beating myself up! - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

beating myself up!

Inuyami · Member

HELP!!! These last couple nights have been so hard and I feel like I'm right back where I started when I first left my AH on labor day.Thursday I met up with my AH at the mall to do some clothes shopping. I had him meet me there so we could talk... but very little talking was actually done. He returned some on the items I'd left behind when I moved out of his father's house, where we were staying. I returned his wedding band to him as I promised i would, next i saw him and he sped off in his truck. (Something he's done quite often just for fun but I could tell he was hurt and upset.) When I got home from work I did my best to reach him but did not get even a peep from him until after midnight (after I had worked a 9 hour day, been up since 7 AM, and had to be up the next day at the same time). Friday morning I learned that he has been spending time with a female 'friend' and her two twin boys that previous night. My blood boiled and every jelous hurt feeling and though flooded my body! I spent the whole rest of the day with anxiety looping though my mind, choking back tears while trying to work, and fighting my every erge to hit something. Once home I broke down into a puddle of self pitty and emailed my AH. I went on to tell him about how I felt hearing that he'd been spending time with another woman. I told him how my leaving was never a question of weather I love him or not, but because I could no longer put up with his behaviour. I swore my love to him yet again and told him I was willing to fix myself to help fix our relationship. I cried my eyes out for a hour and a half before breaking down and messaging an old high school teacher for support. She calmed me down and helped me get my head on a bit more straight, only for him to turn up out of no where and start a chat with me. Still upset I let our conversation go in the way that all had been forgiven and that I was willing to work things out so that we could once again be in a relationship. All finally felt like it was back together, at least for the moment.

I was wrong!!! He began to tell me how he wished we could be laying in bed together and looking into each others eyes. This made me uncomfortable so I asked him, since we planned to start from the beginning (like we were dating) again, "can we please just take things slow?" To this, he was set into one of his rage fits. He signed off the messanger, texted me, then called me, then signed back on. He began to bash me saying that I was playing games with him and wanted to see him hurt. He blamed all my faults on my family again and insisted that they would never and have never cared for him as a person or my companion. He began to make me feel like he did when I was sitting in the same room with him, and we were seperated by 20 miles and connected only through a chat screan! I've never felt so oppressed by someone before! Dispite this, I made excuses for my family and did my best to calm him down. Once calm and on good terms again, I told him it was time i got to bed and went to sleep.

Waking up this morning I feel like I've made a huge mistake!!! I've re-read my email to him and realised that I meant every word but still I feel like running and screaming in terror from this monster I've been trying to contain for so long. I'm still so confused and feel like I've ruined any any progress I had made since the first day when I left. I want to remain strong and walk forward and way from what ever monster that man is, but at the same time, my heart remains true to him and I feel like i'm clinging tightly to the very little good times we did have.

I have no clue what to do anymore and feel like I'm in a dangerous spot to not open up and seek help from this group.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you have a sponsor? Or a regular meeting? These are hard things and it helps to have as much support as possible. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It's helpful to know that that panic when we hear they've "moved on" is often part of the process. In truth they haven't moved on; in truth they're trying to paper over their feelings by plunging into something with someone else way too prematurely. Of course if it makes us jealous they consider that an extra benefit!

But it feels safer for us if we're the ones controlling the rate of departure, and if they pull away, sometimes we panic. It helps to know that this is predictable. Having the feeling doesn't mean that the feeling says anything real about the goodness of the relationship. Remember that F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real. The things I feared included: I would never find anyone else as good. (As good as an unreliable alcholic to whom I was addicted! It actually would be hard to find someone as damaging!) Or: Leaving meant I was a failure. I would be alone and miserable forever. I would immediately regret leaving bitterly and there would be no going back. And all kinds of catastrophic scenarios. I think some of those scenarios were put there by my own addictive processes, my addiction to him and to chaos. My disease defends itself every way it can.

It helped me to write down all the things that made me come to the point of leaving. Every incident I could think of. When I got to where I was second-guessing myself, I'd read the list. Often I'd think, "Am I crazy? Why would I want to sign up for that madhouse again?"

It takes a lot of courage, determination and support to step off the roller coaster. Please take good care of yourself.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.