The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been looking lately how impossible it was for me to say no thanks to relationships that were difficult,mired in problems and complicated. I think I had some compulsion to both suffer and to rescue people from their situation. I felt so responsible for everyone and like it wasn't in my capacity to say that this wasn't good for me. These days I do change my boundaries in many many relationships. I set limits (albeit clumsily but there are limits). When I was around the ex A there were no limits to my behavior and to his behavior. We fought day and night and sometimes weeks at a time. In fact that was pretty much the fall back place for us. When I stopped fighting with him the ex A felt like he had won and now could do whatever he wanted. That lasted for a short time before he came around begging for help and most of all understanding. Of course I was hooked back in again. These days people can certainly hook me in on their behavior, demands and craziness. The difference is I don't stay there interminably. I am coming to accept the ability to say no thanks was not in my capacity to relate. I related to intensity, drama and tension. These days I tend to shrink from that. I also am pretty firm on my boundaries. There are certain boundaries no one gets to cross. Needless to say the ex A crossed every single boundary and it was only at the end of the relationship I instituted consequences for that. Of course as he had always got his way the consequences did not go down too well. I do think detaching is one of the hardest tools to apply, detaching when I want to run in there and fix things means I don't know best. I do not know what is right for this person and of course in my grandiosity I absolutely do!
I think in my grandiosity I also want to think I am a good influence on others. Clearly when I over react and have issues with something that blow up I am not doing that great a job. Of course no one is perfect and I can certainly have my boundaries tripped up. The new thing is that I don't surrender and give away all of them. I set them up again and watch them carefully. I know when I first got to al anon decades ago when people were taking about tools I really didn't relate. I didn't know at that time that I thought I could change everything!
How sad it is that a mixture of grandiosity and low self esteem and boundarylessness caused me so much pain and heartache. As a child I had to believe I had some control because being powerless was not something I could embrace. I do struggle with powerlessness all the time but I also know that these days I certainly have plan be's, goals and companionship which I didn't have before.
I think anyone who has dealt with abuse and abandonment as a child always believes they are in control in some way as they grow up. Eating disorders, and many other disorders all go back to the need to feel in control. Everything in my life always felt upside down and so darn it .. I was going to be in control completely and totally.
Obviously that created some very warped thinking and it also has caused me to pick men specifically that I felt I could control. It always worked for a while and then after that it wasn't any fun for anyone in the relationship. I see more and more clearly why I picked my STBAX. It's kind of not pretty. I so know I would not know how to act in a healthy relationship.
When I think of powerlessness now especially within the first step I see it as giving up the idea that I ever had control in the first place. That one act puts me ironically in a place of power. I may be powerless over people, places, things and the past. I am completely powerful over how I choose to act in any given situation, positive or negative. I can allow myself to feel positive feelings while not feeling overwhelmed by the negative chatter that goes on in the bad neighborhood of my mind. That alone allows me to feel less fearful when it comes to doing those things that encompass an emotional risk. Again, I feel powerful in a positive way not in the negative let me control all and all be robots in my presence .. LOL. That is such a fun time to be had for all let me tell you.
I so get what you are saying though .. all of the needless suffering I have chosen to do to myself. Again with the flip side .. without those lessons as painful as some of them have been I wouldn't be 1/2 of the human being I am today. As each day in my own program passes I am more able to say thank you even for the things that caused me pain.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
