The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Language of Letting Go (which is not 12-step literature) talked today about not getting hooked into power plays and manipulation by others.
The phone rings. It's my mother's cousin. She called me to do a power play - it was totally obvious. Insane, actually.
I wish I handled it better. I lied and said someone was at the door and I'd call her back. I just couldn't think because I'm tired.
These are great opportunities to practice recovery tools.
So I guess I needed a long pause today. When I call her back later I'll let her continue with her completely obvious manipulation (that she and I have already gone through before - she knows what she's doing and wants to see if I'lltake the bait) - and I'll just tell her lightheartedly, "You know, I actually have to hang up now. I hope you enjoy your night. Take care." And as she desperately tries to talk and keep me hooked on the phone, I'll just hang up like I said I was gonna.
If I don't do this, I won't sleep. It affects my self-esteem. People can be such a--holes.
Thanks for your share. I came to the board today after spending time thinking about manipulations and power plays and how I would like to do things differently- so that I won't feel effected or get hooked into them as much as I do. I'm such a late bloomer in learning self-care. You're not alone.
Thanks bud. I was pretty irritated earlier too, but like you I'm finding my way out.
Mostly what I realize is that if folks don't have 12-step recovery how can they know what they just don't know? So I have to be tolerant, patient and honest. It's hard doing all that at once!
I too had a hard time today with someone who was trying to bait me, but I worked my program and even smiled when I realized that I wasn't going to let her win today. Glad you are working your program. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
You did a good job taking care of yourself. We don't have to show up for every fight just because we're invited to. You could have reacted but instead you respected her and yourself just got off the phone. I like the way you took your personal power back and decided "game over." Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Well thanks folks but now I just did another thing. WTH is going on in the world??? People are dying for relief. They come to me, too! I have that adult child vulnerability and have always been a doormat. There was a time when God and I were so solid together but I lost it...it got harder again, and that's normal.
Today my mother's cousin's ex-husband (who some relative "suggested" be my friend - THAT'S where I went wrong), he's an addict white-knuckling it with no program, wrote on my FB page, "Enough of these posts about..." (a subject I enjoy). It's something he knows my and my family are passionate about and it was just plain rude. I posted in response, "I will post anything I want on my personal FB page. Only those who can be respectful towards me and others are invited to comment here."
Do you think that was too harsh? It will probably invite in more crap from him and others. *sigh* it's a jungle out there!
Well thanks tiredtonight for the support. My heart tells me I should have used humor! I could have too if I paused long enough. Now it's about not beating myself up.
I can definitely relate to the issue of having peoples actions affect certain chords of my being. I have long searched for the perfect solution, the ideal response and the ability to regroup. Sometimes it is there and sometimes it isn't. What a difficult grid we have ourselves on. There are certain people who I have had to learn to give a wide berth. My biological family was one of them. Indeed sometimes i think when someone is breaching my boundary that my siblings are there in full relief once again. I am no longer in middle school however. I know full well I didn't get to have a family who guided me through this process. I also know that over time I can get to places of accepting people for what they are rather than what kind of magic i can produce to get them to see what they need to be for me. I do indeed think there is a great recovery in being able to observe myself in certain situations and at other times feel its okay to let msyelf be and just let go. I no longer have the perfect answer to looking at why someone is as they are. For me there are limits to being manipulated and feeling invaded these days for some of them that means a cease fire. I merely stop interacting with certain people if I can do anything about it. I used to be livid about that I had a long hiatus from being in contact with my natural family then I tried having a relationship with them and learned maybe it was a good thing. These days I don't actually wear the fact that I do not speak to them at all on my sleeve as I once did and certain people cannot provoke me into feeling ashamed about it.
Learning where our vulnerable spots are is so so key to learning how to forgive, love and understand ourselves. Unfortunately not much of it is gained through the perfect resposne on time every single time we are challenged.
TT