The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He has continued through the entire weekend. Some of the things he said really hit me to the core. Now I am wondering if the whole, "no phone calls, only text or email" is working for me??? I cant forget what he said, its there in black and white. The phone conversation is fuzzy, I cant remember everything that was said... But the texts that are flowing are easy to read/re-read.
He says the reason why he smoked pot the past 12 years was because he wasnt physically attracted to me. He had to smoke to be with me. Wow, that was pretty harsh. Although I dont believe that I am causing him to do anything...it kinda hurts that your partner for the past 12 years has no physical attraction to you....hmmmm...
If we didnt have a child together, things would be so much more easier. I want out of Crazytown....
I tried to fill my day with my HP, went to church and to a class at the church later in the day.... It is 10:30pm and the texts are still not stopping....
((((dragonflys))))..."Is there an off switch on your telephone"? my former sponsor asked me that question. The question automatically took me in another direction of thinking and acting and I practiced turning off the phone or hanging up if I answered and she was on the other side. "The courage to change the things I can"...at first it took alot of courage because it was my compulsion to engage however the consequences were unacceptable....keep coming back
You can stop the texts if necessary through your phone plan by blocking his number on the days YOU don't need to reach him because of the kids. I know it's hard as well as scary to make that kind of change. Talk it out with your sponsor hon. When you are ready you will take that kind of step as scary as it is and can be.
If he's texting this kind of thing on the phone you can imagine what he'd be saying. No contact may be what is best for the time being. It is for me, each time I can have little to no contact with the STBAX it works much better for me. Ironically he thinks because I don't say anything that the issue is done .. no .. the issue is for the courts to handle and handle it they will.
He can say and text whatever he wants .. the things he says are only true if you believe them. I know that's very hard to put into practice when someone is being straight up cruel. It IS the disease that is ranting, the disease is furious you took away control from it .. even though the reality is the control is just an illusion.
I'm soooo sorry that things are so rough at the moment. Keep the texts just don't look at them because if he starts threatening you .. call the domestic violence hotlines and find out if you can get some kind of TRO.
Hugs,
P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
There have been other posts about poo-flinging on here in the past. This sounds just like a caged animal flinging poop. Be sure to duck so none of it hits you.
Obviously you are a beautiful person. It shows in your posts and your caring for others. Deep breath. Look in the mirror and say "I am a child of God and I'm beautiful." Move on from there :)
Of cours that's just a suggestion...but you get the gist.
Dragonflys, have you read some of my posts about the things my AH has said to me when stone cold sober? He told me that every time we have s*x he thinks I'm going to report him as a rapist(for the past 20 years of us being together!!!). Just because I was a rape victim, that must mean I will call the police and report him. They say the craziest things to dump their pain on us, and I know it's hard to take. Honestly, it sucks. I can't remove the words from my brain or memory, even though it took him almost 2 months to apologize.
Positive affirmations like what Pinkchip suggested have really helped me bolster my self esteem. I refuse to let him take me down with him. Stay strong, turn off your phone, and get to a meeting if you can. If you can't, then come on here and read and read and post. We're here for you!
I've been using the slogan Q.T.I.P. (Quit Taking it Personally) a lot lately with my recovering AH. I haven't heard those "exact" words about intimacy from him, but many similar. I've realized that he is an expert blame-shifter and projectionist...completely unconsciously. It's just how he operates.
"I had to drink/use for 12 years because I am not attracted to you" from my RAH would really mean something more like "I had to drink/use to be intimate with you for the last 12 years because I wasn't "attracted" to (i.e. didn't like) myself".
Please try to remember that what he says probably has a whole lot less to do with you, but is a pretty good indicator of how he feels about himself.
A's love chaos and they love to provoke it. If they can provoke it while casting blame on someone else, it's a double winner for them.
Now just suppose he wasn't attracted to you for all those years. I think that's a load of hooey, but say it was really true. Then who's crazy for getting together in the first place with someone they weren't attracted to? It's also a very clever jibe because it's not something you can change. If he said, "I smoked pot for all those years because you never made dinner for me," that would be equally crazy, but you would have the option of changing and making dinner for him. So it's a really clever way of saying:
I smoke pot because of something that's wrong with you and that you have no power over, meaning that I have every excuse to keep on smoking it until the end of time. Also I'm mad that you won't talk on the phone, because it implies that something is wrong with my habits. So I'm going to blast you any way I can.
But I know that kind of excuse -- boy do I. If somehow that excuse to use is no longer available, another one pops up to take its place.
I've lost track of why you have to be in contact with him at all, but if it's because you have to arrange stuff about kids, maybe your lawyer or someone else involved can lay down stipulations about how and when contact takes place. I know someone else in this situation who did this because the abusive e-mails were outrageous and wouldn't stop. The disease really attacks when it feels defensive.
I like the habit of imagining a big sign that says SICK on his forehead. Also remember that you don't have to read past where the insults start. Maybe you can get a friend to read them for you and just tell you the gist ("He wants the kids at 2:00"). Keep on taking good care of yourself!
I understand a lot of what you are going through. I have been called every repellant name in the book. The "c" word, the "b" word, idiot, white trash, horrible person, horrible mother...you name it, I've heard it. And for this most part, I can ignore those things now. But this morning, my AH called me a name that criticizes my size and personal appearance, and MAN, did it hurt! Devastated me! I'm sure it was so difficult because I have always had low self-esteem about those things, and have never considered myself very attractive. I do believe that he absolutely says the things he knows will hurt me the most, and I totally agree with Wanderer, that these things come out of their mouths as a way to deflect/avoid their disappointment with themselves.
