"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

dating a newly sober person

sweets · Member

My boyfriend has been sober for about 5 months now. How do I react and not be so needy or pushy? I am new to this, I was referred to Alonon. I want to know as much as I can so I do not push him away. He is a great man and I love him with all my heart. Can someone please give me some advice? I would appreciate any little thing.

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sw.

Its an illness. It can relapse. Alcoholics in recovery can be the salt of the earth.

I can recommend Alanon- its not the end of the earth- quite the opposite.

aww take care aww

DavidG. smile

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

In AA we recommend that a newbie not get into a relationship for up to the first 2 years of sobriety. One reason is distraction from the program...5 months isn't a whole lot of time. Another is that the disease preys off of the family, friends, spouses and associates of the alcoholic. Another is that the strongest relationship a newly recovering alcoholic should focus on is with their HP, program, sponsor and home group. Stick around and listen to the voices and ESH of those here who have been touched by this often fatal and incurable disease. ((((hugs)))) smile

sweets · Member

It is not a new relationship. We have dated in the past but, his alcoholism seperated us. He got sober and is doing very well. I have actually quit drinking for him and for me as well. I appreciate the response you guys are giving me. I know it is a sickness and he can go back to drinking. I want to do everything I can to help him not do that. How can I talk to him about it without it turning into an arguement or him reacting bad to it?

sweets · Member

Are there any meetings in Washington, Vancouver area?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes many and you can go to Al-Anon WSO and get a meeting list or to the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline number. Keep and open mind always. Since he is his own person and has arrived to where he is at by his own choices having a habit of doing that you already know you are powerless. Stopping drinking for your own health is the greatest of personal decisions and do all that for you. (((hugs))) smile

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

TThere is a number under my sign in here you could call to find local meetings. They are a great place to find your answers. Glad you found us here at MIP!

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

http://www.wa-al-anon.org/Meeting-V.html

The link above shows all the Vancouver, WA meetings, and there are lots of them...

I would recommend that you educate yourself about all this - partially through Al-Anon, and boards like ours - and also through some of the great literature that is out there - "Getting Them Sober", volume 1, by Toby Rice Drews - is an excellent book

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

He didn't get sober...he is getting sober. 5 months is very very early on. I would keep things casual for now and not make huge plans. You can go to alanon for yourself, but generally, that will give you tools for detaching from him and not having his drinking or not drinking be such a huge focus for you. It sounds like you want to share in his recovery and help him. that is not something he needs from you. He can get that from AA and his sponsor. Just enjoy the time you have together and let him do what he needs to for his own recovery.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the most you can do, is learn to focus on yourself, not him and go to Al Anon and become familiar with enabling (learning not to), boundaries (how to set them) and allowing the recovering alcoholic to be fully in control of his/her recovery.

I still spend time with my recovering ex-boyfriend. Right now its more of us exploring our ability to spend any time together, and remain focused on our recovery. It's a trial of sorts. We both acknowledge this is a learning experience and as older adults (well, in our mid 40's), we aren't in a hurry to make anything permanent so it's more relaxed.

How do I help him stay sober? I don't. He knows what I expect on my end, if he wants to spend time with me, he goes to the meetings he's picked out (he has 3 regular meetings, usually attends 1 or 2 more), he works daily with his sponsor and he's following through with whatever goals he set for himself. Either he does those, or he doesn't and I don't have control over that. So far he is. I come here, I read "getting them sober" and a host of many other books and Al Anon literature I've purchased over and over, I pray, I talk to my sponsor, etc. I focus on me. I live my life for me and he knows what I expect if he wants to be in my life.

It's hard to let go of wanting to help. But most of the time, those of us in Al Anon don't know how to help without enabling so it's best if we learn to detach. Welcome, you will learn a lot here and if you can get to a face to face meeting that's even better. I'm almost there - looking to find a lunchtime meeting near enough for me to get to and not miss work. I really want to find a face to face meeting, having young kid with special needs makes it hard to go evenings.

Maiasaura · Member

sweets wrote:
It is not a new relationship. We have dated in the past but, his alcoholism seperated us. He got sober and is doing very well. I have actually quit drinking for him and for me as well. I appreciate the response you guys are giving me. I know it is a sickness and he can go back to drinking. I want to do everything I can to help him not do that. How can I talk to him about it without it turning into an arguement or him reacting bad to it?

Well, you can be straight up front with him and just say what you said here: "I want to talk to you about it without it turning into an arguement or you reacting bad to it". Couldn't hurt, eh? ;)

When I was newly sober (and believe me, 5 months, while quite a feat, is VERY newly sober), I was so glad someone had told me I would go through an "emotional roller coaster" for a good long while. For me, it was 9 months. Up, down, up, down, angry, sad, elated, depressed, livid. Every other second, sometimes! So be aware that your man could go through this as well. It's not his fault and he's not necessarily being angry at YOU-- it's just his brain re-wiring. Yes, he could very well still be detoxing, even after all this time.
You can not believe how powerful alcoholism is.

His disease will try to get him back in its clutches at any cost-- think of a person dieting. Their body wants to be fat at any cost and will fight tooth and nail to not get or stay smaller. We say in AA-- "This is a disease that wants us dead-- but will settle for us drunk or stoned". It's a deadly, serious disease.

I know sort of what you are going through-- I'm 18 years sober, and my true love is 47 days. Hang in there :)

sweets · Member

Should I tell him that I am doing this or should I just keep this to mysel? I feel like it would be a good idea to let him know.

sweets · Member

he just told me tonight that he felt the urge to drink. He said it had passed. He has been very moody off and on. It has actually caused us to have little tiffs. I am so glad I was guided to this site by his cousin. I am learning alot in the past couple days about his sickness. I am very appreciative for the support and advice everyone is giving me.

sweets · Member

I really enjoy the time we have together. He just told me that he felt the urge to drink tonight but, it passed. Would it be a bad thing to tell him to call his sponsor or find a meeting?

Maiasaura · Member

I don't think so, but others here might disagree. You could turn it on him: "What do you think you could do about that?" And yeah, I might tell him about my own program. But that's cause I'm honest that way :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"