The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was referred to join an Alanon group to learn how to cope with the (drug) addiction of my mother. I've been trying to muster up the confidence to walk into a meeting but for some reason I am finding that harder to do than I thought. I don't want to do it alone, I suppose. I thought randomly, maybe; just maybe there is an online group that I can join so I searched on Google and here I am!
I don't know where to start...but anyways here goes: I'm a 25 year old happily married mom of 2 little boys; 2 1/2 years old and a newborn. I'm also the only child daughter of a heroin addict. Ashamed to say it, but I am. We've never really had a relationship; you know that strong mother-daughter bond that nothing can get between. We've never really been close. She's always chosen other things over me ever since I can remember. I'm 25 now and it hasn't changed. In fact, her addictions have gone up the ladder and only gotten worse. I struggle with a lot of anxiety, stress and fear that a lot of stems from my mother. I often ask "what did I do to deserve this" or..."maybe if I had done this differetly". I hate that I can not help her as much as I have tried. I can't understand why myself and her 2 precious grandchildren are not more important? I wonder why can't she be there for me in good times and bad times; to support me (like when I was pregnant both times etc.)? I won't go on forever, though.
I'm just CONFUSED!! I don't know what to do; continue to beg and plead and try to "be the mother" to her...basically babysitting her to get her on a good path...or give up? I don't know how to learn how to accept this...or if that's what I'm even supposed to do?
Thanks for reading and I sure do appreciate any and all help! <3
WELCOME! For me personall i love the online boards but nothing beats the face to face meetings! I am also 25 years old my mother took up addictions after i was older so i do know the type of boat you are in. Another thing that i have been suggested to try out which i will pass along to you is Nar-Anon, which is Al-Anons sister program for those of us who have people with narcotic addictions in our lives.
You have made a great first step in looking for recovery! In my experience i have found it much easier in my life to stop trying to "help" my addicts and alcoholic friends relatives etc. Some times what we feel is help may actually hinder them from finding the real help that they need (possibly in the form of recovery!)Our well meaning help may stop them frim hitting the bottom they need to get better. All you can do is take care of you and not do for her what she can do for herself.
One thing i have done is when i talk to my mother if she seems like she has been drinking or using i will not talk with her. I tell her " i do not feel comfortable talking to you while you are impared so i will let you go" i say i love you and i hang up. It is what i have to do to keep my serenity. I can not make her stop, i did not cause her to start (no matter what she tries to make me believe) and i can not cure her. All i can do is lover her and pray for her.
For me as i learn more about detachment i know that i will use it as my lifeline with her and you may find the same solution or one completely different :)
Welcome, Samantha, and I'm glad you have found us. One way to get your "feet wet" on meetings is to try the meetings online here. But there is also nothing like having a face-to-face group of people in your own community, so I'll hope you'll try that too. They say to try six because they're all different, and if the first one doesn't fit well, the second may.
I'm sure everyone here has had that practice in trying to make the addict/alcoholic into the person we yearn for them to be. And it really would be better for them if we could help them. But the way addiction is, they have to come to that realization in their own time. So continuing to try to urge them to be the person we want just drives us crazy. One expression for it is "going to the hardware store for bread." Because what we want just isn't available.
The good news is that we can learn new tools to make our own lives better, and those tools actually help increase the chances that the addict/alcoholic will choose recovery. There are no guarantees about that -- addiction is a very powerful force. But the very least thing that happens is that our lives are transformed.
I hope you can read through threads on this board, find a meeting, get some of the literature, eventually find a sponsor ... the path forward really does lead to miracles. And I hope you'll keep coming back.
Welcome Samantha. I remember how frightening it was for me to go to those first meetings. This was many years ago, after I had moved over 3,000 miles from anyone I knew. I learned there were Al-Anon meetings for gay people in my new town. (I am not gay.) I went to those at first, thinking I would not know anyone. Hello? Nobody knew me anyway! I sat and cried through the first many meetings. My Kleenex and I attended. Slowly, I got better. Maybe one thing a week got through my brain each week, and over time I had some tools to re-shape my attitude. (Eventually I had to "come out" to my group.) LOL
Whatever it takes, I encourage you to find a group you're comfortable with and show up. It saved my life.
Aloha Samantha and welcome to the board also. Face to Face meetings in the Al-Anon Family Groups gave me my life back and then I had to get there on purpose first. I made two attempts...I came apart at the seams on the first attempt which had nothing to do with them. I was simply too insecure, unknowledable and in very deep denial. What finally got me to make serious contact again was that my condition got worse and worse until I was paralyzed and had to be lead back into the rooms by a power greater than myself and my alcoholic/addict. The unconditional love and support by the fellowship is real and really works and you have to get there first...get a chair...sit down...listen with an open mind...get literature and then duplicate that the very next time you can until you have strung many meetings together one day at a time over a period of 90 days. After that period of time you can ask yourself...can this work for me also? Then duplicated it again. Don't let fear hold you back from the rooms of Al-Anon. When you go...take your fear with you. ((((hugs))))
