The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am currently trying to start, (still ongoing!!) my personal inventory. And I noticed, with the hint of my sponsor, that I wasn't completely 'fearful' yet to do that. I hadn't noticed before. Actually I am full of fear to write down those truths on paper I already know or noticed about myself. My sponsor said, as I expressed my fears, that if I had fully accepted step 3, there should be no issue with fear anymore. I should go easy on myself, but I feel like a complete failure. Maybe also because I didn't let go completely, and let myself constantly (still) affect by my ABF attitudes, that can be sometimes too selfish, to self-centered, too blaming, and just not enough caring. Why this is still affecting me, and why can I not preoceed to taht personal inventory?
because I know that I am craving affection, since childhood I have the feeling I never got enough,
I am manipulative
I am a 'boyfriend pleaser', thus my reserve when it comes to relationships, because I feel my life is much more loose and easy and free when functioning on my own (is that selfish?)
I am scared I am focused so much on self-development, that I cannot really see anymore where other people suffer or need assistance (though i always thought I am a good friend) but for the ABF this is never enough, so he makes me really doubt if I have any talent in compassion for others.
I have little self-esteem, and the the one that I have managed to construct over the past years stands still on loose grounds. The ABF is one of those people being able to crumble all fof it in 2 sentences.
I feel terrified, discovering that I might have been selfish all along. There is so much suffering and struggle in my memory, and not only do I beat myself up for my past mistakes, but I find it normal that others critizise me too, when all I could wish for for a looong time was a shoulder to rest my head on from time to time. Now that I'm with my ABF, now this is never gonna happen, because as soon as i feel a little enthusiastic about the events in my life, he manages to break my mood , to put me down, instead of me just detaching and leaving his problems and issues on his side of the street.
I remember for example I used to enjoy making presents to friends for birthdays, faerwells..., the personal ones, specifically adjusted to the persons likes and personality. not because I specially wanted to please them, at that time I honestly thing I wasn't manipulative. At that time I really enjoyed to see the surprise and joy in a face, really touching them, seeing them. Nowadays, for a longer time already, i am unable to do that. Because I feel resentment, I came to believe that giving is stupid....!!!my thinking has become manipulative.
Today I feel disconnected to the world around me, I had a trip planned starting from today, just for myself, it got cancelled, it is like it isn't supposed to happen...more resentment..can't even do a thing for myself...self-pity Hello!
My ABF, of course instead of lifting me up, is happy, laughs at me, and ignores me to let me sink into despair even more..and it is working.... self-disappointment and self-doubt Hello!
so where is my place, where is the care...i feel isolated, I knwo what would do me good, but it is not possible in this place right now..So what to do...days like this i feel like I cannot breathe, and the world around me feels hostile..., i am ruled by expectations-disappointments....
I know it is progress, not perfection. As positive an outlook I had over the last days, as negative it strikes me today. I know it is getting better if I continue working my programm....just days like this, what to do. It's a struggle, and I need a healthy holiday and a HUG.
wouldn't mind any ESH share on this subject. Thanks
Your share was certainly a wonderful start at a fearless 4th Step Inventory. Congratulations.!!! I remember my first 4th Step was done with a great deal of "Fear" That fear was based on exactly what you describe. Low self esteem, afraid that I would really discover I was worthless and unworthy of love or any goodness. I am glad I forged ahead and worked thru the Step. It was pointed out that my good points held just as much validity as the negative ones and that I should list them as well because my recovery was going to be built on these assets. I am glad you see that you are generous , kind and giving. You love giving with no thought of getting. That asset has been distorted by the disease of alcoholism You will recover that as you recover your true self
Keep writing and looking inward Doing the 4th Step finally gave me permission to be human so that I no longer had to be perfect. Keep writing. You are wort h it.
Oh wow, I could have written your post. I am getting ready to start step 4 myself and as ready as I feel for it, I also wonder what will come about in my own thinking and in my own codependent mind. My AH is leaving today for his Costa Rica work trip and I feel angry that it seems like he's being rewarded for all his bad behavior this past year while I stay home and tend to our son and the house and the cars, etc. Yet, I chose this because I didn't want to go on vacation with someone who can tear down my self-esteem in 2 sentences(like you stated above). Isn't it amazing how 1 person can have so much influence in our lives and can hurt us so deeply?
Lifting you up today in my thoughts and sending you a virtual hug. I know the feeling, but I also know that 'this too shall pass' and that there will be brighter days to come!
You just did half of your inventory right there. The only thing your sponsor means about doing step 3 completely is that you should trust this process now, trust alanon, and trust your higher power. Yeah you have fears....Some fear based thinking will continue but it will lessen as you grow and change in the program.
Tortuga, people pleasing is a defect and an asset at times. My people pleasing has paid off for me at work and in relationships multiple times, but it only becomes a defect when I do it to the extent of overextending myself and hinging my self-esteem on the response of others.
Not all your "defects" are just pure defects. They all have flip sides that are assets. Your task is just to identify when these behavior traits become maladaptive and make you sick. So really you can be excited about this process because it's all about keeping the good and minimizing the bad.
Refer back to step 3 and expecially the step three prayer:
"God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
Essentally, you are laying yourself out like clay and telling your HP to mold you. It's not scary. It's beautiful. You are saying in step 3. "My way is busted. You steer me now."
Hence, from this point on, you have something much more powerful than your ABF to turn to with your moods and vulnerabilities. You can trust in the process of healing and let go. With the help of your HP, you will now progress into Step 4, gain insight (which you seem to already have) into yourself and truly trust your HP to help you change.
I can only think of one exercise that might help you before you progress further: Perhaps journal why you are afraid of change. What would happen if you changed to be more the person you want to be? What will happen if you don't? For me, I knew that if I changed, I might not need or want my boyfriend anymore....that turned out to be true. I was deathly afraid of becoming self-sufficient because I equated that to being alone. Once I got over that misconception, I was really able to let recovery work and let my HP mold me into the person I wanted to be.
I am excited for you! This is going to be a good thing. You are about to face some issues, walk through them, and emerge a much more healthy and functional adult. Breathe deep and move foward!!
I am very similar to you and am reading a book called Codependency and the Power of Detachment, it is REALLY making sense and helping me a great deal! I have ordered the principal book on the issue (Codependent No More by Melody Beattie) and I know it will make a world of difference to the way I view myself and my relationships, perhaps it could help you too. (((((((tortuga)))))))
