been that I have had to fight very hard against an "all or nothing" attitude. Early on, I felt as though if I was going to commit to my marriage/forgiving my AH/moving forward, I had to do it 100% every second of the day. Eventually I realized that some days, I could only manage 50%. Or 0%. And that was OK. I do what I can day by day...sometimes even hour by hour. I try to stay true to myself and what is within my boundaries, without allowing myself slip into self-pity, or to be lazy in my program, or to use my emotional wounds as an excuse not to engage in my life in general.
Mehere80, Wow, I cried when I read your post. I could have written your post word for word, it is exactly how I am feeling. I am not as far along in my recovery as you, however. At least you are trying, going to Al-anon. I did and for some reason it did not agree with me. Each time I went and they read the serenity prayer at the beginning, I would break down in horrible sobs and could not stop, sometimes could not speak the entire meeting and I am so desperate to get some help. I am going to try again, but I feel the same way about my marriage. Maybe it is a process I am supposed to go through, but it is painful for me and the kids. I really think the step I need to take for myself is to separate from him--I know it would improve my recovery and make his worse. And maybe this is why I hesitate, because I've always taken care of his needs and the guilt would come. Eventually the dam is going to burst and I will need to get the help or I will slowly die of this pain. I understand your post completely. It sounds like you are doing better. I wish all the best for you. My life with a full time job and two young children is very chaotic when I get home, so I post on here very infrequently and it is usually at work, of which I feel a bit of guilt because some days when I am really sad, I don't accomplish much work. Posting at home is too difficult with my confrontational AH.
You can PM me, it may take me a while to get back to you, but I want to be here for those struggling like I am.
