My mother had dementia for quite some time before she died all in all it was a good long 5 years of increasingly confused and sometmes belligerant behavior.  My two sisters did in fact coordinate and carry out much of her care throughout that entire period. At one time one of my sisters was the sole authority and did it all. Eventually my other sister became more involved but this was never acknowledged or even considered as something noteworthy by anyone other than me.  Naturally there was a tremendous tension between them at times because both of our family structure as well as my mother was stubborn, mean and incredilby nasty till the end of her days. .  At the same time, between the two of them they did indeed come up with an impressive way to care for her which did indeed at some point involve others which my mother eventually came to accept and even enjoy.  I don't doubt for one minute that both of my sisters felt that I was lazy, irresponsible and thankless because I was not involved on so many levels because of the physical distance involved, but mentally I was right there in the thick of the resentment, anger and fear that spewed over every conversation we had.  And I still kept looking for some nugget of maternal feelings that could somehow hold me together even then and I kept hoping that now for once my elder sister would give up her bullying but of course she didn't.    I certainly can understand where your entire family is coming from and how exhausting it is to live with that level of frustration and exhaustion.    Needless to say the resentment and anger and fear all kept up through my mother's death and into the resolution of her estate.  I was over reactive, angry and at times completely obsessed with feelings about my sisters, my mother and whatever the details were of her funeral even right down to the words on her tombstone one year after she was buried.   Needless so say the now ex A was completely furious that I was paying attention to any thing other than his issues.  Indeed he was quite upset when the news suddenly came of my mothers sudden death after all wasn't his constant crisis supposed to take precedence over everything else.   Talk about living in an emotional desert but then that setting is oh so familiar to me, I can survive on so so little .   I knew no one who was willing to admit that they lived, slept and breathed in such a seemingly toxic environment of grief, rage and overwhelming hurt. For the most part most of the people I knew  whose parents had died, coped by completely shutting down around their parents dying or tried to fashion something that everyone else would find acceptable rather than dare feel what was going on.   Indeed, one of my then "friends" publicly chided me for not getting over it in her alloted two weeks of mourning.    Most of all I felt absolutely alone and swamped with feelings that I was ashamed of, rage, grief and helplessness and an absolute conviction that now for once my elder sister would not bully me into doing whatever she wanted.     My reaction to her bullying was of course an over reaction and made it very very difficult to take care of myself when I was already completely emotionally exhausted but I was determined not to be bullied anymore. 

My mother was always frankly very severely mentally  ill and nothing but nothing changed that no matter what anyone did around her.  She did indeed, lie, manipulate and divide anyone around her until the end of her days and she never lost her penchant for controlling everything and everyone even when it appeared her mind was completely slipping away.  Of course we can believe that something can allieviate the burden of doing everything that is already" unbearable" because all those issues of childhood come up and can't simply be separated out into nice neat parcels and shelved away under serenity.  Sometimes it seems like the choice is shut down or be manipulated but sometimes there are other options like walk through it and feel what is coming up rather than run for the hills.  I am glad I was able to stay the course even though I know it seemed much like an over reaction at times.   Feeling all that fear, grief and anger helped me to be able to accept a reality that I never really wanted to acknowledge and certainly to begin to see the now ex A for what he was, an addict who wasn't remotely interested in recovery.  

For me now I think the task of caring for my mother as she aged was so much like the task of bearing her as a young mother who absolutely couldn't cope on any level.   Needless to say now my mother had been dead for a number of years my two sisters would like to continue the fighting, vicious gossip and compulsive resentment and bittered skewed  jealousy that began when we were toddlers. My elder sister can command everyone do her bidding but I am no longer jumping whenever she demands whatever it is she deems essential.   I still don't much want to accept my two sisters as they are but there are many days when I can and those are the better ones and indeed I don't get bullied, threatened or manipulated in quite the same ways anymore by anyone....     The picture my two sisters have of my mother is still the one we had as children someone we so desperately wanted her to be rather than who she really was.  Their sentimentality, denial and downright rewriting of our common family history used to absolutely destroy, even decimate my serenity and I absolutely could not reconcile it for much of the past few decades.  Nowadays I can let them, my two sisters,  have whatever picture they want because I don't need them to fashion and shape my life anymore but I did need them and crave their understanding most of my life.  I didn't get that option (which I considered so so essential)  but I got to understand where I came from and how I learned to operate and much of that was first hand trying to deal with them as our mother slipped away.  I think we die as we live and my mother died a traumaticly consuming death much the same as she lived taking all kinds of casualties along the way.  This time I wasn't one of them.    I have had  to make a new family for myself  and sometimes that new family was exactly like the one I grew up in and I once again had to leave them while understand why they are so so familiar to me.    And sometimes my family of choice can look respectful, loving and healthy and I hope I can bring more of that into my life but first I had to be wherever I was at the time rather than what I would much rather be. 

I hope you will find a time to give yourself some breaks from the resentment, anger and fear that your family is submerged in. Take time to go to meetings, read recovery books, seek love rather than hate and know the difference between them and find some solace for yourself.    The fact you are in al anon and aware of what you are doing and what your choices are is incredible and requires a diligence not many people have.  I hope you are able to reach out for support, care and understanding through such a very very difficult time

-- Edited by orchidlover on Thursday 25th of October 2012 03:36:35 PM