NEED ADVICE - Al-Anon Family Group

ember127 · Newbie

NEED ADVICE

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Ember,

I've always liked the saying "nothing changes if nothing changes". It's going to be up to you to change the dynamics and make your own boundaries. Feel free to decide at what point you and your son will leave the situation. No, you don't need to adapt to his drinking and bad behavior. You have choices. It can be fairly simple. If you continue to leave everytime you see his behavior escalating, either you will always be leaving or he will stifle his bad behavior while you and your son are there. If that doesn't work out, I'm sure there are other ways that your Mom could visit with your son.

Christy

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Ember and welcome to the MIP family. You sound qualified as a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups and you can find the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book. Find the number and call to see when and where we get together in your area.

Sounds like your Dad has been at it for a very long time and has given you the message that he will not be stopping anytime soon. What Christy mentioned about "nothing changes" is right on except when the changes start coming from you and your family. If your little one was handled abusively I'd make other plans about visitation as your Dad continues to drink. This is a fatal disease and the disease has no preference as to how and who and how many it takes down. Love your Mom and Dad -and- your own family. Keep them safe.

Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't feel you over reacted. This is your son and it's your prerogative. Over time, family's and spouses of alcoholics tend to minimize the outbursts and absurd behaviors (like you stated your mom does). I'd be inclined to think you probably have been socialized to do that too and are only acting different now because you want different for your son. Keep your husband in on the discussion. He's a 3rd party that did not grow up in the home. You guys have to set out boundaries with your dad together. Could be just like you did in this situation. He can visit but if your dad starts in on you with angry tirades you leave. If he starts in on your son with screaming at him over things you don't agree with, you leave. Taking emotional abuse so that someone else can have a relationship with the abusive person is not okay. Right now you are the guardian of your son and if your father wants a relationship, he can respect your boundaries.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Well said Mark, I can only add that IF you stay with unacceptable behavior going on, you are teaching your son to accept the unacceptable; teaching him how he should let others treat him. Who knows what continuously walking away from your dad as soon as abusive behavior starts to show will do to him, show him there are consequences to HIS behavior and maybe make him choose a different path to be able to be with your son. I walk away from someone who lights up a cigarette because I choose not to breathe in the smoke; you walk away from the negative behavior because you choose not to partake of the misery.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

thank goodness you got your child out of there. If you go back, I hope you will leave when your father starts to get that look on his face, or starts getting short with any of you. I hope your child doesn't get yelled at twice.
"He does this every holiday season." How stressful that must be. How stressful it must be starting now, wondering what your father is going to pull this year, if given the chance.
I wonder if you and your husband will decide not to give him that chance with you and your precious little charge this year.
I think being exposed at a young age to someone who is alternately charming and hurtful sets up a potentially harmful dynamic in the psyche of a little person.
I didn't like the way Grandpa spoke to you. You did nothing wrong. He's getting a time-out.
Unless he has made your mother a prisoner, she can come and see you, right?
I am all for fashioning a surrogate family if the family of origin is unhealthy--especially where children are concerned. There are other people around who can fill the grandparenting role--they may not have grandchildren of their own or theirs may live far away. You could take your son and go and visit older people in Assisted Living or a nursing home.
Good luck. It is so great to read how you are making a better life for your child.
Taking care of him, however that looks, it what is fair for him.
The grownups have choices. He can't make his own right now. Good for him he has you and your husband to make good ones for him.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I love everyones truths here.

Good for you for caring for your kiddo! I always say the same thing, if that were not your parents would you want your son influenced by them?

A drunk is a drunk, a co dependant is that, whether they are a loved one or not.

We cannot change others.

How wonderful you and your husband have a quiet real home for you and your son!!! love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.