i was just thinking a bit and reading replies and i came to the thought that i think im scared because as ive said before im seeing life more clearly now and how things really are and am practicing in baby steps letgo/let god. i think im scared to do this. im scared of the changes im making. im scared im realizing my a might not be for me. im in denial even as i type that. but i know im not ready to call it quits yet. i will know when i know. its pretty freaky to see things in a new light that ive never noticed before or at least wouldnt let myself notice. the truth is i dont believe my a will get sober. i believe there is many more relapses to come. but what im going through right now is figuring out whether or not i will stand by his side through this or bail. i dont know. of course i hope he will do all he says he's going to but im skeptical. the answer will come when god wants me to hear it. last night before i went to bed i wrote a letter to god saying everything that was on my mind. i told him im handing this all over to you so i can sleep. i fell asleep right after i put my journal down. im still amazingly calm through all of this. but still have the feeling of some sort of change coming into play. i guess i will find out soon. when im ready that is. ty all for your loving support it means so much.