What do YOU NEED and WANT? - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

What do YOU NEED and WANT?

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

In our last session with the marriage counselor I was asked: what do you need or want from your husband? Honestly, I don't think I was prepared to give a response and so I didn't. Granted, I want him to find real sobriety but I want him to do that for himself, not just to cross off check marks for me. I have an 'idea' of what I need but can't seem to find the right words or proper way to express it. If someone asked you this when you were in the trenches of your marriage(relationship, etc), what would have been or would actually be your response? Why is it so hard for me to come up with the words to express what I need or want? Maybe I think they're too much set in fairy tale land or something, but I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm just wanting respect and honesty, but I don't even know when I'm getting those at this point because of all the lies and broken promises.

On a side note: G and I are up in Sedona, Arizona enjoying some hiking and eating for a quick one night vacation. I ate too much for dinner last night so I think I have enough to fuel me through the hike. I'll be putting pics up on facebook. PM me if you'd like to friend me on FB, too. Oh, and AH used Skype to call us last night from Costa Rica! I didn't answer, I let G talk to him. No offense to AH, but I really would have felt awkward talking to him while he's enjoying a 5 star resort in the rain forest. I mean, what kind of conversation would we have? We're driving back home today and G has 2 friends sleeping over. I'll be wearing ear plugs when I go to bed tonight, LOL! 3 thirteen year old boys......oi, what was I thinking?

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I needed to work together with him to resolve the worst of what was happening to our marriage; he needed to drink. Now I know I want a partner, not to be the wife who does all the wife things. A partner that sits down and talks about even normal things, discussing what needs to get done and who has the time, knowledge and inclination to do it; divying up the work so we both put in the same effort to keep the house clean, yard mowed, etc.. Sure no one loves cleaning the toilet but shouldn't that be a shared responsibility when both parties are working (oh yeah, he wasn't working but still the housework was my job?)

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

While I was in the marriage I needed him to see and say I was right and that .. well .. he needed to do things MY way or hit the highway. He made the decision to go. LOL .. didn't take rocket science to see that one coming. I also wanted and needed to work together in the relationship as well, I got thrown to the wolves so to speak because it was just me making decisions while he made the decision to check out in a different way. Just like LMH .. he needed to drink and hide. I can't be in a marriage or relationship like that again.

I really like what LMH shared about the whole being a partner .. I don't want or need to be someone's wife again .. I have children so I'm their mom. I don't need/want a man-child however I don't want to be someone's princess either. I need to be a whole person so I can give what I want from a relationship. I want to have a whole person who is in the relationship because they want to be not because there's nothing better going on. And can we say prenup? I won't be getting married without one of those ever ever again.

Hugs P :)

dragonflys · Senior Member

My husband would ask me all the time what I wanted/needed from him. It was hard for me to pinpoint exactly what I wanted. My husband would do the household chores, but refused to clean the bathrooms and hated washing dishes. I compromised with that and did those things. He didnt work either....but I compromised.

I think back now with a clear mind and realize what I wanted was someone that was a good positive male role model for my children. One that was engaged in our family life. A partner that wanted to same goals and had the same values. One that treated ALL of us with respect, courtesy and dignity.

I can so relate to how you feel ilovedogs. It was very hard for me to express what I wanted to my husband. He wanted specifics. I couldnt think clearly on what those specifics were and he didnt think he was doing anything wrong.

dragonflys

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for the replies. Honestly, I keep giving this so much thought lately, that it's got me going in circles. I do know one thing: I want a partner who will NOT use my past experiences against me or who will shame me for them, who can actually feel and express empathy and compassion, and who I can trust will take my feelings and validate them. I have noticed that AH sees weakness as a sin in humans and I have learned through the years to keep my weaknesses to myself and I'm honestly tired of circumventing and playing defense all the time and then wondering when he's going to find the holes in my defense and expose them, using them against me. Does that make sense? Then, I'm also touched by another question: can my AH even change? Is he capable of changing his very personality that has developed over time? Even if he quits drinking and gets involved in AA, his personality is quite toxic, so maybe my wants and needs are too big for him? Maybe I am asking too much from someone who just plain old isn't capable of giving of himself; not because he doesn't want to but truly because he doesn't want to learn how or can't. UGH!!! I need to take a nap, LOL!

Icie · Senior Member

I wanted a husband that had sobriety, respected himself, had morals & values, so he could treat ALL of us with respect, courtesy and dignity. A friend & partner to share the home, children & responsibilities together.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

ILD - when you get time, you might want to follow up that question by writing it in your journal. Maybe it's easier to say "What do I want in a husband" instead of thinking what do you want in/from "Him." I suspect you are hitting some stumbling blocks cuz you may think of something and then dismiss it cuz it's not something you think he can ever be or it sounds impractical. From an outsiders view I can see a few things that mean a lot to you.

1. Trust (in the form of doing what he says he will do and showing good judgment)
2. Loyalty (meaning don't switch out on you and make you the enemy whenever things don't go his way)
3. Maturity (to set a good example for your son and to be a masculine leader rather than a whiny brat)
4. Sensitivity (to respect your feelings and not use them as weapons against you)

I have talked to you and read your posts in which you have described him as sometimes romantic, sometimes witty, smart, faithful, and several other decent qualities. It would seem that the drinking magnifies the bad and shadows the good. That is the whole purpose of the 12 steps. Alcoholism (or codependeny/drugs...whatever reason a person goes to 12 step groups) will consume us to the point of all our good qualities being minimized (assets) and our bad ones getting exaggerated (character defects). I'm thinking you want recovery for your husband so badly just so that he can move back in the direction of his character assets and the the overblown defects that have emerges as a result of his untreated alcoholism.

I know this was heady and a bit presumptuous. I hope it helps in some way though.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I needed someone who was fully present in the marriage. Not someone who pretended to be present but was practicing deception and not really available. Of course he would reduce this to silly little specifics: "But I was home for dinner most days!" Yeah, but if I wanted to talk to you, you were in another zone of reality. Of course a person full of denial didn't understand what was missing. The marriage was working for him -- he got what he needed, which was to practice his addiction in comfy circumstances. For me, not so much.

It sounds as if you're taking good care of yourself over there in Sedona! Enjoy your great hike!

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

I was reading though some relationship advice on dr. Phil's website today. One thing is he said to ask yourself is " what is being in this relationship costing me?" If you have lost yourself then the cost is too high. Personally if I'm stressed and sad and hurt its not good to be in the relationship. And I hope not to encounter such a relationship in the future ( like my last one) but if I do I know I will be more prepared to walk away because the cost is too high for me.

stephaniej · Senior Member

ILD, I could have written that second post myself. It sounds like our AHs are very, very similar...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't like the question myself. Needs and wants are two very different things! So it is more what do you need from him? What do you want from him?

Since the disease robbed me,when I buy anything, or want to bring home anything, my thought is needs only. I rarely allow myself wants.

If I thru away everything that had holes in it, I would not have much. seriously. Used to dig thru thrift stores for good quality stuff.

Cannot afford it now. But pretty soon it will be a need.

If I had a husband, I would need him to not leave me. Since no one can promise you that, I hide from men at all.

I need him not to every yell at me or attack me, attack the problem or issue,not me.

Wants are a hard one for me. I would want him to always love me.

wow I can think of needs but not wants so easy. What does it all mean? HEY give me your boys! I had my sons friends live me when they turned12-13 when their parents could not deal with them! lol Went on till he moved out, well was given a little push...

enjoy they grow up too fast. better they want to be at your house. Hide your keys, my dumb boys stole my new pick up and took it up on the tressle and got stuck on the railroad tracks....turkeys love to tell me all the stunts they pulled now tht the are in their mid 30's. My mother would say: Thats why Mothers get grey....hugs hon.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand what Debilyn is saying here. Yes, wants and needs are different. My body needs food and water, but I want a steak dinner tonight, LOL.

Greenergrass posted the Dr Phil quote and if I had asked that question of myself 15 years ago, 10 years ago, 5 years ago, etc I would have gotten the same answer. This relationship cost me myself. But, I allowed it to happen. I just didn't have the capacity for arguing or for making my points valid with AH, he always had to win at all costs and prove he was better than everyone else. I got lost in all of it because I was so unfamiliar with how to handle someone so angry and narcissistic and I was constantly trying to adapt and change to fit the mood of the day. So, in the process I lost myself. If I was really honest with myself, I'd say that I knew this before I married him but my self esteem was so low because of the things my dad said to me and because of how AH was treating me, that I didn't feel I deserved better. I felt like this was my one shot at happiness and that I should take it. I loved AH when I married him, but I think it was a sick love based on codependent fears of being alone, etc. And, I do still love him today, just not in the same way. Things change, time heals some wounds but there always seems to be new ones and I always feel like I'm trying to heal from his abuse or lies or whatever. I'm just having one of those days, LOL.

stephaniej · Senior Member

I also think it is a very common tendency for codependent people to have an extremely difficult time identifying their own wants and needs.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

When I first came into recovery, my first response to "What do you like?" was "I dunno. Whatever you like." It took years to figure out what I really liked on my own and who I was separate from others. It's an ongoing thing too.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the benefits of being an enabler for me is that my life is simply a group life and I like the group life the unselfish life. I also know that there are times too (not all the times) where I can and will make choices for myself only...kinda, sorta special choices and then I still in the group. It's okay for me to participate in what others want for the moment...it's okay as long as that participating doesn't again lead me into the reason why I "needed" the Al-Anon Family Groups. Strange that this comes from a person who is naturally a loner...a do my own thing guy...when I want, how I want and that's not selfish that is working my own journey. What do I want? to continue to be serene and happy...that state of peace and satisfaction with peace which I learned to achieve in the groups. There are many things I will not do because the consequences of doing them take that peace of mind and serenity away. I don't try to force another person to live by my choiceso and I don't take that first drink. What do I need? I need to be around people who believe and practice that same awareness...and for that I am extreemly grateful.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Your tag line reads Struggling to find me .. and just like Steph has stated as a co-dependent that it's really hard to identify a need and a want what the difference is between the two. I listen to others share that they want a relationship and in my mind I hear they need a relationship .. i know inventory taking .. lol .. however it's just my take on a situation or my perception. I don't want to need a relationship. I want to be part of something bigger if that makes sense. Needing to be in a relationship to fight off being lonely doesn't sound appealing and I think it's something I have been guilty of doing. Someone said to me recently I'm sorry you are going through a divorce and I smiled and said don't be because I'm not sorry. This door is closing, it's hell in the hallway, .. I wouldn't have it any other way. I mean if I had to choose in staying in a relationship as it was or risking being alone and staying that way .. I'll take the risk. He did me such a favor and things are going so good. Not always easy .. however they are going good and I have never been so happy. I really mean that.

I also very much identify with both of what Pink and Jerry shared .. someone recently asked me what I like to do .. I laughed and said darn it if that's not the million dollar question as of late .. what do I like to do? What do I want for lunch in a group of people is challenging enough sometimes it's just easier to say whatever you like sounds good. I find it to be part of a bigger copout of not wanting to take personal responsibility for that million dollar question though. Like Jerry I like being on my own and doing my own thing whatever that is .. I started burning again around here .. LOL .. I know that sounds like a common practice in the past year and I enjoy that .. hmm .. maybe that's not a good hobby to get into .. however I really like to do it. At least there is no wiskey truck to test my self control .. lol. I feel like I accomplish something and it feels good to work outside even if it's cold at the moment. When I'm doing it I like the feeling of being alone. Serenity when I can get it is bliss. It comes in bigger waves I wouldn't have that if I were doing what I was doing this time last year.

Gratitude in abudance .. hugs P :)

BlueCloud · Senior Member

This is a great thread! I wanted to add my ESH.

As someone who struggles with my codependence, when I have been in a relationship and asked myself this question it has led to an endless circle argument and bargaining. I have wanted/needed something, but then quickly decided my partner wasn't able to give it to me due to their own limitations. Or, I asked for it and my partner for various reasons went into why they couldn't/wouldn't give it to me.

The relationship wasn't working. BUT I couldn't see that. I was caught in an endless cycle of bargaining-asking-being turned down- arguments. I was in that relationship 7 years.

For ME, what I realized is that I had to stop asking what I needed/wanted from the other person and start asking myself what do I need/want period. And, what do I need/want from myself.

It was like part II of detachment. I had to detach myself from having my wants/needs dependent on a specific person. For ME, I wasn't able to get better until I turned the focus totally and completely on myself.

So, I ask you what I now ask myself: What do I want? What do I need? What do I want from myself? What do I need from myself?

For me, I often added time delimters so it was FAR less intimidating. What do I want this morning? What do I want today, September 15th, etc.

I began to build a life from simple things: oatmeal, a walk, visits with a friend.

The other thing that helps me is I split a paper into four squares and I label them mental, physical, social, spiritual. Then I put what I currently have in each category and see what might be missing. I have used this technique millions of times and it REALLY helps me. So, if on a Monday morning I do this inventory and see there is nothing in the social category I call a friend or make a coffee date. If I see there is nothing in the physical column, I go to the gym or take a stroll in the park.

I use quiet time a lot to get in touch with what do I really want. It helps me though to say, what do I want from this day, rather than what do I want from this situation or what do I want from this person. As a codependent, I find that when I tie what I want to a person I get entangled, confused, and I am in a never-ending catch-22.

Since that 7-year relationship, I spent 5 years alone and REALLY got to know myself. What I like, what I don't. It took experience. It took LIVING to really decide how I wanted to live. I only wish I started sooner. In a relationship or not in one, it is never to late to LIVE.

BlueCloud

OZ Amplexd · Newbie

I can remember the feelings when I was stuck with my A. Yes you are lost and consumed with the futility of everything. Jerry on a previous post here almost mentioned.------------------- Peace-----------------Serenity--------------------------- I remember my first f2f group meeting. Being slightly disappointed cos nothing would cure my pain, loss of dreams, ect , ect. You miss the core of this program. The path and destination of your own personal journey. Peace and serenity. Live each day with the serenity prayer in your mind. Say it till you start living it. I hope we all find it. Huggs. ((((( ))))))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.