He's sober 3 years and we don't know how to deal with it. - Al-Anon Family Group

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

He's sober 3 years and we don't know how to deal with it.

Embry · Newbie

My husband whom I love to death was three years sober oct 11th. We had met a few years before we started dating though our families. Our families are full of alcoholics and none of them want to change that. I rarely drink like maybe once a year because I don't tolerate it well and don't feel the need to. We met before he stopped drinking and I hardly talked to him because I knew growing up with an alcoholic father that I couldnt tolerate being with someone that drank that much. Years later when we met again he was sober and slowly we started a relationship.

We started dating when he was about 9 months sober and have been together ever since. We just got married in August and things have rapidly declined.

We can't seem to get past his not drinking. It was a small issue before but it's grown recently. He knows that if he goes back to drinking he cant control it nor does he want to start drinking again. On that point we both agree. I dont want him to start drinking again because I know I wont be able to handle it. He has insecurity issues big time and is not really into sharing, with me that is. He will go to AA meetings on occasion and talk to them but he wont tell me anything about it. I feel like he is trying to protect me from his alcoholism by keeping anything to do with his past away from me but it just makes me anxious. I know VERY little about his past and his life before me. He has expressed that one of his big things to do before me was get drunk and sleep with anything that moved. But beyond that I dont know much. The serious relationships he had in his past were riddled with girls who were big drinkers and thats all they did together.

In the past few months he has grown angry i guess is the right word. He has problems being intimate with me and blames not drinking for him not feeling comfortable with it. Its not that he isnt able to perform its that he doesnt feel comfortable doing it without alcohol to relax him. This has been a common theme throughout our relationship he just doesn't know how to do things sober. I don't understand this because its been 3 years he should be semi ok with his sobriety at this point.

I understand its hard for him because I know I would have a hell of a time giving up something that was that big of a part of my life and where he had been drinking since he was 14 and didnt stop for 20 years I understand he is learning who he is sober but it seems like any little fight we get into I hear would you rather I be drinking? He knows I dont tolerate smoking and he says well its this or drinking. He eats massive amounts of sugar a day which isnt something I care about him doing but sometimes when he goes through 2 gallons of ice cream a week and then whines about gaining a little weight (he isnt heavy by any means) Ill suggest maybe you should cut back on sugar a bit and he freaks out and says well fine Ill just start drinking again.

I dont know what to do. I hate feeling like this. He makes me feel like anything I do makes him want to drink and I am terrified of him just having a bad day and going out to the bar after work. If we hang out with our famillies everyone is drinking and it upsets him to be around them and they don't support his decision to not drink. So we never go anywhere with our families which makes me sad because I miss them. We3 have lived in our house for over a year and some of them have never been to our house including me father. most of his family has been here once but we asked them not to drink when they come over so they just never come over because they can't function without drinking. Even at our wedding it was at 9a.m. and the bartender was showing up at 6p.m. for the reception that started at 7 and even though the place specifically prohibited alcohol from anything but a vendor they were all drunk before the bartender got there. We asked them to respect our wished and wait and they said they didn't care. This si upsetting to both of us but we can't really just disown them esspecially because my mom and his mom doesn't drink I want to be able to be around them but our fathers are the type to drink a bottle of vodka a day.

If we go out to dinner with people he says dont feel bad out having a drink so every now and a again ill have a glass of wine or something and its fine for like 3 weeks then he acts like he resents me for it so I have completely stopped drinking so as to not upset him.

I dont know what to do. hmm

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Em. Al Anon can help you.

What he is doing is part of being an addict. It's called "white Knuckling" and being "stock raving sober." He is not on a program of recovery where he learns skills to live with his disease. Drinking is only one symptom of being an addict.

Addicts crave their drug all the time. They wake up and it is their first thought.

Al Anon teaches us to stay out of their inventory.It is totally up to hm. His disease is his own business.

What we do is go to face to face meetings, read literature and more. We learn to love the A, but his A stuff is his own. That is called detaching.

If he wants to eat a gallon of ice cream a day that is his business. He is an adult. A's tend towards having low blood sugar.

We learn to say,yes you may be right. Your disease is your own, you make your own choices. I lean towards working on him or her being my lover, friend, etc. not a policeman or parent over his choices.

If he feels crummy, and tells us, well I hope you figure it out and feel better. Throw it all back to him. He puts you down and blames you becuz he feels so guilty.

With al anon we can learn skills to chang how we look at things, and how we choose to respond to the A.

Fact is he is relapsing now. He is on a path to use again going by what he says.We have no control over this.

Things we need to know are, they are very sick whether they are using or not. Addiction is not curable. We have no idea what brain or other organ damage the past using did.

I learned to look at A's with compassion. It is all their business.

We learn how to take care of us so we can cont. to live with them if we choose.

hugs, keep coming! Debilyn

Icie · Senior Member

He is only sober "what we call a dry drunk" , he does not have sobriety. He needs to start going to lots of AA meetings if he wants to get well but thats his choice. You did not cause it you cannot cure you cannot control it. I hope you choose to go to lots of face to face Al Anon meeing & start to take care of yourself, put the foucs back onto you. Al Anon can help you.
Sending loving support

ForeverAlanon · Member

I know your dilema well. In my situation, my AH was trying to pick a fight with me to have a "reason" to drink. They want a REASON that they can blame someone else for.

I walked on eggshells, second guessing everything I said to not fall into the trap for many years. Finally I stopped taking responsibility for being perfect and always saying the right things so as to not give into the argument baiting so he didn't have a reason. It was so exhausting.

I finally learned to "let go and let God". I am a very polite but not perfect person. Trying to be perfect was too much of a burden. If an A wants to use another person as a reason to drink, they will FIND a reason, no matter how thoughtful, considerate, loving, diplomatic, self sacrificing, etc. we are. We ARE NOT PERFECT and can't be. Someone looking for a reason is going to find it, one way or another.

I stopped taking responsibility for keeping him happy and calm so he dind't have a reason to drink. I just was "myself" and treated him with the same kindness, courtesy, and compassion I treated everyone else with and didn't give into the "now I drank since dealing with you is such a hell since you have such a bad attitude problem, blah blah blah. I would just say "I suggest you NOT drink, but that's only my unsolicited advice, you can choose not to take it since you are an adult" and leave it at that, LOL. That way, he could never say I didn't care or I drove him to drink. WHen he tried to say that later I would just remind him of my unsolicited advice, LOL. I would say "I distinctly remember suggesting you NOT drink, so why you are saying you drank because of me is mind boggling".

I didn't get there overnight...it was a process of learning to put alanon into practice to stop playing the role the AH tried to put me in. I also used to tell him "the shoe DOES NOT FIT, so I am NOT wearing it" I kept reminding him that I was an influence in his life NOT to drink and he might want to cast me in the role of being the reason he drank, but I wasn't going to be type cast.

Again...getting there was a process...so...keep coming back, it works if you work it!

nyc018 · Senior Member

I knew very little about how all-encomapssing alcoholism was before I saw it in my husband. I used to think that once you cut out the alcohol the rest will fall into place. Little did I know that physical sobriety is only one element, and while necessary of course, is not enough to make the whole person sober. It really takes an entire emotional and mental shift of attitude to keep someone healthy as well. On one hand if he has 3 years he obviously knows he shouldn't be doing it, but if he is blaming you for his feelings about not drinking, then he is still in addict mode.
I can't say it is easy to detach from your spouse's issues but there comes a point where, as is often said on this board "he either will or he won't, what will you do?" It almost seems that the more I got involved with whether he would or wouldn't, the more resentful and angry he became. Going to meetings, reading the Alanon literature, and practicing putting your own peace of mind first will help. What Alanon helped me with is giving up the illusion of control - and realizing that doing so isn't defeat, it's the opposite - it liberated me from having to deal with a sickness in a grown adult I had no control over. Wishing you support.

Embry · Newbie

Thank you all. You have no idea how much this has helped. I wish I could go to a face to face meeting but where we live is a very small town and there aren't any in this area. I'm going to keep at this though and look for things that can help me. You're right it is his problem not mine and I shouldn't be trying to fix it. Idon't know how I never realized that he needs to be going to the meetings and seeking his own help while I find my own way of staying sane.

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