The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, its so amazing that this board exisits and how helpful everyone is here.
I could really use some help right now.
I have been/was in a relationship for 2 1/2 years with my AGF. I always knew she was an addict. I saw it from very begnining. I even started going to ALANON for a period of time last year, which really helped. There were easily over 20 instances with her using that i can think of off the top of my head that made me very uncomfortable. I recall after one of her serious benders about a year ago I had said how I couldnt tolerate that sort of behavior. I know my actions probally enabled her. I am a fixer, and I was her main support. I got resentful in the last yr b/c I never felt like she was pulling her weight in our relationship. Plus, she was always broke and didnt really seek any sort of employment to at least cover her expenses.
Fast forward to the last 2 1/2 weeks... she came home from a trip, broke up with me, and moved out. I started the no contact approach to just heal myself.
Just this past week, we saw eachother and had a really great open conversation about what went wrong in the relationship. I was finally honest with her and said I never felt safe expressing my concerns in fear of her emotional breakdowns. That i became a shell of a person. She told me that she has admitted she is an alcholic/addict and had started going to AA.
She told me she was leaving to go back east, so these last 3 days we saw eachother. I didnt want to have contact with her, but once she told me she was finally admitting she had a problem I wanted to give her support. I knew she needed it and I really love her.
I am going back to ALANON tomorrow. I guess I am just confused and a bit resentful. It feels like our breakup turned into her starting AA and why didnt she do this when we were together? It took her dumping me to do this?
Throughout the last few days when she was in town, we really communicated and I found out that she was doing alot more drugs and wasnt telling me. I feel like I was jipped in this relationship. Like I was alone in it. It feels that way b/c she admitted she hasnt been sober for 15 years and I realize she was high every day.
I feel bad that she didnt feel safe speaking to me about it. I was judgemental. I didnt approve of her using. I never talked down to her about it. I just always made the choice to dettach when drinking and using came around me.
The bottom line is, there is still so much love between us. Its just confusing b/c we arent together, but we arent broken up either. I have no idea when we will see eachother again. Maybe in a few months but that is debatable.
I fully support her sobriety and finaly working on herself. I know i need to focus on myself too. Which is why I am going back into ALANON. Its just so much information at once.
I just needed to vent and see if anyone out there has similar experiences.
It doesn't help to question yourself or live in the past. It sounds like she has made a decision to go to AA and go in a new direction in her life. That's cause of celebration. She is going to be free from the torture of drug addiction. It has nothing to do with you. However, I will tell you that it is much much easier to grow into a self-sufficient and healthy individual when you do not have someone to run to and that will enable you (even though the enabler doesn't mean to do it). To that end....it's healthier to let her go and give her space for at least a year. If it's meant to be, she will come around again. She needs to get sober to have a life. Then once she has a life again, she will be free to choose to spend it with you or not. Let go and let recovery be her focus and you can let your recovery be yours.
I would try to not overly romanticize the situation either. It's not like she's perfect now that she's chosen sobriety. All that makes her is a shaky, unstable newcomer to AA/NA who has A LOT of work in front of her. She's not good relationship material right now. That is reality.
I'm sorry to hear this skmz, it sounds really rough man.
A person must decide to go to AA for themselves not for someone else. It wasn't breaking up with you that allowed her to make this decision. It's hard being in love with someone who is an addict. But by the same token, you deserve a partner that is not going to bring you on a roller-coaster ride for the rest of your life. Think of all those feelings you experienced when she was using. Are you willing to go through that forever? Being in a relationship is one thing, how about when you have kids? Can you face possibly raising kids with a non-available partner who is using? Do you want them to grow up around that?
I know it's tough and speaking for myself, if I was in your shoes, I'd be afraid of having to re-start from scratch. But trust that your higher power has a plan for you and you will see it will work out.
Aloha skmz and welcome to the board and back to the Family Groups...I'm in support of recovery and have been around a while. I come from inside of the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction...both sides of my family were affected for generations and I didn't know until I got to Al-Anon and started figuring out what the hell had gone wrong to me...Only one of the many things I found out was that I was addicted myself to that kind of personality and character and that explained how and why, from the start I attracted them. The last one I married I decided to marry while at the same time was planning on telling her that I was leaving our relationship. The relationship I was in before this wife was a severe alcoholic relationship and the one before that was steeped in the disease also and the one before that was an addict. I later learned that I did what I knew best because that is where I came from.
Get back in to the program and find out who skmz really is. For me not knowing who I am and why I do what I do is a guarantee of a relapse into insanity..."doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
Keep coming back cause this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
welcome on board, and to the Alanon family!