The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok, so the AH got that I did not have a great day. I had told her on the phone (she was addimant and asked) that I was not comfortable with her drinking at all. She said "So now things have changed and you don't want me to drink at all." I replied that the decision was hers to do what she wanted to do, I did not control her and it was up to her. (Yes, the words were right but I think she and I both knew as soon as I said them what I wanted.) She said "I won't drink this weekend but the cookout Saturday afternoon with your fitness group I'm not going, you can go by yourself. Should I just drop that and on Saturday if she says I told you I'm not going, say ok and go alone? My thought is yes. If she comes home tomorrow evening and opens the wine (cause its the weekend) just let it be and ignore it?
She got home and luckily, our grandson was with us for the evening (he is 1 year old). We both love that boy more than life itself. Him being around tends to ease the confrontational mood. So the evening went ok from here but there was a little uneasy tension. I later told her that I wanted to be honest with her and that the meeting I went to today was Al-Anon. She asked what it was and I told her it was for family members who have someone in the family with an alcohol or drug problem. She said "So you think I have an alcohol problem." I said I did. She said "Well, you are wrong I don't but if it makes you feel better to go." I didn't answer at all. We went up to bed shortly after and while she seemed to act ok felt like there was tension on her end. I asked if she was mad she said no. And here I am with insomnia and she is sleeping.
Talking about doing something for myself (some have suggested that.) I may decide to take tomorrow off from work on my own to work on me. Thanks for the advice and everyone listening. The day has been really low but tomorrow is a new one. I would say can't get much worse than this but afraid to say so.
I think it sounds like you used a lot of the tools you have learned here (and hopefully in your meetings/literature). Be kind and gentle with yourself. It has been two years since I found this group, and I still regress and make mistakes all the time. Try to focus on how far you've come, instead of worrying about how far you have to go.
As for the weekend, try (and I know this is hard) to focus on yourself and your choices. If there is an event you want to go to, and your AW says she doesn't want to go...fine. You go and have a good time! If your wife goes, but drinks while there, try very hard to focus on yourself, and whatever conversation you are having, and enjoying the people you are with.
I think different people will give you different stories of experience on the question of what to do when your AW starts drinking. For me, it depends on the day and where I'm at in my serenity. But I always, always try to keep my attitude grounded in what is best for ME, not what I want to do as a not-so-subtle way to try to shame my AH into not drinking. Some nights that means I can sit with him on the couch while he has a beer or two, and talk. Other nights that means I kiss him good night, and go upstairs to use the computer, or read, or watch a movie. My choice on any given night is a function of what is going to keep me calmest and most serene. More often than not, it involves removing myself from the room completely, but that is largely because there is often a potential for verbal abuse.
Keep working your program. You are making progress! You are worth it!
(((hdftby))) Just for now remind yourself you are a "newbie" a brand new, willing to know and learn...newbie. We all started from nowhere and over time with commitment and patience and the willingness to sit and be taught we grew and healed. That is how it happens. Worries, fear, confusion, anxiety, resentment and a couple other things that wreck serenity put me into insomnia last evening also and I woke up sleep depraved and sooooo screwed. I coulda, shoulda done some program tool work I know and didn't...instead I relied on a sleep inhancer and got up to my day in an unhealthy condition. I wasn't a team worker today. I was a sick putz staying to myself and my HP (finally) and working until there was no energy left. Somedays I'm a newbie because for me that is a consequence of going back to old behaviors which have never worked and not going to the ones that do.
Hang on to MIP and Al-Anon and what you have here....be patient...you didn't get to this time over night and you won't get thru it overnight also. Let your wife have her disease...her flu...her cold...her whatever you want to call it and accept that she isn't drinking against you or because she wants you upset...she's just drinking because that is what the disease says she is suppose to do. Don't take her disease personally. Now I know that is all Greek to you for the moment and it was to me when I was in your place...however with the tools of persistence, patience, willingness and commitment and open minded listening and practice and all of that other "tool" stuff I came to understand. You will to...in fact you already are coming to understand. Al-Anon is yours...for you. Practicing her alcoholism is for her. She isn't responsible for your happiness and serenity...that's your job.
I read your post, and it sounds to me like you had about as good a night as could be expected.... you "planted the seed", as in - she likely KNOWS she has a problem, and now she knows YOU know she has a problem..... 'nuff said.
Good on ya
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
No more I can add than these two fantastic people have already said...You are doing great! Don't be hard on yourself, what you have done by telling wife is an amazing step, you have admitted that you see the huge elephant in the room!
I love that you posted about maybe taking the day off it shows you are thinking of your needs and the only way at the beginning is to give you some you time.
Take good care of you and good luck on your own road to recovery.
Simone x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
I don't think you did anything "wrong." Relationships are messy sometimes and what alcohol does to a relationship is definitely messy. If you were measuring success by whether or not she would say "OMG!! Honey, I can't believe I was in such denial! I am so ashamed. I'm going to AA tomorrow! SMOOCH." Well....that's unlikely. And even when that does happen, the promises are empty a lot of the time.
I guess my point is that you not hang your mood or happiness on her reactions and her drinking. This is about you. Actually Alanon is for persons affected by another's drinking. Whether or not she has an alcohol problem is not written in stone and that is why you'll get denial up til it's so obvious she has a problem...
You have made a good start. You stated some boundaries and some feelings without totally trying to control. Look for a sponsor next. In your mind you are still obsessing about this situation and her drinking. You are allowing it to have more power than it should over you. That's natural and you are making good progress. Learning to let go is a skill and that will come with more meetings, sponsorship, and the steps.
The answers don't lie in whether or not your accept, ignore, confront, discuss the drinking. The goal is for you to feel serene and confident regardless of what she does. There will never be one standard way of responding that is "right or wrong."
I always thought I was doing something wrong around the former A boyfriend. Actually I was doing a lot right. It really depends on what your expectations are. For me getting to that I cannot control the alcoholic is so key. If I am trying to control them I am lost.
I have been down the road of trying to tell someone about their drinking using and know it is an uphill struggle. I think the book Getting them Sober is so so key because expectations are everything. Please try to get a copy.
