Needless to say, I'm a little bit freaked out for even starting to reach out and look for help in my situation.  Really, I don't want to believe I'm in a situation to begin with, so this is really hard.  I just run out of options and pretending that it doesn't exist isn't helping. So, here I am.

My husband is an alcoholic.  I never wanted to believe it.  I thought he just couldn't control his drinking.  He's the type that can go a long time without drinking and live a "normal" life and then out of the blue go on a binge all day/night drinking and he ends up wandering from place to place until eventually he passes out.  He doesn't think this is a problem, just a night of fun to him.  But drinking has caused him to get into a lot of trouble with the law and his family.. and me.. He's gone to treatement and suceeded.. Spent more than a year sober and then yesterday, binge night.  He uses whatever excuse to justify his drinking - his past, past failed relationships, deaths of family members or just simply "because (he) can".

Me, I am an enabler.  I am the passive-aggressive type that hates conflict.  The only time I really fight with my husband is when he is drinking.  I don't know how to talk to him when he's sober.  I'm afraid of what he will say.  I'm too angry and hurt to talk to him when he's sober.  He always tells me that he wants to communicate with me but when I ask him questions or say whats on my mind he automatically shuts me down.  So I learned not to say anything.  What hurts is, he is a very attentive person to other people... family, friends and our kids.. But I feel he rejects me.  I started going through his phone just out of curiosity and saw he txts female friends and to them he is so concerned and encouraging and open.  That hurt me most of all.  I feel like I have to beg him for any affection whatsoever.  He swears he's not cheating but he has several women he is talking to that have emotional attachments.  He and I don't sleep together often.  I'm only 35 and feel like I'm living the life of a nun.  And then he goes off and drinks and parties with his friends and leaves me at home to wonder where he is, is he ok, who he's with..  I'm resentful because while I have to pay bills, take care of kids, take care of the home.. he gets to do whatever he wants because, "he can". 

Now the clincher.. When sober, he is so great!  He and I have a wonderful relationship.  We need work of course.  A lot of work... But things are ok when he's not drinking.. Deep down, I know he is reaching out for help too but he is too proud to come out and ask.  He does have support and keeps in touch with his treatment counselors.  The biggest issue that I can see is, he doesn't want ppl to look down on him.  He wants to be respected and liked so he hides anything negative about his personality.  I do believe that he would be willing to go back to treatment if given the chance.  What I'm not sure about, his willingness to talk about what his drinking has done to our marriage and to me.

Anyways, I needed to get this off my chest.  Most ppl just tell me to leave him.  Even HE tells me to leave him sometimes.  That is not an option for me.. I want healing. 

Maybe....I hope so!

I have been working on me for a few weeks (not brilliantly)  BUT it has made a difference to the way I feel and some of his behaviour in terms of the way he talks to me.

I can tell him to stop his taunting/arguing (he calls it being precise) and be respectful which he does stop and say 'sorry' to.  Its a start!

fingers crossed xx

Aloha Iztli...what I learned in the program and am still learning and practicing (which makes better) is the attitude and idea of leaving once and a while or as I was taught in Al-Anon detaching which comes is many many forms...you get to explore and then practice them.  I can leave mentally or emotionally or physically on many levels.  Sometimes leaving for a while is practicing acceptance of the situation and then just letting it go.  Today I was working the slogan "Live...and let Live"...that is a detachment slogan.  I get to choose to live my life on purpose with intent and focus...no one gets to invade it  and at the same time I get to keep my way out of other peoples lives whether that in reality or just in my head.  I've got a 60 floor 720 room appartment in my head with renters running around just all over making noise and challenging me to manage and control them all.  Leave for a while is good variation and if you are getting the suggestion from your alcoholic and others...it becomes a no brainer to take their suggestion...leave come back...leve come back.  Welcome to the board...good to have you here.

((((hugs))))

I too, am a newbie.  Boy, can I understand your situation!  My AH works a full time job and gets home between 4-430 in the afternoon. I work from 300 to 11 at night.  So he is home drinking that entire time alone.  With us, this has been going on for about 5 years now.  He will go through a brief period of sobriety, then it's back to the bottle again.  But this time, there has been no sobriety.  I have voiced my concerns, and heard the "I will stop, I will lay off" speech, but it didn't stop.  It has actually gotten worse.  He goes through 3 gallons or more of bourbon per week, just by drinking in the evenings/on weekends.  Thing is, I think he knows he has a problem, because has started to sneak behind my back to drink and tries to hide it in unusual places, put in in different containers, etc.  He just won't admit it.  I am one to avoid conflict too, but I have confronted him and told him that I cannot sleep in the same bed anymore, because the smell when he sweats at night is nauseating, with booze oozing from every pore. Did not seem to phase him at all. 

Just like your AH, mine is so sweet and thoughtful, even when drinking.  He has never hurt me physically, and he is not verbally abusive either.  He cooks, cleans, does housework...Really, his only flaw is the drinking, or he would be the perfect husband!  That is why this is so hard to deal with.  Any suggestions?