The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My STBXAH's actions this past week have caused me to lose my serenity. I signed over our home of 25 years to him a week ago Friday in order to be released from the mortgage as a part of our divorce settlement and our court settlement with the mortgage company. On Monday, my divorce lawyer informed me that he submitted papers to the court the day before I signed off on the house which state that he wants half of my net pay, retroactive to when I left him a year and half ago. He also is asking for all of my fine jewelry and all of my collectibles (all of which were gifts). I made the mistake of texting him the following: "Wow, I'm at a loss for words right now." His response?: "Fair is fair."
It was sooooo hard not to react and respond back right away. It's been almost a week since he sent me that message. And I have done a 4th step inventory on this. Here's what I realized.
- He is sick. I tried to "buy bread at the hardward store." That's never going to have a good outcome.
- He is trying to push my buttons and make me angry. I have decided not give him that power. This is in my control.
- I will be okay. He has not tried to get a job. He is staying in a home he cannot afford. He is not cooperating with the court and that will come back to haunt him. As I have read here on this board, he thinks he is above the law, but the truth is, he is not.
- I think I will write out a response to him, but I will not ever send it. I just need to get my reactions out of my head. Responding to him will just escalate the whole thing and will put me back on track to Crazytown. I don't want to revisit Crazytown. There is no peace in Crazytown. I will stay off of the train... one day at a time.
Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better already : )
It sounds as if you have some great recovery going. When my ex A was acting crazy, a friend said, "At least he has never given you cause to regret leaving him." So true! In some ways it's easier if they're completely out of touch with reality, as yours is. I was never tempted to go back for one minute! Whereas my other ex, who could be loving and sweet, was harder -- he'd act all reasonable and sweet and I'd fall under his spell again ... only the sweetness wouldn't last long.
Not to say that it's not hard and infuriating and ridiculous when they behave that way. But your awareness is inspiring.
Green Eyes - I just have to say that I envy your strength in not responding.
I have had a terrible weekend with my soon to be ex. Just craziness. I said some things that I should have kept to myself. I should not have allowed him that power over me.
Good for you! By just not responding, you are staying out of Crazytown in my eyes.
Much love and hugs being sent your way. dragonflys
The really sad thing about all of this is that he texted me the night I signed the papers and wrote, "I still don't know why we are divorcing. I will always love you." This was the day after he submitted the papers to the court! WTH?
And, you know what? At the end of the day, I still love him. I just don't like and can't live anymore with the person he has become because of the disease that has taken over his life. We have a family together and many years of good memories. Now, he is no longer the man I fell in love with over 30 years ago. It is so sad to see what has become of the person who I always thought would be my partner for life.
Ohhh you are sooooo my inspiration in the 3 A's. It is sooo hard not to get caught in the trap of giving them the reaction that is warrented to the situation.
1) You have beautiful Awareness, 2) Accepting the situation as it is 3) Choosing not to have an Action in it regardless of how crazy he is being.
You are soooooo working that program my friend!! He IS a sick man and you don't have go down any path with him, especially in terms of how crazy making it is. Your mental and emotional health are far far far more important. You are valued and loved, it's a shame these sick folks can't see the same things in themselves they don't see the worth or the love that the God of their understanding has for them, let alone the people who have walked through many a fire with them.
Hugs,
P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I could understand how that would hit a raw nerve. If anything, the experience of having an alcoholic spouse is chiefly "UNFAIR!" so to get that response....yeah. Potentially very upsetting.
Hurt people hurt people...Sorry you still have to deal with him.
Excellent work wow! My son's psychiatrist always said something to us while working through my son's issues. He said "always allow yourself the dignity to think before you react". And I always liked that, even with my kids we often think a consequence for a child has to be immediate? Not always true and in fact often not true. I have time to think through.
You took the time to think it through before reacting and probably saved yourself a lot more headache! Bravo.
My ex too thinks he's above the law. He walked into judges chambers without permission and attempted to "trade" his back child support for the debt. IE: he takes all the credit card debt and they wipe out his back child support. Boy did that piss off the judge!!
Anyway kudos to you, hard work but worth it for sure!
I often have friends/relatives come to me with tales of woe about the legal system. While indeed people are the victim of injustices, in situations like yours things almost always work themselves out the "right" way in the end. The wheels of justice just turn slowly. Keep hanging in there, and have faith.
