New to this board and not sure where to begin... - Al-Anon Family Group

m0lissa · Newbie

New to this board and not sure where to begin...

TrudyS85 · Senior Member

Welcome Molissa, if you can't get to a F2F meeting near you then these boards are a great starting place. There are also some great books out there, Getting Them Sober and CoDependent No More are two of my favorites. You will find endless support here, we all understand like no others what life can be like with alcoholics. Before you make any drastic life changes I would do some reading, educate yourself on the disease and on what the disease does to those around it. Sounds like you have been through a lot. It is never too late to start living your life again, with or without you A. What you describe about selective memory sounds very familiar to me, at times I thought I was crazy because my AH would never admit to what chaos our lives had become, it came down to me starting to be content with the knowledge that I knew what I knew and I didn't need his agreement to realize my life had become a mess. Part of the process is learning to own our contribution to the mess, I enabled for 10 years, all it got me was more misery. I am seperated from my AH right now and it is hard, I love him - I just don't love what the disease has made of him. Keep coming back, you will get excellent advice here and tons of love and support. Hang in there, keep the faith. TS

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Molissa

Welcome to Miracles in Progress

I do not have much more to add to Trudy's posting. Just wanted to suggest you attend the on line meetings here each day and spend time reading the posting from other members.

Basic tools of recovery that I use each day are :Live one day at a time, Focused on myself, my needs and feelings ,remember to do the next right thing for me and place my principles first. Prayer and trusting a Higher Power is also very important.

Breaking the isolation and learning new tool to live by enabled me to rebuild my life with courage and wisdom

Keep coming back You are worth it

hdftby100 · Senior Member

Welcome and you have come to the right place. A couple of things I want to share with you:

1 - Keep coming back! It has helped me more than I can imagine. I have only been to one Al-Anon meeting (going to a different group today) but this board and the members here have helped alot.

2 - I have recently felt like I had nowhere to turn, no options, no win situation or whatever you want to call it. I have realized that I do have options and you do, too. You may not realize it but you do. You also don't have to make any decision overnight. Give it a little time and some thinking. Leaving never has to be a middle of the night, packing one bag and rushing out the door. Having said that I am not telling you to leave. I have a feeling by working through this with the help of others that have dealt/are dealing with the same issues you will find the right decision on your own and will know what to do and when o do it on your own.

3 - Do something for yourself every day, even if it is small, for at least 15 minutes.

I recently went through a change in attitude (still a work in progress cause I have my moments) and began doing what I wanted to for me. Sometimes this included my AW and sometimes it does not. Just like with your husband, my wife's problem is hers to deal with. You didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. Alcoholics drink, what are YOU gonna do. It is ok to mention that you have concerns about his drinking but if they say something like, "What do you want me to do?" The answer is: "You figure out what is best for you." My AW asked me if I thought she had a problem when I told her my group was Al-Anon and I said yes. I then said that the group was for me and about me, not her.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you have found us. There are online meetings here. I hope you'll do what you can to get to the ones an hour from you, because a local support network is so valuable. Try a number of meetings because they're all different. You may not be in a place to make all the changes you want to yet, but with time you can get to that place. I hope you'll keep coming back.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
I live in the country too and one of my meetings is 30-40 minutes away. I always combine it with shopping or doing other errands. I work other things around it.

We will stress to you that you have to DO for yourself. Just like you had to do with your cancer treatment, this is another matter of life or death for you. We AlAnons die from this disease too. Depression and stress do terrible things to your mind and body. And congratulations for beating the big C!!!

You will learn in AlAnon that alcoholism causes mental illness. They have only 3 choices with their alcoholism. They can choose recovery, prison or death. Those are their 3 eventual pathways.

So, what are you going to do with the rest of YOUR life. You are in charge of that!!! Get information first. That is what AlAnon and this web site are all about. Also get books. AlAnon books can be ordered online. Go to gettingthemsober dot com and get information from there. Your attitudes will change as you get more information and then you will be ready to act.

Icie · Senior Member

Hi & Welcome

As I read your story it totally felt like mine! I too was married to a alcoholic & had breast cancer.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 years ago. I lost my right breast, went through 12 rounds of chemo, 35 radiation treatments and all scans are still clear.

I too was confused & did not know what to do.I finally got into Al Anon & got the help I needed for myself , I choose to separate from my husband & ended up divorcing him. My life was really good, got my kids into Ala-teen, started my own business, things were better than I ever dreamt they could be, my kids grew up & the monster reared its head again my one son decided to drink & now has a drinking problem, one of my other sons married a alcoholic lady, so here I am needing Al Anon as much as ever. I had quit for a few years & of course I hit bottom again & lost all my serenity, but back on track once again.

....The others gave you some really good info.

Try to get the Books Getting them Sober if you can, they are a real eye opener, It more to help you become aware what the disease does to all of us.

Keep coming back & try to get to a few face to face meetings

m0lissa · Newbie

Thank you so much for your replies :) I kind of hit a low point and realized I need to move my life forward. I talked to my oldest kids yesterday (19 & 24) and told them that I had come here and read others'stories that sounded so familiar it was like I had written them myself. They told me some horror stories about their dad (some of these I had not heard before) about how he has gotten violent with them or otherwise frightened them over the years. My son showed me the scars on his arms where he used to cut himself. (How have I never noticed these?) My daughter said she always wondered when I would finally decide to be happy. They said they figured out years ago that there were things in this world you cannot change, and their dad is one of them. I guess I should have consulted my very wise kids a long time ago.
I will try to find a meeting closer with Al-Anon or at least the chat room here as soon as I have another day off. I work in retail and Christmas is looming. Upcoming surgeries in March to complete my reconstruction will force me to rely on AH and this worries me. Wish me luck and strength and thank you again.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

mOlissa....(((((hugs)))))...do keep coming back and bring your story with you and how it changes. ((((hugs)))) to your kids...the younger change faster. smile

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

there are meetings here twice a day. I can verify that they are very good. In addition there is a chat room associated with this board that is generally full of people who are willing to listen. I can relate very much to feeling abandoned, alone and isolated. I can also tell you that this board filled a huge hole in my heart when I felt absolutely devastated by the now ex A's alcoholism and addiction. I think the book Getting them Sober may also help. I would highly recomend it. Whatever happens know you are not alone, no one here is going to judge you, lecture you or label you. I hope you will find a way through this hard time with the help of others. While your husband is indeed consumed by alcoholism you don't need to be destroyed by the illness as well. Coming through the abyss of addiction needs tools, companionship and empathy. You will find all of that here and in al anon.

Maresie.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. I was very touched by your share. I can tell you are a very compassionate person, and very brave.

I sure like your kids too! Am so glad they opened up and talked to you.That will bring you so much closer.

You know there are options, I don't know how old you are or what you have looked into. Have you talked to social security about being unable to work due to the treatments and now reconstructive surgery?

Are you able to work? I am not asking for an answer, I guess I am encouraging you to really look at options. There are people who rent out part of their homes to have a companion there for a little help.

Not sure if your kids are at home or not.

It has to be very hard to feel stuck if you want to be on your own. I am out on my own on a very small income and it is tough. But I tell ya, its much better than living with someone that I no longer choose to live with.

Another thing some people do is have their own little place, but their job is to stay in others homes while they are gone and get paid for it. My mother did this for awhile for one of our Oregon politicians while she was out doing her thing. She really liked it. I was a widow raising two babies. worked for the school system but no money in the summer.So I did pet care in peoples homes and sometimes mine. I also cleaned the brand new houses after the contractor was completed with them. I love cleaning houses.

I admire your attitude after all you have been thru. I saw what my Mother went thru, and stayed by her side to keep her safe. My daddy was not in the picture. Its a hard thing to go thru without support.

He is very sick, I am sad for you all.

Glad you found MIP. I went to a little face to face but about 99 per cent of what I have learned is from right here at MIP. I have a bone disease and its so hard to sit and drive then sit at the meetings. Mip has been my lifeline for many, many years.

I sure hope you keep coming. I am so glad you got good news and are able to do the reconstruction!

much love, keep coming! debilyn

Overcome · Senior Member

HI M0lissa!

So glad to have met you tonight in the chat room! I too am a cancer survivor, 18 years now. I had non-Hodkins Lymphoma and went through chemo and radiation in 1994. I had been in the Al-anon program for 3 years at that point and my program friends were really there for me. I have been married 4 times, 3 alcoholic and 1 sex addict who was sexually abused by his alcoholic dad and then turned to child porn himself. He is also the father of my child, so he only gets to see her under supervised visitation. I was not raised in an alcoholic family, quite the opposite, so I could never understand why I went out and started marrying them at 19! Through this program I have learned that I am an enabler, caretaker, and somewhat an addict myself... to relationships. I am now single and raising my 15 year old daughter, and caring for my 89 year old mom (ever the caretaker! lol) who has moderate Alzheimer's. This room has been my sole outlet for the last 7 years that I have been housebound with my mom.

Today I am grateful for the disease of alcoholism, for without it I would have never found this program and way of life. It has allowed me to learn coping skills that I never would have learned anywhere else. The tools that I have learned here I now apply "in all my affairs", as you will learn, this is a "life program" and I plan to never graduate from it. The support that I have found here is phenomenial. I have never experienced anything else like it in my 50 years on this earth! Not in my church, my of family origin, my job, professional counselors, not even mental hospitals (where my ex-husband who had the porn problem was admitted to two different times). This program is people just like you from the trenches that have been there, done that and survived to tell the story. And tell their story they do and their experience, strength and hope... Keep Coming Back! It works, if you work it!

Love in Recovery,
Lisa

-- Edited by Overcome on Saturday 27th of October 2012 12:09:09 AM

m0lissa · Newbie

I think I just ended my marriage.

I told my husband that I wanted to go to meetings and he said What for? I told him very calmly and rationally that I needed to be around people who knew what it was like to live my life. That I did not want to waste the second chance I was given waiting for a miracle that wasn't coming. That I still care about him as a person, but I don't love him anymore. I told him he had no idea the things he had missed. He tried his usual defensiveness, but finally he just told me he was sorry and that he thought he should leave. I told him I was sorry too. He started to cry and asked me to leave him alone. I feel unspeakably cruel. So glad my kids are here for me. I don't know what I would do without them.

InspiredPhotography · Senior Member

This thread has really inspired me. Thank you.

-- Edited by InspiredPhotography on Sunday 28th of October 2012 10:50:49 AM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.