The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tomorrow, Monday my ex investment investment partner has a financial promise to keep.
It's not even a huge amount of money in relation to the whole of our past dealings and what I am owed, however I am really dealing with that he will lie one more time.
He has a three to five year history of breaking his word with me and I am faced with the possibility of realizing that he may be a fraud ultimately.
For the past two days I am not sleeping well and I have anxiety about it, facing the truth.
At some point it's not even the money, it's the idea of being betrayed by someone I trusted.
Maybe he will keep his word, but I am scared he will not.
One of my Al-Anon elders says, don't worry it's not Monday yet, yet I am in worry, fear, resentment and anger in advance.
Obviously I have a weak ability to trust now. I trusted this person and I have been abused over the money situation, broken promises over and over.
A part of me, doesn't want to see the truth, hoping he will ultimately come through, though I am skeptical now.
I want to turn it over, give him and it to the higher power and be okay, and I know I can do that with the program's help, but there are moments when it's painful and hard to do.
I want to get through Monday if it's a worst case and he does not keep his word and be okay, letting go and being in acceptance.
The worst part is the leadup or preface to the disappointment that makes it hard.
The expectation is what I am dealing with.
I am asking for any support for walking through this situation if he does not pay, which for me may translate to the fact that he will not keep his word on the bigger picture and the bigger promises, secured by the promissory notes over five to seven years.
It feels like, if he doesn't pay, it's a tough pill to swallow, yet I also believe I can walk through it no matter what.
Any of your thoughts on acceptance, letting go and letting God, detaching, etc are appreciated.
Thanks from,
Dennis
(denro)
-- Edited by denro on Sunday 14th of October 2012 07:16:20 AM
-- Edited by denro on Sunday 14th of October 2012 07:18:04 AM
Denro, do you have food in your stomach? Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have all you need for today? Do you trust your HP to not let you starve to death an die?
All of your problems are gold plated.
There are people in this country who are going hungry every night and you are torturing yourself over a financial deal that "might" go bad.
Not trying to belittle you, but this is how people reframed my "problems" when I was freaking out about everything in early sobriety. I learned to have gratitude for simple things and to stop hinging my happiness and perception of the world on things that are insignificant in the big scheme of things.
Your trust in others is secondary to your trust in yourself and in your higher power. Trust that you'll be okay no matter what and literally NOTHING is worth getting so anxious over.
Thanks pinkchip, I totally got and appreciate what you wrote.
These are the reinforcing things I need right now.
Yes, my needs are met and yes I am early in recovery in Al-Anon, so I can see I still have a tendency to want to hold on tight and be in control over something I have zero control over.
Also, I see that instead of making my partner wrong in advance, I could be praying for him.
The not knowing is hard and it takes a lot of practice and determination to stay in the moment.
I have always read that one way to deal with possible problems is to say, "Okay, what if my worst fears came true? Could I deal with it? How would I deal with it?"
Sometimes this is useful because I realize that it might be a challenge but I could deal with it. Sometimes it's stressful because I think the situation all through and brace myself for a tough experience, and then nothing bad happens after all and I've rehearsed the whole ordeal in my mind and given myself a big fright.
But it sounds as if you would be okay if this guy turns out to be the fraud you suspect. A friend of mine once defined happiness as "the way you feel if everything you have were to be taken away -- and then you got it all back again." I also think of Christopher Reeve, who was paralyzed and yet managed to direct and star in a movie. He said something like, "I hear people who can walk saying they can't do something, and I think, 'You're not paralyzed! You can do anything you want to!"
I know also that when we anticipate something painful happening to us, our lives tend to seem smaller and focused on that one thing. But really our lives are never one person or one situation or one event. We have a million parts to our lives -- our childhood memories (the good ones too), our favorite foods, the music we like, the time we heard a certain band or saw a certain show, our favorite place to get coffee, the places we hike or boat, our pets, how much we like our car, our favorite TV shows, a movie we love, a book that made a difference, the people we know from a dozen different situations... Our lives are really big. It helps when we can keep them from seeming small and focused on just one thing.
Wouldn't it be nice if everyone out there worked a 12 step program, Dennis. You sound ready for whatever happens. You've already had past experience with this person so it shouldn't come as a surprise if he does what he's always done. How we choose to respond is what's important. I try to go out and do something i enjoy or something that's a healthy distraction from worrying during times like this. Sometimes playing a sport that involves total concentration can change my focus for the time being. I'm not talking about stuffing feelings but lets face it we can worry ourselves sick so blowing off a little steam from a physical activity can be good for sleeping restfully later and bringing my thoughts to a more positive place of hope and empowerment. If I'm rested and clear in my thoughts, I'm more apt to respond rather than react. You'll decided what action you want to take next after meeting this person and hearing them out. When it's business, I've tried not to personalize it, to stick with facts.
I appreciate your honesty in admitting what's happened to you. I can relate to trusting people who proved to be untrustworthy but listen... we learn don't we? We make better choices as we go forward in recovery due to our mistakes from the past. I'm sure I will make new ones too as I go into unchartered territory but if I don't risk I don't grow. Lets just say, I read a lot more these days and talk to a lot more people these days before making big decisions and of course I connect with hp. However it turns out for you, I'm betting you will be ok as long as you keep your recovery program and higher power close. Imho, money is made everyday, Dennis, but serenity is priceless. Best of luck to you tomorrow. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I have a feeling I've said this before, but I wanted to add one thing. It's about how inspired I was when a friend made an expensive mistake. She was buying investment real estate and she had a lot of experience, but she looked at one thing about the building and she thought, "I bet that's fine, I won't need an inspector on that one." And she bought the building and it turned out there was a problem with that element after all, and it cost her more than $10,000 to fix. She's not so wealthy that $10,000 wasn't a big blow, but just said to me, "That's what we call 'tuition.'" Sometimes I think we pay small tuition for a small lesson, and then if we need to learn the lesson more thoroughly, we pay for the expensive course. You're probably better educated about this now than someone who's paid for a degree at Harvard. And that's the important thing.
I think betrayal is part & parcel of the disease. I use to set myself up trusting my ex AH & now my alcoholic son if I give him the benefit of the doubt. I have to use the Al anon tools in all my affairs, because one can be betrayed by lots of different people. I even got betrayed by who I thought was a best friend we had been friends for 20 years & she turned on me when she found out I was in Al Anon, she told me not to go to this crazy insane place as it's a cult & refuses to talk to me.Needless to say I was totally shocked & feel betrayed. Life is beautiful if we don't weaken
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Icie
"Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die..."
I find that fears like that often entice me to focus outwardly. Look what he did to me. Look what you caused.
I loaned money for the first time ever to a friend years ago. It was the last time ever. It nearly cost me a friend and I knew going into it, it was a bad idea but she was really in a pickle and I had the money. It took me 2 years of reminding her regularly to pay me back.
Because of my upbringing, immediately I said to myself "you knew going in how this could go, and it did, don't be so surprised". In fact she still owes me a last $20 payment from 2 years ago and I opted to let it go. I chalked it up as a $20 learning experience and have never mentioned it again and we are still friends.
When my exRBF relapsed awhile back, my initial reaction was anger because he was at my house when it happened and around me and my kids and my gut response was "you put my kids in jeopardy" but later I had to step back and realize... no, I let him in my life knowing his disease and the level of actual body addiction he has (not to mention the rest of it) and the truth was, I was upset with myself.
I don't know or need to know any details of this business transaction - I suppose if there is no legal recourse (documentation, etc) that this is unfortunately a very painful lesson. People are faulty, sometimes way more than we imagined possible, but I agree with other sentiments, you have a right to move past this and find your happiness again vs. the emotional pain you are experiencing. You are worth more than the emotional torture and I hope and pray you can move past this quickly.
And if it turns out positive, in my world I call it a bonus I hope this resolves one way or another to allow you peace and serenity.
I hope this resolves one way or another to allow you peace and serenity.